Sunday, May 25, 2008

Cowboy Dan

So, The Wife is making me move to Texas in 10 years, she hates the cold winters and says that if I want to go visit the family in Mexico it would be a manageable 10-15 hour drive depending on how close to the border we are. I’m not crazy about the idea although I definitely think I would make a good Cowboy, here are a few reasons why.

1) I’ve seen all the Young Gun’s movies at least twice.
Emilio Estevez played “Billy the kid” and was a badass in the movies, I have no doubt that I could beat the crap out of Emilio Estevez any day of the week.

2) I haven’t seen “Brokeback Mountain” no self respecting Cowboy would, I think it’s actually illegal to be gay in Texas, not there’s anything wrong with that. No problems there since I’m such a manly man.

3) I don’t like county music but I do think Carrie Underwood is hawt and that Dolly Parton still has nice jugs.

4) I’ve shoot me a gun before, brother Serg took me to the gun range a few weeks ago so I know how to handle a “piece”. Better not fuck with Cowboy Dan cause he’ll bust a cap in your ass!

5) I think I danced the electric slide at a club once although it might have been the “Macarena” so I guess it really doesn’t count. It also could have been the Cha-Cha Slide.

6) I don’t shave or cut my hair very often, I usually have the scrubby beard, mad scientist look. Although my hair is not an issue since I’ll be wearing my cowboy hat all the time.
If you’re a man and you have your eyebrows done and get manicures you might as well have a vajayjay. What’s up with the man earrings?

7) I rode me a horse when my brother got married in a Mexican Hacienda it was more then a horse, more like an enormous BEAST horse, never mind the fact the horse went all crazy and took me up a rocky mountain, the son of a bitch horse was running under trees that had low branches so I had to cover my head with my arms, when the son of a bitch horse finally came to a stop my arms and hands were bruised and bloody.

8) I already own me a cowboy hat, see picture below of me and the son of a bitch horse.

9) My grandfather owns a pick-up truck and some goats.

10) At one of my old jobs we had a customer that bought leather from us to make cowboy chaps, I used to talk to the owner all the time so I’d get a good deal on them.

I’m a little worried about one thing though, if its so hawt down there I won’t be wearing my Wrangler Jeans a whole lot. As Nancy pointed out I’m in shorts and flip flops all summer. Would I stick out too much in shorts and flip flops and a cowboy hat? Shorts, flips flops, cowboy hat and cowboy chaps, the new look of the modern cowboy.
Here I am with the son of a bitch horse beast.

I hope Cowboys like Ice Cream.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008


So, one of my favorite shows is starting tomorrow on FOX. It’s “So you think you can dance” before any of you ( Bee ) starts making gay jokes let me tell you that the girls in the show are hawt and sexy so I have no shame to admit that I like this show.

First Mariah now Jessica Alba, what is going on? All I need is to find out that Shakira is getting married or knocked up too, as they say they always come in threes. Or do they say that about dead people? I guess it’s all the same. I need to make a new top 3 list.

Went to visit sister Nancy to get fed and to visit her and her family and to get fed, Bee was like an hour late! She was in charge of bringing the Coca Cola so I had to settle for Squirt. I later proceeded to strangle her and kick her in the …leg. Brother in law Andy said that cows are now living in the Matrix…..yea, ok dude.

Not much to report on the job front except for the fact that we caught a crap load of people cheating on their piece work, employees get paid by the piece so they’ve been reporting more pieces made then they actually did. Funny thing is that it’s probably been going on for years and no one thought to verify if their numbers were correct.
When I told one of the supervisors that I was going to start checking he said.
“Everyone is going to get pissed” yea so????

I have a terrible man cold, I’m tempted to call in sick tomorrow, I would if I had been there a little longer. My attendance at work has always been excellent, I can recall missing one day in the last 12 years. I’m looking forward to the three day weekend coming up.

I’m trying to get this guy fired because I want his office, he’s been there for like 30 years and is past retirement age. As far as I can tell he does nothing important, he sits on his ass all day shuffling papers on his desk.

I still have a Voodo curse on Bee, for those of you that don’t know about it I cursed her to give birth to a couple of kids before she hits forty. I have this little doll in my basement and I rolled up a napkin and stuffed it in her belly to make her look pregnant.

The wife still wants to move to Texas even after I told her there was a lady down there that keeps frozen corpses in her kitchen. I’ll be writing a post on why I think I would make a good cowboy.

I’m starting to wonder if my Canadian Finepecia (Propecia) is working at all, I’m still balding.

The title comes from one of my cousins in Mexico who according to him spoke English and would say that to my brother and I all the time. Watchiminifu, I think he was trying to say “What you mean you fool” he would even sing it “ And a Watchiminifu

Sunday, May 18, 2008

Mo Money

So, I still don’t have my own computer at work yet and it’s starting to piss me off.
There’s one community computer in the office but there’s no privacy, I’m also worried about all the germs that are supposedly on the keyboard. I think it was Brian who said it has more germs then a toilet and he would rather eat off a toilet then a keyboard. I prefer a plate.
I don’t know how much longer I can continue blogging for free, I should be getting paid for it like I normally did.
I find it hard sometimes to sit down and write something after I get home from work, I’m usually starving so I sit down to eat, after that I get kind of lazy.
If I don’t get one soon I think I’m going to start one of those blogs were you can only read if you are invited to it, so all of you will be invited to read after you give me your credit card numbers. I think $5.99 a month if a fair price, $71.88 a year. Hurry act know and get me for $50 dlls a year, operators are standing by.

I usually bath Maxine myself but the pipe that connects to my outside hose broke so I had to take her to a car wash. Can you believe they charge $14 bucks for a fricken car wash!
That’s insane, I bath her in like 20 minutes, although they also cleaned her from inside really well. No one cleans a car better then I do, If I put a sign outside my house and charge $14 dlls a car it could be a good weekend side job. I don’t want to spend my whole weekend washing cars but if I do like 4 hrs. / 8 cars on a Saturday morning that would be $ 112 dlls a week, if I do it for 20 Saturdays during the nice weather spring, summer, fall months then I’m looking at like $2,300 extra dlls.
This plus the blogging subscription fee would be extra income to go towards my retirement fund, since I have no intentions of working a day past forty I need to get this started right away.
By the way, The Wife wants to retire in Texas because she can’t stand the cold so I need Brian to do a blog about how much Texas sucks.

By the time you mail the bones out Polka Dot will be in the freezer next to Cupcake.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008


So, I picked today to start laying the smackdown. I told the guy that does the UPS that if he didn’t have any packages to ship out he should help out with the packing.
He got all pissy and started acting like a beeyotch.
After about 10 minutes of arguing he did what I asked him to do, good for him because my right leg was already starting to get in the nut kicking position. I need to start practicing my Kung Fu.
I’m worried about Maxine, once I start pissing everyone off I wouldn’t put it past some of these guys to key her. The owner said I could park in the garage, I didn’t even know we had a garage. The garage has an old door with a lock so I would have to get out of Maxine, open the door, drive in and then close the door. A huge pain in the ass but worth the extra trouble.

Why the hell is “The Price is Right” on so late today and what the hell happened to Bob?
He looks like Drew Carey.
I started re-watching all the X Files episodes, yesterday The Wife and I saw that one with an alien, can’t wait for the new movie to come out.
My boss told me today just before I left that he is very happy with what I’m doing.
“You’re all I was hoping you would be and then some” he said.
Do you guys think its too early to ask for a raise?

Friday, May 9, 2008

I see old people

So, I’ve run into my first bump on the road in my new job. The shipping department is highly inefficient; we should be able to ship way more then we do. Overtime is being worked in order to catch up with our promised delivery dates.
Here is the problem:
The average age of this department is about 98. Ok, I’m exaggerating, the average age of this department is 97. Ok, I’m exaggerating again, sorry.
The average age of this department is 96, ok that’s not funny anymore.

Seriously now, the average age of this department is 95. I’m seriously amusing myself.
Ok really now, the average age is 94 GOTCHA AGAIN. I can’t believe you keep on falling for it!!!!

Ok, it’s seriously not funny at all anymore, not that it was to begin with. The average age is about 60 (I bet you a million dollars that you thought I was going to say 94)

The Foreman is about 65, one of the packers has been there for 45 years and is at least 66.
The guy in charge of all the UPS shipments is also around 62. The other two guys working there are in there mid forties and are young enough and capable of doing more but they seem to be working at the same pace as the old guys. (BOV don’t do the math, I know the average is not 60)

I kind of think my boss is just waiting for them to retire, I’m not that patient. I was hired to improve the overall productivity in the plat and my first assignment is the shipping department. How am I supposed to accomplish this with all these old guys?
If I suggest they should be forced to retire I’ll come out looking like an ahole.
To make things more complicated all three of these guys happen to be black, so not only will I come off looking like an ahole but also like a racist, so I’ll be a racist ahole. I can see that on my business cards, Dan Cordova, racist ahole.
I need some help here people, how should I approach this one?
Did any of you see the Danica Patrick accident? Funny stuff, everyone knows women can’t drive. Just kidding.
By the way, I’m posting comments and posts later then usual because I’m still trying to impress my new company, I’m not comfortable enough to blog at work yet.

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Oh, my eyes

So, I’m happy to report that only the “huevo” test was done and that I’m still a butt virgin, hope I never go to prison. The new job has been good so far, with my 11 years experience in this field I’m going to make an immediate impact. A lot of the staff is a little on the old side and have no computer skills what so ever, I would put myself in that category also but compared to these guys I’m fricken Bill Gates and Steve Jobs rolled into one. I still haven’t been formally introduced yet, turns out we have a meeting every Thursday so I’ll be introduced then.
I have my own locker/toilet/shower room which is great, actually I have to share this room with 2 of the formen. I’m glad I don’t have to use the same bathrooms as the workers, there’re three toilets in the room. I was given a key to this room today and when it was time to have a bowl movement (I will no longer use the term “make stinky” or “run the chocolate factory” because I guess some of you (The Wife and Nancy) find it gross) I sat on the toilet and noticed there was a magazine rack next to me. I grabbed a magazine and was surprised to see that it was nothing but hard core porn. I grabbed the next one and the next one and they were all porn. I was so surprised. I even forgot what I originally entered the room for, I got up and moved to the next stall and again porn on top of porn, I checked the next stall and found the same literature there to.
No, I did not go to the bathroom more then my usual 46 times during my work day.

My new hours will be 7-4:30, I have never started a job so late. For the first nine years at the other leather place I started at 5am then at 6am, at the bone place I started at 5:30 and for a few months when we were really busy I started at 4:30am. I got up today at 5:30 this is actually late for me. The wife and I decided to start working out in the morning before going to work, she also starts at 7am.
I hope I can stick with it, I’ve got about 15 lbs. of fat on my gut that I haven’t been able to lose. I’m going to order some diet pills from Canada.

Sunday, May 4, 2008

I'm affraid

So today is my last day of vacation, I start my new job tomorrow. The Wife asked me a little while ago if I was nervous and I told her no. Truth is that I am a little nervous, not because I’m nervous about meeting new people or the whole trying to fit in thing, I’m not starting this job expecting to make any friends. The owner said I had the authority to kick ass and take names, I’d like to think I was hired to kick ass and chew gum.
The current work force stands around 140 people, contrary to the bone company the work force is mostly male. I assume the owner is going to formally introduce me tomorrow, I have my speech all worked out already, would you like to hear it? Here it goes:

“I’m very happy to be here, to be a part of the team and I look forward to working with all of you”

I like to keep things short and sweet.

This is not the reason I’m nervous though, the thought of standing in front of a bunch of people I don’t know and giving them my speech does not scare me.
What scares me is the freaken physical I’ll be taking tomorrow.
When I was hired I was told that I had to go take a physical and drug test, I was told they would call me last week to go take it but they never did. So I assume that I’ll be taking this physical on Monday. I’m hoping and prying that all I’ll have to do is pee in a cup.
I hope the doctor doesn’t ask me to get naked, I hate getting naked for doctors!!!!!
I've been blessed so far with great health but I have had one pervert doctor play with my “huevos” before and making me cough. What the fuck is up with that? Freaken Perv!!!
The thought of this make me want to throw up, what if the Dr. wants to check my ass too?
I’m only 31, far to young to be submitted to the ass test but since I’ll be standing there all exposed already I wouldn’t put it past the Dr. to want to take a closer look at my stink hole.

I wish I had thought about this before I accepted the position, if I had I would have negotiated higher pay.

Friday, May 2, 2008

The moment you've all been waiting for.

So, the moment you’ve all been waiting for is here. I give you “The Pergola”