Wednesday, December 24, 2008

I hate strangers

So, I was driving to The School House (the house that I rent) yesterday to shovel the Got Dammed snow, Why is that my tenants expect me to shovel their snow? It’s not my fault they live in Chicago, did I invent snow? Is it my fault that the earth goes round and round and that our city happens to be kind of far from the sun during this time of year?
Anyway, on my way there I saw a lady suck in the snow, I got out of my car and shoveled and pushed her out. A few miles later there was a guy pushing his car to the side of the road because it wasn’t running. I got out of my car and helped him. I’m always helping strangers. I give bums money all the time. A dollar here a dollar there, I had one guy tell me it wasn’t enough and I gave him more!!!!!!!
I’m a pretty nice guy when it comes to helping strangers in need, a good Samaritan.
Why is it that strangers don’t ever seem to give a shit about me when I need help!
After I got to The School House, I shoveled all the snow (I had to pee, since I have no access to the house because it’s all rented out I peed in the alley. That was fun, I hadn’t done that in years) and was ready to go home. Turns out that now my car was stuck!
I shoveled around it, pushed, kicked the tires, nothing was working. Did anyone stop to help ME! NO! strangers don’t give a SHIT about helping others. Unless I’m the stranger helping the other stranger. I hate people all of them, I will never help anyone else ever again. I was stuck for almost an hour, soaking wet! I’m just getting over a man cold, I fear that I might be sick again!
Fuck you strangers! You can all do things without my help!
Push your own cars out of the snow!
Find someone else to give you money for gas or bus fair!

Merry Christmas!
Thank you Stephanie and her Brother for helping me get out….. they are not strangers.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Snow Sucks !!!!!

So, just like everyone else I hate snow !

I hate everything about it, how it looks, how it smells how it tastes, I hate driving in it, I hate seeing it come down, I hate it with green eggs and ham, I hate shoveling it EVERYTHING !!!!!

This is a picture of my castle, we put up a lot more lights this year then we normally would. See, in my suburb they always give a prize to the prettiest house. Last years winner was a shitty little house with barley any lights so last year The Wife and I bought a bunch of stuff after new years at a huge discount. If we don’t win I’m going to get really pissed off, the prize better be good because I was up there freezing my ass off a couple of weeks ago. I wish I had put lights on the peak of the house, I did the peak of the garage but I was too much of a chicken to do the peak at the front of the house…..I mean my ladder wasn’t high enough, I need a bigger ladder so that I can get up there.

The second picture is of the Ginger Bread house my boss gave me for Christmas, wasn't that nice of him ?

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Senator Dan

So, I was saving up all my money, I was going to sell my house and cars in order to make a bid for Barack Obamas open senate seat. Too bad the governor of Illinois got arrested today by the FBI for putting it on sale. Oh well, guess I’ll have to keep my day job.

As you might remember for my Maxine’s Cherry post I’m not a big fan of Patrick, but some ass hole at The Wife’s job hit him pretty hard. This guy didn’t even bother to come back inside to tell her about it, everyone knew it was him. I'd rather someone spit in my face then mess with my car!!

Like Bee I got my Green tree yesterday, how green can a tree really be if they cut it down? Seems to me like an oxymoron. The tag said something about being a super Green Tree…….yeah Ass holes till you cut it down!
Is that not the biggest issue among the tree hugging community, the cutting of trees?
I’ve always gone for the real stuff, I hate fake trees they look like fake trees.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

need more hair for my buck.

So, I had to order some more Finepecia (generic Canadian version of Propecia) from Canada and I couldn’t believe how much these ass monkeys are charging me for it now.

I used to get a 3 month supply for 30 bucks and now they want 65 bucks. That’s more than twice the old price. I’d be more then happy to pay the price if I had noticed a difference since I started using it, but I really haven’t.

It’s been more then six months now and I look exactly the same, I have before and after pictures, the before looks like the after and the after like the before so it all the same.

I’ve thought about not using it anymore, I guess if I look the same maybe it is working after all, maybe I would be totally bald by now. I guess it’s still a good price compared to Propecia which costs 65 dlls for a 1 month supply.

I just wish I had an Afro by now.

I saw on Fox the other day that 24 is coming back to T.V. I’ve been a fan of the show since it came out but theirs a different President now?????

Come on, Jack has gone thru like five Presidents since the show started.

Their was the first guy, then the Black president (the guy from the Allstate commercials) who was a senator in the first season, then the other guy that had the crazy wife, then the Allstate commercials Presidents brother Wayne and now a woman President. That’s five in like 5 years, they should at least make Jack look a little older.

I can’t even think of 5 different Presidents.

Bush, Clinton, Bush, and Reagan. Off the top of my head I could not tell you who was President before Reagan. In a few days I’ll have five but Obama isn’t in charge yet.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Can't hardly wait

So, my bosses vacation is finally over tomorrow !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’ve been so overwhelmed for the last two week, I haven’t been there long enough to be able to handle doing his job and mine. I’ve been working 11 ½ hours a day for the last two weeks so that I can keep up.

I can’t wait to see him (I mean this in a non homo sexual way) (not that there’s anything wrong with that) I almost want to hug him as soon as I see him (in a non gay way) and look him in those baby blue eyes and tell him how much I’ve missed him (in a non man to man love way) tell him how lonely I’ve been making all those decisions without having him by my side, watching my back (in a non ass wanting way) (not that there’s anything wrong with that) I’ll be able to sleep in an extra hour and be home for dinner early again!

Life is good.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

turkey lover

So, the Wife asked me to help out with the turkey because it was kind of heavy 19 lbs.

I made a horrible discovery, it’s obvious to me that when my poor turkey was alive someone made sweet sweet love to it and I have the turkey fuckers penis to prove it.

What a perv !!!!!!! Why would anyone fuck a turkey then leave their penis in there?

- - - - - -

I filled up Maxine’s tank with 35 bucks yesterday, gas is all the way down to $2.04 at my neighborhood gas station, why did I feel guilty about it?

I feel like I was ripping them off, gas was $4.99 a couple of months ago.

What’s the deal here, why is it so cheap now?

I think the government controls gas prices, got a war to pay for? They raise gas to $4.99.

Economy sucks! they lower gas to $2.04.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

So I heard the pregnant “man” is pregnant AGAIN!

I don’t know exactly why I despise this person but I do. You are not a man! You’re a woman with a beard who cut off her ta-tas (also known as boobs, jugs, tits, honkers, hooters, babaloos, bazookas, blinkers, bosom, cha-chas, chesticles, chumbawumbas, . funbags, gazongas, God’s milk bottles, headlights, knockers, milkmakers, milkshakes puppies, rack, ying-yangs and breasts) you don’t even look like a man. Take away the beard and you look just like your average ugly lesbian.

Poor kids, I feel so bad for them.


The Wife brought home the movie “Kung Fu Panda” last night. I usually hate all those stupid cartoon movies but this one was hilarious, if you haven’t seen it you should run out and get it.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

I'm back again, this time for good, until my computer breaks down that is !

So, it seems like my computer is working again so it seems like I should write a new post about something.

I went to a casino over the weekend, I didn’t win any money. Casinos don’t do much for me, I know the odds of winning are small so to me it’s like throwing away money.

The nearest Casino is actually in the state of Indiana, Chicago banned smoking in public places a few years ago. At first I didn’t really care and thought to myself “who cares if people smoke” but I have now learned to appreciate the no smoking law.

The Casino smelled like dog ass, people were smoking fags all over the place.

Little white fags and big dark brown cigars (what do they call cigars in England?)

I’ll never go to that Casino again, it was so ghetto.

The Wife and I each had 60 dlls to gamble with. I was playing electronic poker, 5 cents a hand. After playing for 5 minutes The Wife comes over to see how I was doing, she had gone burned her 60 bucks and was now trying to take over my machine.

“New blood, new blood” she said as she’s pushing me off my seat.

She ended up losing 40 of my dollars.

A couple of years ago we went to Vegas, after we lost our first 100 bucks we stopped gambling.

I need to learn how to play the card games, slots are way to boring. I want to play a game where I can win by using my brain. I saw the movie 21 the other day, it looked pretty easy. If any of you want to join my gambling team let me know, I’m taking applications now. There will be a one time non refundable 1,000 dollar initiation fee.

Sunday, November 9, 2008


this is a test.....

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Voter Dan

So, I got up extra early and voted for Barack. Hope he does a good job, hope he doesn’t get shot by some crazy skinhead.
I wasn’t sure if I was going to vote at all but The Wife dragged me to the polls this morning. I was stupid enough to vote for Bush (twice) so I feel kind of responsible for all the wrong that he has done.
I wanted to sit this one out to be able to say “well, you voted for him” but in the end I’m glad I voted. Chris Rock was the biggest influence in my final decision.
I just could vote for McCain, he’s just way too old and “mavricky” for me.

Does anyone know what happened to that girl from Small Wonder, I was watching “Terminator, The Sarah Conner Chronicles” yesterday, the terminator chick, who by the way is super hot reminded me of her.
That song was cool “She’s a small wonder”

I hope Obama wins, this is his home town. I’m worried about riots is he doesn’t.
Good thing I got riot insurance.

**posted by Bee because Dan's computer sucks cow ass.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Happy B-day to me!!!!!

Happy B-day to me, Happy B-day to me, Happy B-day toooooo meeeee
Happy B-day to meeeeeeeeeeeeeee !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

32 !!!!!

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

And the winner is.........

So, I finally made up my mind. I’m voting for Sarah Palin ! uuhhh
I mean I’m voting for John McCain, don’t really follow the whole politics thing so I decided to vote for the party with the hotter chicks.

Cindy McCain is a total GILF !

Sarah Palin is a total MILF ( soon to be GILF )


Barack’s wife is way too wholesome for me.

Friday, October 17, 2008

Meat and the new Prez.

What’s the cutoff for eating leftovers?

I pulled some meat out of the fridge that was like 5 days old, The Wife who was on the way out was quick to tell me to get rid of it.
I was pretty hungry but since I wasn’t in the mood to argue I tossed it in the garbage, I waited for her to leave and took it back out, put it on a plate and nuked it.

As I was pulling my meat out of the microwave she came back in because she forgot her cell phone. I was totally busted and she was all grossed out, the meat was in a zip lock bag it’s not like it was exposed in the garbage.
By the way the meat was pretty dammed good still.


So, I’m starting to think that I should make up my mind on who I’m voting for or if I’ll even bother to vote at all.

Obama will win hands down in Illinois so he sure doesn’t need my help.
There is no point voting for Mcain since he doesn’t stand a chance in my state, so why waste my time voting for either of them?

It’s not like the president is elected by the popular vote, if that was the case Jean Knee’s daddy (Al Gore) would have been the president.
Maybe we should throw away the whole “electoral vote” system and make the popular vote what counts.

The problem with that is no one’s going to give a shit about small rural states like West Virginia.(Je je je)

I see why the current system works but it makes me not want to vote.
What the fuck is up with all the early exit poll results!
It’s like 3 pm and they’ve already announced the winner, by the time people get out of work they already “know” who won so why bother voting?

I don’t think it really makes that much of a difference who wins anymore.
I’ll definitely make up my mind on who I’m voting for by Monday. I’ll let you all know.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Two are better then one

So, I was visiting the Mothership the other day and crashed on the way home.
I’m so sorry Maxine, I’m sorry I got distracted; it kind of wasn’t my fault. The car in front of me came to a full stop while I was checking my mirror.
There’s some construction going on in the highway, they have the regular lanes closed and the ramp to get on is really short.
I slammed on the brakes but didn’t come to a full stop so I hit the guy in front of me.
No real damage to Maxine just a scratch, the other car’s bumper was falling off.
The Wife claims that because I drive with two feet I wasn’t able to react quickly enough.
Personally I think it’s better to drive with two feet, you have two pedals, you have two feet. One for the gas and one for the brake, some people think that in a split second you’re likely to react with the wrong foot. Hit the gas instead of the brake or the brake instead of the gas.
I totally disagree with that because the left part of your brain controls the right side of your body and the right side of your brain controls the left side of your body. So if you have to brake there is no way you would hit the gas or vice versa. I brake with my left foot so the right side of my brain is telling my left foot to brake.
If I drove with only one foot the left side of my brain would be telling my right foot to brake, but now my brain also has to make the distinction between the gas and the brake. The probability of hitting the wrong pedal is way higher like this, plus it takes longer to react due to the fact that you know have to hit the right pedal.
So all you one footed drivers out there need to start using your left foot too, if you get into an accident because you followed my advise I do apologize, although it’s not really my fault, it’s your dumb brains fault.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Back again

Forgive me bloggers for I have sinned, it’s been 18 days since my last post but who’s counting?
My computer has been busted, I was too cheep to pay someone to get it fixed so I gave it to my brother who gave it to some guy at his work who left it abandoned on his office floor for a week, That guy then gave it to another guy who “fixed it” but didn’t really fix it. That guy then gave my “fixed” computer to my brother who gave it back to The Wife.
The Wife plugged it in only to find out the “fixed” computer was exactly the same as before.
The Wife then gave the not fixed computer to me, I then gave it to some guy who I had to pay 50 bucks to really fix it.
I challenge all for you out there to go two weeks without a computer, it’s really hard.
No e-mail, no getting directions, no blogging, no internet porn, no reading up on recent events, it really sucks ass!

After a few days I started to write down possible blooging topics on a little pocket notebook.

“guy at work is an ass hole”
I remember writing this down but I don’t remember what ass hole from work I was referring to and why he was an ass hole that day.

That was my one and only entrée.

The Wife and I (and my Mommy) when to a restaurant yesterday to celebrate brother Serge’s B-day. The food was good but they gave The Wife horrible service.
There was a huge variety on the menu, goat cheese, octopus, morsilla ( these are pig intestines filled with pig blood and vegetables) shrimp and much more.
The Wife ordered a chicken salad with fries. Could you believe that everyone was pretty much done eating and she was still waiting for her food.
Somehow it’s easier for these fuckers to make octopus and pig blood then chicken salad.
To make thing even worse, when they finally brought the chicken salad I told the waitress we were still missing an order of fries. She said “ we already brought the fires but the people at the other end of the table ate them, would you like another order?”
Did the people at the other end of the table ORDER THE FRIES ?!?!?!?!?!
You stupid fucken bitch !!!!!!!
I think that Arnold guy ate them, boy he really is a Dick although he denied it when we met for the first time. He said “Hi, I’m Arnold and I’m really not a Dick”

We later went to a blues bar, I wasn’t sure if I liked the blues until yesterday when I realized how much the blues really sucks. They had a guy singing that looked like an older Morgan Freeman, he looked like Morgan Freeman’s grandfather.
This guy could barley stand up much less sing I couldn’t understand a word he was saying other then “woman” blahsur whuehne WOMAN ! burrlove Woman.

On the way home I stopped by a Wendy’s and got The Wife a large order of fries.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Sponge Porn

So, somehow I was watching Sponge Bob Square pants today for the first time ever. I have no kids so I’ve never had to endure the torture. Although if I did have them I would never let them watch such garbage as Sponge Bob, my kids would be watching the good cartoons like South Park and Beavis and Butthead, now that’s some funny shit.

What caught my attention more then anything else was a character named Squidwad.
Squidwad looks like my inverted left testicle (my right one is far more attractive) they even draw him with wrinkles and give him the “sesame seed” look at the top of his head.
His nose and eyes look like…….well, judge for yourself, what do they remind you of?

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Not Fair

So, can you fucken believe what I had waiting for me in the mail yesterday?
Yeah, after spending most of last week in court I now have to go and serve jury duty.
Isn’t that against the law? I think it’s called Double Jeopardy.
I hope they don’t select me because I’m putting someone’s ass in jail.
I don’t care how innocent they might me.
I don’t even want to hear the facts of the case, GUILTY !

Went to dinner with The Wife yesterday the receipt looked like this.

1 taco dinner 7.99
Carne Asada 11.99
1 Margarita 5.00
2 Coronas 10.00

Total 34.98

15 % Tip 5.24
20 % Tip 6.99

Total Amount _________

I’d like to thank the people at “Panchos Pistolas” for telling me how much I should tip, how nice of them to work out the math for me. I felt like Mr. Pink.

After that we went to a Sox game and left in the 5th inning, I got to get my sleep man.

Wow, I’m watching the news. They’re showing all those Texans running from the hurricane, I think I just saw Ronda humming away…in her H2.
I hope Jean’s cock is safe.

Saturday, September 6, 2008

System failure

So… I’m done with the whole murder trial thing. It was a real pain in the ass, the first two days went something like this.
Check in.
Sit in a room for 2 hours, with a bunch of cops and lawyers.
Move to another room, sit for two hours with a bunch of cops and lawyers.
Move to a room near the court room, sit for two hours with a bunch of cops and lawyers.
Stand in front of a judge who tells you that by law you have to come in again the next day then go home.

I had an inside view of how the legal system works or should I say doesn’t work.
You have a room full of cops and detectives complaining, saying stuff like.
“I hope this goes to trial today, it’s the fourth time I come in for this shit”
Minutes after that someone would come in and tell them their case has been pushed back another month.

How do we let these criminals and grease ball lawyers get away with this!
They find any excuse to postpone a trial, I heard stuff like:

“The defendant is sick and can not be prosecuted today”
“The defendant would like to start a motion to suppress evidence”
“The defendant would like to bring in a new witness”
Most of these guys posted bail and are walking the streets.

It’s only when they’re in jail that it goes to trial right away.

I could feel the frustration of the law enforcement people in the room.
Waste of time and tax money.

We need to revamp the system, have deadlines and not allow so many postponements. The case I was involved in was 4 years old.

After I was done with my testimony the family of the victim were all hugging and thanking me.

Saturday, August 30, 2008

I'm Back !!!!!!

So, I’ve let The People down. The People who with anticipation and excitement click on “The People’s Blogger’s Blog” to read about my adventures.
I’m sure I’ve mentioned before that I still don’t have my own computer or office space at my new job and of course like most of you I did most of my blogging at my companies expense.
I’m happy to report that office space and a PC are in my near future so all The People will be able to read about my adventures more often.

This kind of sucks because I’ve had plenty of hilarious to me stuff to post about.
None of which I have any memory of anymore, but I clearly remember thinking about a subject and laughing hysterically about it.
My last post was about my inability to find suitable tenants for my apartment building, well I’m happy to report that the two empty units have been rented out, the new tenants are moving in on Sunday. My last post also included an awful joke about the war in Iraq and a stupid fish, I’m sad to report that the war in Iraq is still going on.

I probably shouldn’t admit this but I like the way things turned out.
Got new tenants, war is still going on.
If it had been the other way around I’d probably be kind of pissed off right about now.
No tenants, war is over.
I’d be glad that the war is over but super pissed that I have no tenants.
At the moment I’m happy that I have new tenants but less pissed off that the war is still going on then I would be if I had no tenants.

I hope that made sense to someone other then me.

I’m looking forward to my super long weekend, I don’t go back to work until Thursday.
Monday’s a holiday and Tuesday and Wednesday I’ll be in court, I hope the court thing doesn’t take up my whole day.

I think I should let you all know that my internet has been down at home since Wednesday, not sure why. So if you wrote a post and I was unable to comment on it please forgive me. I know what big cry cry’s one of you can be.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008


So, I’ll be having a couple of empty apartments Sep 1st. I’ve had a shit load of people call me and a few of them have made appointments to see them. Sometimes they don’t bother to show up and don’t even call to cancel.
I don’t live far from the building but it still pisses me off. I haven’t had much luck with the people that have come to see it. One lady asked me are you going to run a credit report? I have really bad credit and my fiancé has no credit.

I’ve had a number of people trying to talk me into lowering the rent.
I’m not selling a car here people!
One couple asked if having a Doberman dog would be ok.
One lady wants to run a daycare from one of the apartments.
Why would I want a bunch of little pain in the ass kids banging on the kitchen cabinets?

I’m a little disappointed in the way this post is going, not funny at all so I think I’ll just tell you a joke.

A fisherman caught a little gold fish, the gold fish told the fisherman.

Please, please let me go! I don’t want to die! I’m just a little gold fish, to young to die, please let me go. If you do I’ll grant you a wish.

How about three wishes?

Do I look like a Jean Knee? I’m not the blue guy from Aladdin, I’m just a little gold fish.

The fisherman is thinking “Wow, I can really make a difference here. I have an opportunity to make the world a better place” I wish, I wish for the war in Iraq to be over.

But I’m just a little gold fish; I don’t even know where Iraq is! Can’t you wish for something smaller? Something for yourself?

Ok, then make my wife more attractive, my friends always make fun of me because my wife is really ugly. Here’s a picture of her.

The fish wipes his eyes a couple of times and says.
Where was Iraq again?

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Dominican Dan

So, seems like I’m soon going to be put in charge of a Quality Assurance System at the job. I’ll have to set up quality checks at various points of production and I’ll have to take a trip to the Dominican Republic to see how the system works in a factory that has implemented the system.
I’ll fly out there on a Monday and fly back on a Friday, I don’t know much about the DR other then the fact that Sammy Sosa was born there. I hate Sammy Sosa.
I think The Wife has an old Sosa jersey, I think I should wear it so that I can blend in, maybe I’ll take my Cowboy hat. Hope they have good Ice Cream over there.

Starting tomorrow Cock fighting will be completely banned in all the US, Louisiana was the last state to allow it.

Am I the only one in the US hoping that Michael Phelps cramps up tonight and finishes last and drowns in the pool and that his mother then jumps in to try to save him and drowns too? I’m so sick of the coverage this guy is getting.

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Who needs wisdom?

So, I have problems with my teeth!!!!
There’s a gap in between my Wisdom tooth and the tooth next to my wisdom tooth that is driving me FUCKING CAZY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Every time I eat I get food suck in this gap and it’s impossible to get out. I try to floss but that only makes it worse because the floss pushes the food up and makes it harder to get. My gums bleed every time!
I’ll have a piece of burger stuck in there for a couple of days before it comes down on its own, when it does it makes my mouth smell like dog ass.
I try all day to get the food out; sometimes with my tongue so now my tongue is sore and has suffered little cuts from brushing up against my teeth.
Have any of you had your wisdom teeth pulled out?
Does it hurt?
I can’t live like this.
Will I become a dumbass if I have it removed?
I’ve been to the dentist litterly once in my life and it was a miserable experience. I decided one day to have my teeth cleaned; the dentist explained that they only do one half of your mouth during the first visit, the second half is done a week later. I had the first half done but I never went back to do the other half. It hurt so much! I must of had a crappy dentist. After all that pain I couldn’t even tell the difference between the two half’s. My dentist was Chinese, that day I lost all faith in anything Chinese. I stopped eating Chinese food and cat. I stopped practicing Kung Fu, I threw away all my Bruce Lee movies and my Kimono along with all my made in China clothes that didn’t fit.
I ‘m worried about these Olympics, one guy got killed already.

Monday, August 4, 2008

Spoiled Week

So, my new job place shuts down every year for a week to do full maintenance on all the machines. This year the shutdown will be the week of September 1st.
What am I doing that week you ask?
Well, I had originally planed to sit on my ass playing Grand Theft Auto all day since The Wife has to work that week, but now I get the pleasure of being in court.
See, I got this letter today that says:
Dan the Peoples Blogger on Sep 2nd and 3rd
To appear to testify before the honorable judge bla, bla, bla

I really don’t want to go, they should ask nicely not WE COMMAND, that just seems kind of asshoeie to me.
I’m going to borrow that tomorrow at work, I’m gonna be like
“I COMMAND you to ship this out today!”
I wonder what kind of a response I’ll get from the workforce when I start COMMANDING them around all over the place!
I COMMAND you to feed that machine faster!
Makes me feel like Moses for some reason, I need one of those big sticks.
I already have the beard and the crazy hair.
Do you guys think I can push this case down an extra week.
I’m going to call the Judge and be like “I COMMAND you to reschedule!

Thursday, July 31, 2008

Tourists Beware

So, I was reading the other day about how Mexico is now ranked #1 among kidnappings.
Mexicans are kidnapping tourist for ransom, the greedy stupid ones will hold on to their victims and demand big bucks. The smart ones drive there victims to an ATM and make them withdraw 4 / 5 hundred bucks.
This really pisses me off!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why didn’t I think of that????!?!!!?!?!?!??!?!?
I could be worth millions (of Pesos) by now. Seems like an easy way to earn a buck.
Juarez seems like the perfect city for me to start my new business; I hear a lot of do goody college students like to go there to help the poor people of Mexico build houses.

Saturday, July 26, 2008

Horse Heaven......Horse Hell

So, I was flipping channels the other day and came across a story on “Real Sports with Brian Gumbel” it was about a horse named Storm Cat. Storm Cats father was Secreteriat a horse that won the triple crown, not sure exactly what that means but it sounds impressive. Well, Storm Cat’s race career wasn’t all that great so after he retired from racing his owners turned him into a male horse prostitute. The original stud fee was around $10,000.
A couple of years later Storm Cats kids were kicking all form of ass on the race track.
Because of this Storm Cats horse sperm was now in high demand, his fee reached the ridiculous amount of $ 500,000 per each successful pregnancy.
Storm Cats average day went as follows:
Wake up, get fed, run around a bit, have a morning sex session with a female horse, chill for a few hours and have an evening sex session with a different horse.
Things didn’t always go as planed, during an early sex session a female wasn’t in the mood (must have had a headache) and kicked him. Now these are million dollar horse balls that must be protected so what do the owners do?
They get another horse to have horse foreplay with the female to determine if she’s in the mood, so this poor bastard horse gets all excited and mounts the female. If she lets herself be mounted they take him down and bring in Storm Cat to have sex with her.

This is the worst case of animal cruelty I’ve EVER heard of.
Where the fuck are you PETA when you’re really needed !!!!!!

Please save this poor bastard horse from never ending blue balls.
They should at least have the sable boy finish the job every once in a while.
This is worse then anything Dante came up with.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Deep Thoughts

So, I was thinking today about nature. Seems like everything in nature has a reason, we need the sun to stay warm, water to make beer and later to make pee to fight off aliens, trees to cut down for wood, I think trees also clean the air or something, dirt to plant trees to cut down for wood, the moon (not sure what the hell the moon does but I’m sure it’s there for a reason, (I’m sure Brian will give me an explanation) air, animals and fish to eat etc, etc
The human body itself blows my mind, eyes to see, lungs to breathe, ears. I mean everything about it is amazing. We need food for energy and take what we need and crap what we don’t, our brain sends all these signals to our hands and feet to move around …’s crazy.

This got me thinking about the earth and oil, we have pumped millions and millions of barrels of oil out of the earth and I was thinking to myself “What if all that oil is there for a reason?” what if it acts like coolant in your car. What if that’s the real cause of global warming?

I was at Walgreens and saw that the “pregnant man” is having problems with his wife.
I find that very funny for some reason, if they get a divorce he will no doubt loose custody of his children since the mom always gets the kids.

Sunday, July 20, 2008

Pee and the 80's

So, I went to a Sox game (baseball) on Friday with my brother Serge . For some reason I feel really safe with him around, like I can talk shit to all the opposing teams fans and know that if there’s any trouble he’ll have my back.
It was 80’s night so a lot of the staff and a few fans were walking around wearing all the ridiculously stupid looking eighties gear. I also saw people wearing mullet hair cuts.
Thru out the night 80’s music was being played thru the speakers of the stadium, this is when I came to realize how much eighties music really sucks ass. Here are a few songs I heard, they also had a live band playing some of this crap.
The “Take on me song” Take on me, take me on, take me on wawaduaooooo Sucks!
“Walk like an Egyptian” Sucks! They played songs from The Cure that I don’t know by name, they all suck. Early Madonna, sucks. That “ Don’t you forget about me song” from that crappy breakfast club movie sucks. I could go on and on. If you grew up in the eighties I feel your pain. They did play some early Michael Jackson that I don’t hate, the Mamase mamama mamama fu sa song isn’t bad, but I keep on waiting for Rihana’s voice and “Please don’t stop the music” after that.

I hate going to the bathroom at sporting events, you always miss out on the good stuff. My brother missed out on a 3 run hommer while peeing. I must have a very large bladder because when I’m drinking I can hold it in for a while before I have to go. I would say the average man pees 3 times before I have to go. I always unload before the game is over if I don’t by the time I get to the car I’ll be ready to explode.
What sucks is that I always seem to bet on the wrong horses. When you walk into the bathroom at a sporting event there’s like 10 lines of guys waiting to take a leek, I always seem to pick the line with the slowest peers. I’ve tried several different formulas, I first walk in and look at the size of the men (that sounded kind of gay) I pick the line with the thinner shorter men because I figure they’ll pee faster. Well, I’m always wrong, all the other lines are moving along much faster then mine. I’ve also tried picking the line with the biggest men, that doesn’t work either. I’ve also tried waiting for a toilet, the lines for the toilets are always shorter then the pee line but my luck always sucks! The other toilet lines are moving along but I have to be standing on the line where everyone is taking a shit. There’s no real way to tell which line would be the fastest. Next time I’m asking them “Excuse me Sir, how many beers did you drink since your last pee?”

Are there some kind of special pants I could get? I know someone must have already invented some kind of pants that attach to your “love muscle” with some kind of plastic lining or bag for pee storage. It would be good for sporting events and long road trips.

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Biker Dan

So, I was finally able to get my used bike of Craig’s List. It’s a Iron Horse something Mountain Bike. The Wife and I went biking today and I have a few tips for all you future bikers.

1) Look for loose change while biking, I collected a total of 10 cents while on the road today. If I’m lucky enough to find this amount every time I go out, the bike will pay for itself on my 1,000th trip.

2) While on the road don’t spit forward, you should lean your head down and spit towards the floor. The wind can be a real son of a bitch and send that spit back to your face.

3) Make sure the seat is the proper size, the previous owner of this bike was a tiny tiny woman who sold it because it was too big for her, she must have changed the original seat, that sucker is small.

4) Don’t get all excited and go to far, remember you still have to bike back home. Half way back home I wanted to throw up. I’m glad I didn’t cause my dumb ass would have probably thrown up forward against the wind.

5) Watch out for attacking birds, some guy in Chicago was attacked by a bird and fell off his bike, he’s dead now. The guy, not the bird. The bird is probably still flying around shitting on peoples cars. I hate birds! that’s all they’re good for, shitting on peoples cars and killing bikers.

6) Don't bike too much cause it's bad for the "huevos" if you think I'm full of crap just ask Lance Armstrong. Arm strong but weak balls.

When The Wife heard the news about the dead guy she asked me to buy a helmet. I don’t want to because I’ll look like an English cigarette it. Although I do want to get some stretchy biker shorts.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Random stuff and never ending thoughts.

So, I’m making more of an effort to exercise more because The Wife is making me make more of an effort to exercise more. I’ve had leaner days, I’m okay with my current 20 pound over weighteness, but The Wife insists on leading healthier lives bla, bla, bla.
We went roller blading over the weekend, when I took my blades out of the shed they literally had spider webs all over them. A couple of days ago I got The Wife a bike from Craig’s list and today I’m getting one for myself.

Yesterday I took Nikki the dog out for a walk that ended up being more like a jog, at some point some guy with another dog walked by us and as is usual with dogs they started smelling each others dog butts. They kind of circled each other a couple of times so both are leashes got tangled. The other guy and I started going in circles to untangle them. The Wife who was not far from there quickly pointed out that I was dancing with another man, verrry funny Wife, she thinks she’s so funny sometimes.

I’m a little concerned about getting fit, what if once I’m fit I have all these chicks trying to get some Dan love? With all the watermelon I eat, forget it.

I’m happy to report that my house is now officially “green”, we have a recycle bin for all of our crap.
As I write this the piece of shit guy who is selling me my bike just cancelled on me for the third time!!!! What a retard!!!!

I went to see Hancock over the weekend, the best thing about the movie ( other then the always hot Charlize Theron ) was a trailer I saw for a movie called “The day the earth stood still” with Keanu Reeves it looks awesome, am I the only person in the world who thinks that Keanu is a great actor? Either that or he’s is very good at picking his movies.
I like most of his stuff.

Monday, July 7, 2008

Saturday, July 5, 2008


So, this new study claims that watermelon has the same effects on a man as taking Viagra. I’ve eating lots and lots of watermelon in my day but I don’t remember it giving me any……..boners, I mean side effects, other then satisfying my tummy.
I’m going to my local produce store right now to get me some watermelon, I must verify these claims. Although I’ve never had to take Viagra so how would I know if it’s the same?
One thing I know for sure is that if I owned a store that sold watermelon I’d jack up the price and start charging 10 times what its worth.
I wonder if I could buy some stock in watermelon.

Click here to read the story.


Thursday, July 3, 2008

Handy Dan

So, I’m off today, got a four day weekend!
Although I probably shouldn’t count today because The Wife wants me to do some things around the house. A couple of my co-workers said that I made a big mistake by telling her I wasn’t working today.
“Do you think my wife knows I don’t have to work on Thursday? Hell no”
I’m going to get up like I’m coming to work, go to breakfast, give her enough time to leave the house and come back and relax.

The other guy is cheating on his wife and said he was taking his girlfriend to Navy Pier, for those of you that are not from Chicago Navy Pier is a tourist spot with boats and a giant stupid Ferris Wheel; never got the attraction to that place.
Are these guys out of their fucken minds!!!!!
Why wouldn’t I tell The Wife I have the day off? I truly feel sorry for them!

Here is my to do list:
I have to unclog the drain from our bathroom sink and fix an awning that is falling apart. Doesn’t sound that bad but I’ve never been able to fix anything quickly. I know that once I take off that elbow looking think under the sink I’m probably going to break it and have to run to the Home Depot to get a new one. Then as usual I’m going to buy the wrong size so I’ll have to go back again to return it. Once I unclog and install the new one I’m going to realize that the water is still going down kind of slow so I’ll take it apart again and put it back together. Once I do that I’ll realize that I have this massive water leak so I’ll have to take it apart and go to Home Depot to get some of that Teflon tape used in pluming. At some point I'll hit my head somewhere and loose the tool I’m using and spend an hour looking for it and find it in my back pocket.
Don’t get me started on the awning job.

I shouldn’t have told the wife I have the day off, I truly feel sorry for myself. I must have been out of my mind. I should have just done what my co-worker is doing now……..the one that came back home to relax, not the Navy Pier one.


Wednesday, June 25, 2008

The grass is always greener on the other side

So, I wonder what kind of fertilizer my next door neighbor uses ?

Saturday, June 21, 2008

Nikki and my hairless arm

So, someone knocks on my door Thursday night, it was kind of late around 10:30pm. It was this lady who I’ve never seen before that lives a couple of houses from me and says:
Hi, just wanted to let you know that your dog was running around outside. I picked her up and called the cops. They were going to take her to the animal shelter but then your neighbor said it was yours. I was knocking on the door and no one came out so I went around to the back, your gate was open so I let her back in and closed the door.
Are you sure it was her?
Yes, I’m positive. I sat on your front stairs for a little while waiting to see if anyone was home.

This happened the same day that my in-laws had to send their puppy to doggy heaven, her name was “Bella” she was a 1 ½ year old terrier. The Vet thinks she didn’t have all her shots.
My dog’s name is “Nikki” she’s a pug/terrier mix. I can’t imagine how upset The Wife would have been if she had run away or got run over by a car.
_ _ _

The Wife and I were outside cooking, we do this very often and I'm usually the one that man’s the grill, she was taking care of it today. While she was inside getting other stuff I got up and opened the top of the grill to turn the meat around, I noticed the meat wasn’t cooking. All the flames were off, so what did my dumbass do?
I pushed the button that creates the spark that lights the grill, only problem is that the gas had been on for like 7 minutes and since the lid was down all the gas was trapped and when I pushed the button……”BOOOOMMMM!!!!”
I felt this strong gush of hot air go up my left arm and to my face. It didn’t really hurt but all the hair on my left arm was completely burned off. I’m a pretty hairy guy so now my left arm is all smooth, I was thinking about shaving my right arm to even things out.
I had a disturbing thought, what if the The Wife did it on purpose? I do have life insurance. Although my earning potential for the next thirty years is way more that the policy. I’m glad I was wearing my sunglasses.

Sunday, June 15, 2008

Innocence Lost

So, this new movie called “The Happening” is out I really want to see it so anyone of you who would like to accompany me to it will get some free Nachos.
It’s from the same guy that did “the sixth sense” I think his name is M Night Schamalakalaka.

The Wife had to pick me up from work on Friday because I locked myself out of the locker room, my keys, wallet and cell phone were in there. I had to go to work on Saturday to pick up all my stuff, my boss who also uses that locker room was coming in on Saturday too. When I got there I asked him for his keys, when I walked into the locker room I noticed that all of the calendars (you know all those calendars of women in “artistic posses”) were all on PG pages. I thought to myself “who the hell changed all the calendars around” you see I’ve taken the time to go thru all 12 months of each one and chose the best most artistic picture.
I got my stuff and rearranged all the calendars back to the pages I had them at. Before I left I walked thu the plant a couple of times just to see what everyone was up to then I went back to the locker room to get my dirty clothes, I heard a toilet flush then out of one of the stalls walks out this little ass kid, eight or nine years old. His name I forget but it was my bosses son. After he left the locker room I quickly flipped all the calendars around again.
Hey, the kid will remember this day for the rest of his life.

Saturday, June 7, 2008

A legend is born

So there’s this guy at work named Sal, he’s a big dude about 6’3 with a serious bodybuilder body. He’s a Formen of a department and in my opinion a very good one. I think all of his crew is intimidated by his size so they are well behaved.
Well Thursday he and my new partner in crime Ted were arm wrestling in the office, of course Sal beat the crap out of him but not before letting Ted think he had a chance, he toyed with him for a little bit.
Ted is a 23 year old collage student, very intelligent guy who’s been working there for a couple of years. He has great ideas that have never really been implemented because people didn’t really care about what he said, but now he has someone that thinks like him to back him up.

After the arm wrestling match ended I kind of started to walk away because I knew Sal would challenge me next. I think I was there all of two days when he told me he could bench 500 lbs. sure enough he said.

Hey Dan, you want to go next?

I really didn’t but I couldn’t say no, I’ve put my time in the gym at one point in my life so I surly would at least give him a fight for 2 or 3 seconds.
I immediately noticed that the table we were going to use was backed up against the wall, so the person standing on the left would have to push towards the wall and would have no leverage while the person standing on the right would be able to lean his body and have all the leverage in the world.

Ok, I told him, you stand on that side. Of course I pointed to the left side.
So we started our match, I also know that you should always keep your elbow as close to your chest as you can, the more you open your arm the weaker you will be. We were locked in the starting position, he couldn’t move me and I couldn’t move him. I was impressed he was able to hold on for so long I made him carry all 210 lbs of me (that’s what I weigh fully dressed with steal toe shoes, I’m not fat I just got a little gut) after like 30 seconds he let go and I was victorious !!!

He’s not that stupid so he immediately demanded a re-match but this time he wanted me to stand on the left.

I told him no, I’m too tired to go again. Do you want to beat me knowing that I’m tired?
Hey, well I was already tired too because I arm wrestled Ted first so that was my second match.
Now for sure I won’t give you a re-match because when I beat you again you’re going to say that you were tired because that was your third match.
Left hand then, left hand, but you stand on that side this time.
He easily beat me.
Ok, let’s do the right hand again! I’ll beat you really easy, if you stand on the left.
No, lets just leave it like it is, I won with the right, and you won with the left.
Yeah but you cheated!
Didn’t you do the same thing with the left? I have no problems admitting that I lost with the left; you should take your loss like a man.
Ok, lets to it on another table where no one will have an advantage.
I told you I was tired already, lets do it tomorrow, I’ll be rested, do you want to beat me when I’m tired or do you want to beat me when I’m strong and rested?
Ok, but tomorrow I’ll be stronger too.

Here is the funny part; I WILL NEVER give this guy a re-match. If I do he will no doubt beat me, if I don’t then I will be the guy who beat Sal in arm wrestling forever. I’ll have this over him for the next 20 years.
I broke a blood vessel in my eye last week while coughing; my right eye has looked like its bleeding since then.
Friday I told him that I needed my eye to clear up before a re-match because I didn’t want to break another blood vessel. I’ll have an excuse for the next twenty years.
I of course told a few people that I beat him and it has now spread to the entire plant.
I think the poor guy is loosing sleep over it.

It’s really heating up here now, yesterday we got to 90. Doesn’t sound that bad but when you work in a place that needs to be heated to dry leather it feels much hotter.
I need to go out and buy me some cotton breathable pants, yesterday I took jeans to work and they were killing me! All that sweat has no where to go the skin at the top of my legs near the ball area is rubbing raw when I walk and it hurts like hell. I did a self examination with a mirror yesterday and that whole end of leg/ball area is all red. I’ll post pictures if you would like me to. I still had to try to walk normal at work but when I got home yesterday I was walking like a prison bitch.
Or I can make some holes in the proper area on my jeans and boxers, maybe I can put a little fan there too, kind of like those hats that came out in the 80’s that had a little fan and a hole by the forehead. Does anybody remember those hats?
Don't forget to let me know if you would like me to post pictures of the rubbed raw area.

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Still Alive

So, I've been kind of busy lately. No time or PC at work and get home with just enough time to read my regular posts.
Just wanted you all to know that I'm still alive, if I had died I'm sure Bee would have posted about it already.
Ok, got to go. The Wife want's to lay on me.

Sunday, May 25, 2008

Cowboy Dan

So, The Wife is making me move to Texas in 10 years, she hates the cold winters and says that if I want to go visit the family in Mexico it would be a manageable 10-15 hour drive depending on how close to the border we are. I’m not crazy about the idea although I definitely think I would make a good Cowboy, here are a few reasons why.

1) I’ve seen all the Young Gun’s movies at least twice.
Emilio Estevez played “Billy the kid” and was a badass in the movies, I have no doubt that I could beat the crap out of Emilio Estevez any day of the week.

2) I haven’t seen “Brokeback Mountain” no self respecting Cowboy would, I think it’s actually illegal to be gay in Texas, not there’s anything wrong with that. No problems there since I’m such a manly man.

3) I don’t like county music but I do think Carrie Underwood is hawt and that Dolly Parton still has nice jugs.

4) I’ve shoot me a gun before, brother Serg took me to the gun range a few weeks ago so I know how to handle a “piece”. Better not fuck with Cowboy Dan cause he’ll bust a cap in your ass!

5) I think I danced the electric slide at a club once although it might have been the “Macarena” so I guess it really doesn’t count. It also could have been the Cha-Cha Slide.

6) I don’t shave or cut my hair very often, I usually have the scrubby beard, mad scientist look. Although my hair is not an issue since I’ll be wearing my cowboy hat all the time.
If you’re a man and you have your eyebrows done and get manicures you might as well have a vajayjay. What’s up with the man earrings?

7) I rode me a horse when my brother got married in a Mexican Hacienda it was more then a horse, more like an enormous BEAST horse, never mind the fact the horse went all crazy and took me up a rocky mountain, the son of a bitch horse was running under trees that had low branches so I had to cover my head with my arms, when the son of a bitch horse finally came to a stop my arms and hands were bruised and bloody.

8) I already own me a cowboy hat, see picture below of me and the son of a bitch horse.

9) My grandfather owns a pick-up truck and some goats.

10) At one of my old jobs we had a customer that bought leather from us to make cowboy chaps, I used to talk to the owner all the time so I’d get a good deal on them.

I’m a little worried about one thing though, if its so hawt down there I won’t be wearing my Wrangler Jeans a whole lot. As Nancy pointed out I’m in shorts and flip flops all summer. Would I stick out too much in shorts and flip flops and a cowboy hat? Shorts, flips flops, cowboy hat and cowboy chaps, the new look of the modern cowboy.
Here I am with the son of a bitch horse beast.

I hope Cowboys like Ice Cream.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008


So, one of my favorite shows is starting tomorrow on FOX. It’s “So you think you can dance” before any of you ( Bee ) starts making gay jokes let me tell you that the girls in the show are hawt and sexy so I have no shame to admit that I like this show.

First Mariah now Jessica Alba, what is going on? All I need is to find out that Shakira is getting married or knocked up too, as they say they always come in threes. Or do they say that about dead people? I guess it’s all the same. I need to make a new top 3 list.

Went to visit sister Nancy to get fed and to visit her and her family and to get fed, Bee was like an hour late! She was in charge of bringing the Coca Cola so I had to settle for Squirt. I later proceeded to strangle her and kick her in the …leg. Brother in law Andy said that cows are now living in the Matrix…..yea, ok dude.

Not much to report on the job front except for the fact that we caught a crap load of people cheating on their piece work, employees get paid by the piece so they’ve been reporting more pieces made then they actually did. Funny thing is that it’s probably been going on for years and no one thought to verify if their numbers were correct.
When I told one of the supervisors that I was going to start checking he said.
“Everyone is going to get pissed” yea so????

I have a terrible man cold, I’m tempted to call in sick tomorrow, I would if I had been there a little longer. My attendance at work has always been excellent, I can recall missing one day in the last 12 years. I’m looking forward to the three day weekend coming up.

I’m trying to get this guy fired because I want his office, he’s been there for like 30 years and is past retirement age. As far as I can tell he does nothing important, he sits on his ass all day shuffling papers on his desk.

I still have a Voodo curse on Bee, for those of you that don’t know about it I cursed her to give birth to a couple of kids before she hits forty. I have this little doll in my basement and I rolled up a napkin and stuffed it in her belly to make her look pregnant.

The wife still wants to move to Texas even after I told her there was a lady down there that keeps frozen corpses in her kitchen. I’ll be writing a post on why I think I would make a good cowboy.

I’m starting to wonder if my Canadian Finepecia (Propecia) is working at all, I’m still balding.

The title comes from one of my cousins in Mexico who according to him spoke English and would say that to my brother and I all the time. Watchiminifu, I think he was trying to say “What you mean you fool” he would even sing it “ And a Watchiminifu

Sunday, May 18, 2008

Mo Money

So, I still don’t have my own computer at work yet and it’s starting to piss me off.
There’s one community computer in the office but there’s no privacy, I’m also worried about all the germs that are supposedly on the keyboard. I think it was Brian who said it has more germs then a toilet and he would rather eat off a toilet then a keyboard. I prefer a plate.
I don’t know how much longer I can continue blogging for free, I should be getting paid for it like I normally did.
I find it hard sometimes to sit down and write something after I get home from work, I’m usually starving so I sit down to eat, after that I get kind of lazy.
If I don’t get one soon I think I’m going to start one of those blogs were you can only read if you are invited to it, so all of you will be invited to read after you give me your credit card numbers. I think $5.99 a month if a fair price, $71.88 a year. Hurry act know and get me for $50 dlls a year, operators are standing by.

I usually bath Maxine myself but the pipe that connects to my outside hose broke so I had to take her to a car wash. Can you believe they charge $14 bucks for a fricken car wash!
That’s insane, I bath her in like 20 minutes, although they also cleaned her from inside really well. No one cleans a car better then I do, If I put a sign outside my house and charge $14 dlls a car it could be a good weekend side job. I don’t want to spend my whole weekend washing cars but if I do like 4 hrs. / 8 cars on a Saturday morning that would be $ 112 dlls a week, if I do it for 20 Saturdays during the nice weather spring, summer, fall months then I’m looking at like $2,300 extra dlls.
This plus the blogging subscription fee would be extra income to go towards my retirement fund, since I have no intentions of working a day past forty I need to get this started right away.
By the way, The Wife wants to retire in Texas because she can’t stand the cold so I need Brian to do a blog about how much Texas sucks.

By the time you mail the bones out Polka Dot will be in the freezer next to Cupcake.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008


So, I picked today to start laying the smackdown. I told the guy that does the UPS that if he didn’t have any packages to ship out he should help out with the packing.
He got all pissy and started acting like a beeyotch.
After about 10 minutes of arguing he did what I asked him to do, good for him because my right leg was already starting to get in the nut kicking position. I need to start practicing my Kung Fu.
I’m worried about Maxine, once I start pissing everyone off I wouldn’t put it past some of these guys to key her. The owner said I could park in the garage, I didn’t even know we had a garage. The garage has an old door with a lock so I would have to get out of Maxine, open the door, drive in and then close the door. A huge pain in the ass but worth the extra trouble.

Why the hell is “The Price is Right” on so late today and what the hell happened to Bob?
He looks like Drew Carey.
I started re-watching all the X Files episodes, yesterday The Wife and I saw that one with an alien, can’t wait for the new movie to come out.
My boss told me today just before I left that he is very happy with what I’m doing.
“You’re all I was hoping you would be and then some” he said.
Do you guys think its too early to ask for a raise?

Friday, May 9, 2008

I see old people

So, I’ve run into my first bump on the road in my new job. The shipping department is highly inefficient; we should be able to ship way more then we do. Overtime is being worked in order to catch up with our promised delivery dates.
Here is the problem:
The average age of this department is about 98. Ok, I’m exaggerating, the average age of this department is 97. Ok, I’m exaggerating again, sorry.
The average age of this department is 96, ok that’s not funny anymore.

Seriously now, the average age of this department is 95. I’m seriously amusing myself.
Ok really now, the average age is 94 GOTCHA AGAIN. I can’t believe you keep on falling for it!!!!

Ok, it’s seriously not funny at all anymore, not that it was to begin with. The average age is about 60 (I bet you a million dollars that you thought I was going to say 94)

The Foreman is about 65, one of the packers has been there for 45 years and is at least 66.
The guy in charge of all the UPS shipments is also around 62. The other two guys working there are in there mid forties and are young enough and capable of doing more but they seem to be working at the same pace as the old guys. (BOV don’t do the math, I know the average is not 60)

I kind of think my boss is just waiting for them to retire, I’m not that patient. I was hired to improve the overall productivity in the plat and my first assignment is the shipping department. How am I supposed to accomplish this with all these old guys?
If I suggest they should be forced to retire I’ll come out looking like an ahole.
To make things more complicated all three of these guys happen to be black, so not only will I come off looking like an ahole but also like a racist, so I’ll be a racist ahole. I can see that on my business cards, Dan Cordova, racist ahole.
I need some help here people, how should I approach this one?
Did any of you see the Danica Patrick accident? Funny stuff, everyone knows women can’t drive. Just kidding.
By the way, I’m posting comments and posts later then usual because I’m still trying to impress my new company, I’m not comfortable enough to blog at work yet.

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Oh, my eyes

So, I’m happy to report that only the “huevo” test was done and that I’m still a butt virgin, hope I never go to prison. The new job has been good so far, with my 11 years experience in this field I’m going to make an immediate impact. A lot of the staff is a little on the old side and have no computer skills what so ever, I would put myself in that category also but compared to these guys I’m fricken Bill Gates and Steve Jobs rolled into one. I still haven’t been formally introduced yet, turns out we have a meeting every Thursday so I’ll be introduced then.
I have my own locker/toilet/shower room which is great, actually I have to share this room with 2 of the formen. I’m glad I don’t have to use the same bathrooms as the workers, there’re three toilets in the room. I was given a key to this room today and when it was time to have a bowl movement (I will no longer use the term “make stinky” or “run the chocolate factory” because I guess some of you (The Wife and Nancy) find it gross) I sat on the toilet and noticed there was a magazine rack next to me. I grabbed a magazine and was surprised to see that it was nothing but hard core porn. I grabbed the next one and the next one and they were all porn. I was so surprised. I even forgot what I originally entered the room for, I got up and moved to the next stall and again porn on top of porn, I checked the next stall and found the same literature there to.
No, I did not go to the bathroom more then my usual 46 times during my work day.

My new hours will be 7-4:30, I have never started a job so late. For the first nine years at the other leather place I started at 5am then at 6am, at the bone place I started at 5:30 and for a few months when we were really busy I started at 4:30am. I got up today at 5:30 this is actually late for me. The wife and I decided to start working out in the morning before going to work, she also starts at 7am.
I hope I can stick with it, I’ve got about 15 lbs. of fat on my gut that I haven’t been able to lose. I’m going to order some diet pills from Canada.

Sunday, May 4, 2008

I'm affraid

So today is my last day of vacation, I start my new job tomorrow. The Wife asked me a little while ago if I was nervous and I told her no. Truth is that I am a little nervous, not because I’m nervous about meeting new people or the whole trying to fit in thing, I’m not starting this job expecting to make any friends. The owner said I had the authority to kick ass and take names, I’d like to think I was hired to kick ass and chew gum.
The current work force stands around 140 people, contrary to the bone company the work force is mostly male. I assume the owner is going to formally introduce me tomorrow, I have my speech all worked out already, would you like to hear it? Here it goes:

“I’m very happy to be here, to be a part of the team and I look forward to working with all of you”

I like to keep things short and sweet.

This is not the reason I’m nervous though, the thought of standing in front of a bunch of people I don’t know and giving them my speech does not scare me.
What scares me is the freaken physical I’ll be taking tomorrow.
When I was hired I was told that I had to go take a physical and drug test, I was told they would call me last week to go take it but they never did. So I assume that I’ll be taking this physical on Monday. I’m hoping and prying that all I’ll have to do is pee in a cup.
I hope the doctor doesn’t ask me to get naked, I hate getting naked for doctors!!!!!
I've been blessed so far with great health but I have had one pervert doctor play with my “huevos” before and making me cough. What the fuck is up with that? Freaken Perv!!!
The thought of this make me want to throw up, what if the Dr. wants to check my ass too?
I’m only 31, far to young to be submitted to the ass test but since I’ll be standing there all exposed already I wouldn’t put it past the Dr. to want to take a closer look at my stink hole.

I wish I had thought about this before I accepted the position, if I had I would have negotiated higher pay.

Friday, May 2, 2008

The moment you've all been waiting for.

So, the moment you’ve all been waiting for is here. I give you “The Pergola”

Monday, April 28, 2008

Rain, Rain go away, come back next week !!!

So I’m off this week. I’m taking a week off before I start my new job. Seems like I picked the worst week weather wise to take off. There's nothing but rain in the forecast, I have Sox tickets (baseball) for today but its raining and cold, it’s like 45 degrees.
I had planned to build the Pergola his week but now I my not be able to, sorry guys I know how much you're all dying to see it.
Maybe this would be a good time to finish writing my movie, it’s about a bunch of people who start killing a bunch of people, lots of violence and guns.
This reminds me that last week I went with by brother to go shoot me a gun. I’d never shoot one before, my brother owns two of them so we went to go shoot. It was pretty fun, kind of like throwing darts but with bullets. I had pictures to post but I’m too stupid to figure out how to do it, my computer knowledge is limited.
In Illinois you need to register to get a gun, you fill out an application, wait a couple of weeks for the back ground check and you’re done. Seems too easy, you have to do allot more then that to get a drivers license. I think we need to come up with a test before giving someone a gun. I know there are allot of responsible gun owner around but I’m sure there’s allot of dumb asses that own guns too.
Most crime in the US is committed with illegally obtained guns, so maybe it doesn’t matter. Criminals will get a hold of them one way or another, I wonder what the percentage of murders were committed with registered legal guns.
My brother was allot better then me at target practice, most of his shots were on the chest or head. Most of my shots didn’t even make a hole on the target thing….. that’s because I was aiming for the dudes legs. Had it been a full figured target thing all my holes would have been on the knees and the nuts.

Friday, April 25, 2008

Last Day

So today is my last day at the dog bone place, on the way here I was trying to come up with a list of things that I’m going to miss about this place and it was quite difficult so I decided to make a list of the things that I will not miss.

The smell, it smells like cow, dog and monkey ass all at once. During the summer some of the material starts to spoil and we have to put lime on it to get rid of the smell and to prevent it from spoiling.

My bosses wife, enough said! You all know exactly how I feel about her. Can you believe that just a month ago she told one of the workers that I was irresponsible because last year during the summer I came in about 5 minutes late. I had a few people starting at 4am in the morning to set things up for everyone else who were starting at 5am ( this is when we were really busy ) In 15 months that I worked here I never missed a single day, I came in to work with “man colds” and all. I was 5 min. late ONE time and I’m irresponsible!!!!!?????
I seem to remember when I was hired that my starting time was 6am so I was actually
1 hr 55 min early you fucken piece of shit bitch hoe !!!!!!!!
The bitches mother (her mom works here) also has a set of keys but that day she conveniently forgot her keys, what a bunch of crap. The old lady didn’t open the door just so she could tell her daughter that I was late, she wanted to make me look bad.

The drive, I currently drive 30 miles each way thru the very heart of downtown Chicago. My next job is only 8 miles from my house, I won’t even have to get on the highway.
I’m going to save a crap load on gas (petrol for all my British reader) Maxine’s got like 25,000 miles on her already.

The hours, I put in way too many hours. I had to work a few Saturday’s and even some Sunday’s.

The heat, the dog bones dry in ovens so I have to often go in the ovens to check how they’re coming out and if they’re dry. I think that’s part of the reason I’m losing my hair.
Sergio where the hell is my Mexican shampoo????????

I actually did come up with something I’ll miss, the “Chick Fights” about 80% of the workforce was female and we had a couple of chick fights, I love chick fights!

I’m kind of pissed off because Jessica Alba lost her title of Sexiest Woman Alive to Megan Fox, I guess once Jessica recovers from her Fetal Disease and loses those Fetus pounds she’ll be back on top. Megan Fox is definitely worthy of holding the title till then.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Kia problems

So, I got a call yesterday from the girl that bought the wife’s old car, the Kia.
She claims that she drove it for fifteen minutes and that the check engine light, oil and battery light all came on and she was not longer able to drive the car. This girl is 18 years old, she looked about 16. First thought was she must be retarded. We just spent $450 dlls fixing all that was wrong with it, I told her the best I could do was to give her the receipt of the work done, she can then take it back to the same shop and ask them to look at it. Maybe they didn’t install something right. I then called the shop owner and explained what was happening, he said he would take a look at the car and if it was something they missed or a defective part he would fix it.
A few minutes later I get a call from her mother saying stuff like.
I once sold a car with a blown engine for $200 dlls, I told the buyer all the problems that the car had. My daughter is just a kid that saved all her money to buy the car and now it doesn’t work, why would you do that to a kid?
She should have never bought the car behind my back!!
I knew the car was worthless and sold it to her for a good price, I didn’t give a shit about her daughter breaking her piggy bank, stupid kid. She just learned a valuable lesson. I’m kidding, I’m kidding!!!
Turns out the girl did this behind the mothers back, when she picked up the car she was with her father. I told the lady that if she’s 18 she can for sure own a car.
Yea, but she didn’t even give you her right name, she used mine and signed mine. Her father doesn’t live with us anymore, hasn’t for years.
You certainly can not hold me responsible for that, she was with her father. Be mad at him not me. I spoke to the shop owner, take the car in and he’ll look at it for you.

I’m having these phone conversations while at the Vet. I had to take my dog Nikki in because some stupid big dog tried to eat her. Nikki is about 10 lbs. the other dog was a huge Saint Benard. The wife was pissed off because I stepped outside when I should have stayed with her and Nikki who was bleeding and needed to be held down so that the Vet could tend to the wound. The Wife was all scratched up.
The Wife and I agreed that if they take the Kia in and it turns out the mechanics missed something and fix it we would give them their money back if they want it. I would never screw (financially) an 18 year old girl.

I finally got a call from my new possible employer, he wants me to come in on Friday to hear his offer. YES !!!!!!

Monday, April 21, 2008


So the wife and I got Patrick over the weekend. Last Wednesday The Wife called and told me the KIA was shaking and that she didn’t think she would make it home. I told her to get off the highway and wait for me to get to her. I drove the Kia to the mechanic and somewhere in the middle of dinner we decided it was time to get Patrick.
I’m still pissed at the fact that Patrick and Maxine are going to have car sex but oh well, it was time.
I hate car sales people, we picked out the car she wanted but they didn’t have it in the color The Wife wanted so they had to bring one in from some storage location. The next day we went to pick it up, when they took us to see him we were surprised to see it was the wrong color !!!
So the manager is trying to get us to buy the wrong color car for a little discount.
“If I save you a little money would you become color blind?” he asked.
The Wife has been driving the same car for over ten years, she was having none of it. She knew exactly what she wanted. Unfortunately the color she wanted was no where to be found, no cars in that color were available in the entire Midwest. They finally found one that was being shipped to New Jersey, the manager had to make a deal with the New Jersey manager. The Chicago guy had to give up two trucks that were coming to him in order to get Patrick, it's funny how the manager acted like he was doing us a big favor.
I told The Wife he did what he had to do to make a sale.
They let us borrow the wrong color car until Patrick arrived.
We were calling the wrong color car “Fake Patrick”
I didn’t park fake Patrick in the garage because I don’t want Maxine to turn into a slut. Fake Patrick first then the real Patrick….I don’t think so.
Just in case you were wondering, no, I haven’t gotten a call from my new possible employer and at the end of the month I’ll be jobless.
No worries though, the new boss gave me his word and that’s good enough for me.
If he doesn’t call me this week then I’ll go into panic mode.
After getting the Kia fixed for a mere $450 dlls we sold her the next day,
Craig’s list is awesome.
I saw a girl get shit on by a flying bird over the weekend, that was pretty funny.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

A family divided

So, It’s been Bee’s tradition over the last few years to host a Halloween Party. Last year I hosted it (check Bee’s post from last year to see me wearing my Mariachi suit) yesterday I decided to take Bee’s Halloween party away from her. It will be at my house from now until forever.
See, my birthday is Oct. 28 so it makes more sense for me to host it, I haven’t told Bee yet, I wonder if she’ll get mad. What if she gets mad and decides to host one anyway and tears apart the family. Sister Nancy would go to hers, Sergio would come to mine, my Mom, Natalia and Sofia would come to mine, Rick…hummm not sure.
Of course you’re all invited; you have plenty of notice.
I’m sure Brian, Tracy and Jean would come to mine.
Give it up Bee, you lost! Join me! Lets join our evil forces, together we could throw one hell of a party! (the wife doesn’t want me to use the word HELL anymore, she wants me to say H-E double hockey sticks)

The wife only likes to watch chick movies and little kid movies, I usually don’t mind but seems like lately that’s all I’ve been watching, I’ve had enough for a while. I like twisted, bloody movies that are full of violence and some nudity. It doesn’t have to be soft porn but I do appreciate a boob shoot here and there.
Over the weekend she was trying to get me to watch “The last Mimzy”
I told her:
“ NO, that sounds like a little kid movie”
No its not
Well, is the main character a little kid?
No, it’s a stuffed animal.
I rest my case.

After the Pope was done with his speech yesterday President Bush (who I voted for, sorry for that) told the Pope “Thank your Holiness, awesome speech”
Awesome speech?????????

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

I QUIT !!!!!!!

So I quit my job yesterday. No I don’t have a new one yet but I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE !
I called my possible new employer on Friday and he said “we are moving forward with you but we’re still working out the numbers” That was good enough for me. I don’t even need to hear the offer yet, no matter what it is I would take it.
I don’t think they would low ball me because I told them what I needed to make in order to join them.
Was it a mistake? Should I have waited a few more days?
I don’t want to work past this month, next month we'll be in the new location and I want nothing to do with that. Since there’s only two weeks left to this month I gave him notice. I decided not to trash his wife or offer to kick her in the nuts, no point. Why end it bad. Last week was the straw that broke the camels back. We were getting a large dumpster delivered for our garbage, I had everything planned, I knew exactly where I wanted to put it to make it easy for us to load. The bitch of course called her husband and told him she didn’t think I should put it there, my boss then called me and told me to move it. If I can’t decide where to put a fucken garbage can I have no business being here. Later that day it began to rain and the workers had to load it in the rain, had I been able to put the dumpster where I wanted it no one would have gotten wet.

The Pope is coming to the USA, a couple of months ago the wife have me a book for monthaversary. It’s about the most important things that happened over the last 1,000 years. So if I want to know what happened in the year 1,520 I look at my book.
I started reading it in order, I didn’t realize that all the old Popes were real ass holes.
They killed a bunch of people and were so power hungry it just blew my mind.
They were like the kings of the world.
I wonder if the Pope still uses the Popemobil?

Friday, April 11, 2008

My time has come!!! Wife please do not read this post

So, as you all might know by now my brother in law Andy was invited to a bachelor party and over the course of the weeks leading up to the party I was unsuccessfully trying to get myself invited. As the word unsuccessfully indicated I was not successful.
I was a little sad, then mad then a little sadder then madder, eventually I got over my sadness and madness and continued to live my life. I can’t let something like this ruin the rest of my days on earth!
But there was hope on the horizon, light at the end of the tunnel. I started to hear words like “engagement ring, proposal, hand in marriage, backpacking and Rome” my little ears got pointier and pointier trying to listen in, looks like my time has come!
Turns out that someone in my circle just got engaged on a backpacking trip to Rome!
I’m so happy for myself! I will not doubt be invited to this bachelor party!
Feel free to congratulate me now, I knew the tied would change if I just be patient.
I’m so happy, oh so happy….
I am a little concerned though because I’m not sure yet if the bachelor is the bachelor party type, I will make it my mission over the next couple of months to guide him in the right direction, after all I am a little older then he is, not necessarily wiser but a little more experienced in the whole marriage thing.
I’ll give vast advise on the marriage thing and sneak in bachelor party comments. Here is an example:

So, in order to get out of doing the dishes make sure you do a crappy job. Leave a couple of pieces of rice and a bean stuck to the plates not to much cause she’ll know you’re faking, one bean is enough. Break one of her favorite plates if you have too. What nationality would you like the strippers to be? Then when you’re done don’t dry off all the water, leave some soap residue on the cups.

Pretend like you have no idea where anything is. If she tells you to sweep tell her she needs to stop hiding the broom. Use the broom to sweep outside then bring it inside to sweep the floors, how does a trip to Vegas sound? Women seem to keep the brooms separate, they use one for the outside and one for the inside. After you ruin a few brooms and get the floors full of mud you should be good.

Summer is coming so tell her it’s your job to maintain the outside of the house and hers to maintain the inside. What better then to cut a little grass then pull out an old rabbit eared antenna TV and watch a baseball game with a beer in your hand, would you like me to make all the party arrangements?

Make sure you establish a weekly allowance, seems like a bad idea at first but its actually a good one. Are you into midget strippers? Try to calculate all the money you’ll need for things she would not want you to buy like…uh, porn and add another 20 bucks to that just in case. Make sure to find a good spot for your porn, every married man has a super secret hiding place. I would recommend a fake section of wall that you can remove, or under something really heavy that doesn’t get moved by her.

Enough of examples for now, I should charge for marital advise.
I’m so happy, oh so happy.
I’m also happy for the newly engaged couple for finding true love and all that other stuff too.
Wife, when is our next dinner or movie night with them?
How about Saturday?
I know I told you not to read but I know you did. I meant nothing of what you just read, must be those Canadian drugs kicking in.