Monday, April 28, 2008

Rain, Rain go away, come back next week !!!

So I’m off this week. I’m taking a week off before I start my new job. Seems like I picked the worst week weather wise to take off. There's nothing but rain in the forecast, I have Sox tickets (baseball) for today but its raining and cold, it’s like 45 degrees.
I had planned to build the Pergola his week but now I my not be able to, sorry guys I know how much you're all dying to see it.
Maybe this would be a good time to finish writing my movie, it’s about a bunch of people who start killing a bunch of people, lots of violence and guns.
This reminds me that last week I went with by brother to go shoot me a gun. I’d never shoot one before, my brother owns two of them so we went to go shoot. It was pretty fun, kind of like throwing darts but with bullets. I had pictures to post but I’m too stupid to figure out how to do it, my computer knowledge is limited.
In Illinois you need to register to get a gun, you fill out an application, wait a couple of weeks for the back ground check and you’re done. Seems too easy, you have to do allot more then that to get a drivers license. I think we need to come up with a test before giving someone a gun. I know there are allot of responsible gun owner around but I’m sure there’s allot of dumb asses that own guns too.
Most crime in the US is committed with illegally obtained guns, so maybe it doesn’t matter. Criminals will get a hold of them one way or another, I wonder what the percentage of murders were committed with registered legal guns.
My brother was allot better then me at target practice, most of his shots were on the chest or head. Most of my shots didn’t even make a hole on the target thing….. that’s because I was aiming for the dudes legs. Had it been a full figured target thing all my holes would have been on the knees and the nuts.

Friday, April 25, 2008

Last Day

So today is my last day at the dog bone place, on the way here I was trying to come up with a list of things that I’m going to miss about this place and it was quite difficult so I decided to make a list of the things that I will not miss.

The smell, it smells like cow, dog and monkey ass all at once. During the summer some of the material starts to spoil and we have to put lime on it to get rid of the smell and to prevent it from spoiling.

My bosses wife, enough said! You all know exactly how I feel about her. Can you believe that just a month ago she told one of the workers that I was irresponsible because last year during the summer I came in about 5 minutes late. I had a few people starting at 4am in the morning to set things up for everyone else who were starting at 5am ( this is when we were really busy ) In 15 months that I worked here I never missed a single day, I came in to work with “man colds” and all. I was 5 min. late ONE time and I’m irresponsible!!!!!?????
I seem to remember when I was hired that my starting time was 6am so I was actually
1 hr 55 min early you fucken piece of shit bitch hoe !!!!!!!!
The bitches mother (her mom works here) also has a set of keys but that day she conveniently forgot her keys, what a bunch of crap. The old lady didn’t open the door just so she could tell her daughter that I was late, she wanted to make me look bad.

The drive, I currently drive 30 miles each way thru the very heart of downtown Chicago. My next job is only 8 miles from my house, I won’t even have to get on the highway.
I’m going to save a crap load on gas (petrol for all my British reader) Maxine’s got like 25,000 miles on her already.

The hours, I put in way too many hours. I had to work a few Saturday’s and even some Sunday’s.

The heat, the dog bones dry in ovens so I have to often go in the ovens to check how they’re coming out and if they’re dry. I think that’s part of the reason I’m losing my hair.
Sergio where the hell is my Mexican shampoo????????

I actually did come up with something I’ll miss, the “Chick Fights” about 80% of the workforce was female and we had a couple of chick fights, I love chick fights!

I’m kind of pissed off because Jessica Alba lost her title of Sexiest Woman Alive to Megan Fox, I guess once Jessica recovers from her Fetal Disease and loses those Fetus pounds she’ll be back on top. Megan Fox is definitely worthy of holding the title till then.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Kia problems

So, I got a call yesterday from the girl that bought the wife’s old car, the Kia.
She claims that she drove it for fifteen minutes and that the check engine light, oil and battery light all came on and she was not longer able to drive the car. This girl is 18 years old, she looked about 16. First thought was she must be retarded. We just spent $450 dlls fixing all that was wrong with it, I told her the best I could do was to give her the receipt of the work done, she can then take it back to the same shop and ask them to look at it. Maybe they didn’t install something right. I then called the shop owner and explained what was happening, he said he would take a look at the car and if it was something they missed or a defective part he would fix it.
A few minutes later I get a call from her mother saying stuff like.
I once sold a car with a blown engine for $200 dlls, I told the buyer all the problems that the car had. My daughter is just a kid that saved all her money to buy the car and now it doesn’t work, why would you do that to a kid?
She should have never bought the car behind my back!!
I knew the car was worthless and sold it to her for a good price, I didn’t give a shit about her daughter breaking her piggy bank, stupid kid. She just learned a valuable lesson. I’m kidding, I’m kidding!!!
Turns out the girl did this behind the mothers back, when she picked up the car she was with her father. I told the lady that if she’s 18 she can for sure own a car.
Yea, but she didn’t even give you her right name, she used mine and signed mine. Her father doesn’t live with us anymore, hasn’t for years.
You certainly can not hold me responsible for that, she was with her father. Be mad at him not me. I spoke to the shop owner, take the car in and he’ll look at it for you.

I’m having these phone conversations while at the Vet. I had to take my dog Nikki in because some stupid big dog tried to eat her. Nikki is about 10 lbs. the other dog was a huge Saint Benard. The wife was pissed off because I stepped outside when I should have stayed with her and Nikki who was bleeding and needed to be held down so that the Vet could tend to the wound. The Wife was all scratched up.
The Wife and I agreed that if they take the Kia in and it turns out the mechanics missed something and fix it we would give them their money back if they want it. I would never screw (financially) an 18 year old girl.

I finally got a call from my new possible employer, he wants me to come in on Friday to hear his offer. YES !!!!!!

Monday, April 21, 2008


So the wife and I got Patrick over the weekend. Last Wednesday The Wife called and told me the KIA was shaking and that she didn’t think she would make it home. I told her to get off the highway and wait for me to get to her. I drove the Kia to the mechanic and somewhere in the middle of dinner we decided it was time to get Patrick.
I’m still pissed at the fact that Patrick and Maxine are going to have car sex but oh well, it was time.
I hate car sales people, we picked out the car she wanted but they didn’t have it in the color The Wife wanted so they had to bring one in from some storage location. The next day we went to pick it up, when they took us to see him we were surprised to see it was the wrong color !!!
So the manager is trying to get us to buy the wrong color car for a little discount.
“If I save you a little money would you become color blind?” he asked.
The Wife has been driving the same car for over ten years, she was having none of it. She knew exactly what she wanted. Unfortunately the color she wanted was no where to be found, no cars in that color were available in the entire Midwest. They finally found one that was being shipped to New Jersey, the manager had to make a deal with the New Jersey manager. The Chicago guy had to give up two trucks that were coming to him in order to get Patrick, it's funny how the manager acted like he was doing us a big favor.
I told The Wife he did what he had to do to make a sale.
They let us borrow the wrong color car until Patrick arrived.
We were calling the wrong color car “Fake Patrick”
I didn’t park fake Patrick in the garage because I don’t want Maxine to turn into a slut. Fake Patrick first then the real Patrick….I don’t think so.
Just in case you were wondering, no, I haven’t gotten a call from my new possible employer and at the end of the month I’ll be jobless.
No worries though, the new boss gave me his word and that’s good enough for me.
If he doesn’t call me this week then I’ll go into panic mode.
After getting the Kia fixed for a mere $450 dlls we sold her the next day,
Craig’s list is awesome.
I saw a girl get shit on by a flying bird over the weekend, that was pretty funny.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

A family divided

So, It’s been Bee’s tradition over the last few years to host a Halloween Party. Last year I hosted it (check Bee’s post from last year to see me wearing my Mariachi suit) yesterday I decided to take Bee’s Halloween party away from her. It will be at my house from now until forever.
See, my birthday is Oct. 28 so it makes more sense for me to host it, I haven’t told Bee yet, I wonder if she’ll get mad. What if she gets mad and decides to host one anyway and tears apart the family. Sister Nancy would go to hers, Sergio would come to mine, my Mom, Natalia and Sofia would come to mine, Rick…hummm not sure.
Of course you’re all invited; you have plenty of notice.
I’m sure Brian, Tracy and Jean would come to mine.
Give it up Bee, you lost! Join me! Lets join our evil forces, together we could throw one hell of a party! (the wife doesn’t want me to use the word HELL anymore, she wants me to say H-E double hockey sticks)

The wife only likes to watch chick movies and little kid movies, I usually don’t mind but seems like lately that’s all I’ve been watching, I’ve had enough for a while. I like twisted, bloody movies that are full of violence and some nudity. It doesn’t have to be soft porn but I do appreciate a boob shoot here and there.
Over the weekend she was trying to get me to watch “The last Mimzy”
I told her:
“ NO, that sounds like a little kid movie”
No its not
Well, is the main character a little kid?
No, it’s a stuffed animal.
I rest my case.

After the Pope was done with his speech yesterday President Bush (who I voted for, sorry for that) told the Pope “Thank your Holiness, awesome speech”
Awesome speech?????????

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

I QUIT !!!!!!!

So I quit my job yesterday. No I don’t have a new one yet but I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE !
I called my possible new employer on Friday and he said “we are moving forward with you but we’re still working out the numbers” That was good enough for me. I don’t even need to hear the offer yet, no matter what it is I would take it.
I don’t think they would low ball me because I told them what I needed to make in order to join them.
Was it a mistake? Should I have waited a few more days?
I don’t want to work past this month, next month we'll be in the new location and I want nothing to do with that. Since there’s only two weeks left to this month I gave him notice. I decided not to trash his wife or offer to kick her in the nuts, no point. Why end it bad. Last week was the straw that broke the camels back. We were getting a large dumpster delivered for our garbage, I had everything planned, I knew exactly where I wanted to put it to make it easy for us to load. The bitch of course called her husband and told him she didn’t think I should put it there, my boss then called me and told me to move it. If I can’t decide where to put a fucken garbage can I have no business being here. Later that day it began to rain and the workers had to load it in the rain, had I been able to put the dumpster where I wanted it no one would have gotten wet.

The Pope is coming to the USA, a couple of months ago the wife have me a book for monthaversary. It’s about the most important things that happened over the last 1,000 years. So if I want to know what happened in the year 1,520 I look at my book.
I started reading it in order, I didn’t realize that all the old Popes were real ass holes.
They killed a bunch of people and were so power hungry it just blew my mind.
They were like the kings of the world.
I wonder if the Pope still uses the Popemobil?

Friday, April 11, 2008

My time has come!!! Wife please do not read this post

So, as you all might know by now my brother in law Andy was invited to a bachelor party and over the course of the weeks leading up to the party I was unsuccessfully trying to get myself invited. As the word unsuccessfully indicated I was not successful.
I was a little sad, then mad then a little sadder then madder, eventually I got over my sadness and madness and continued to live my life. I can’t let something like this ruin the rest of my days on earth!
But there was hope on the horizon, light at the end of the tunnel. I started to hear words like “engagement ring, proposal, hand in marriage, backpacking and Rome” my little ears got pointier and pointier trying to listen in, looks like my time has come!
Turns out that someone in my circle just got engaged on a backpacking trip to Rome!
I’m so happy for myself! I will not doubt be invited to this bachelor party!
Feel free to congratulate me now, I knew the tied would change if I just be patient.
I’m so happy, oh so happy….
I am a little concerned though because I’m not sure yet if the bachelor is the bachelor party type, I will make it my mission over the next couple of months to guide him in the right direction, after all I am a little older then he is, not necessarily wiser but a little more experienced in the whole marriage thing.
I’ll give vast advise on the marriage thing and sneak in bachelor party comments. Here is an example:

So, in order to get out of doing the dishes make sure you do a crappy job. Leave a couple of pieces of rice and a bean stuck to the plates not to much cause she’ll know you’re faking, one bean is enough. Break one of her favorite plates if you have too. What nationality would you like the strippers to be? Then when you’re done don’t dry off all the water, leave some soap residue on the cups.

Pretend like you have no idea where anything is. If she tells you to sweep tell her she needs to stop hiding the broom. Use the broom to sweep outside then bring it inside to sweep the floors, how does a trip to Vegas sound? Women seem to keep the brooms separate, they use one for the outside and one for the inside. After you ruin a few brooms and get the floors full of mud you should be good.

Summer is coming so tell her it’s your job to maintain the outside of the house and hers to maintain the inside. What better then to cut a little grass then pull out an old rabbit eared antenna TV and watch a baseball game with a beer in your hand, would you like me to make all the party arrangements?

Make sure you establish a weekly allowance, seems like a bad idea at first but its actually a good one. Are you into midget strippers? Try to calculate all the money you’ll need for things she would not want you to buy like…uh, porn and add another 20 bucks to that just in case. Make sure to find a good spot for your porn, every married man has a super secret hiding place. I would recommend a fake section of wall that you can remove, or under something really heavy that doesn’t get moved by her.

Enough of examples for now, I should charge for marital advise.
I’m so happy, oh so happy.
I’m also happy for the newly engaged couple for finding true love and all that other stuff too.
Wife, when is our next dinner or movie night with them?
How about Saturday?
I know I told you not to read but I know you did. I meant nothing of what you just read, must be those Canadian drugs kicking in.

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Right or Left !!!!

So, I went over to the Brits blog and he’s talking about being directionally challenged when it comes to driving. I suffer from the same illness. I wonder if there’s a drug for it, if not they should invent one.
Before the Wife and I started dating I used to be able to get around everywhere without a problem. I’d look get or lookup directions and be where I needed to be, of course every now and then I’d have to double back on the road because I was going the wrong way,
no big deal.
Once we started to go out she made me realize how bad I was at this, or so she thinks.
Every turn I made was always questioned.
Why did you turn on Oak Park? You should have turned on Oketo? Oak Park does this curvy thing that takes you further east.
For years I’ve been turning on Oak Park because I believed it was the best way to get home. Sure I might save an extra 30 seconds of my life but what do they say about the road less traveled (what do they say? I can’t remember)
Soon it got kind of ridiculous, after a movie on the way home she would actually ask me “where are you going”
Uhhh, home.
Home? You should have made a left on River Road instead of taking North Ave. all the way to Harlem.
What?!! What the hell is the difference? Both ways get us home. One bock away from my house she would be telling me to turn right on Schubert (I live on Schubert Ave.) most times she doesn’t talk, she just points her thumb in the wanted direction, like a hitchhiker.
It got so bad that in order to avoid any further arguments I just let her do all the directing.
Anywhere we go I tell her to just tell me “Left, Right or Straight”
Sometimes she’ll say “turn south or north” I’ll be like, uhhh?
Just tell me left or right!
The other day we drove 40 miles to pick up a $3 stool she bought form someone on Craig’s list, we ended up getting lost and I got blamed for it. I’m turning where you tell me to turn so YOU got lost not me. My job is to drive, I’m like your steering wheel, if I get lost when driving alone would it be fair to blame Maxine?
Sometimes she wont say anything even though she knows we’re going the wrong way, when I ask her why she didn’t say anything she says “I knew we were going wrong but you get mad if I tell you”
Uuhhh? I wonder just how far she would let me go? The Canadian or Mexican boarder?
First time I brought her to work she couldn’t believe I was able to find the place. She was so proud of me it was insulting.
Did you leave 5 hrs before the interview?

Monday, April 7, 2008

What Miracle ?

So, this pregnant man story is really starting to piss me off. I know every birth is a miracle of its own, every sunrise bla, bla , bla
On the news they said “First man ever is pregnant” Oprah said the same thing leading up to him being on the show. Now I understand it’s better to say Pregnant Man because of the shock value. You say this and people will stay on the channel and watch the show to see what the hell is going on, I was one of those who clicked on the Yahoo homepage thinking? Oh SHIT! The human race is over! Because if I were God this, along with cloning are things that would make me flood the earth again.
Once I saw the story and realized that it was a woman who a few years ago cut off her boobs and started taking testosterone in order to grow a beard and thicken her voice I said to myself “What’s the big deal, its still a woman”
That’s going to be one fucked up kid!
What pisses me off is not the fact that she’s pregnant, what do I care? She has the right to have a baby just like anyone else. What pisses me off is all the idiots they showed on TV saying things like:
I can’t believe it, it’s a miracle!
I won’t believe it until I see an ultrasound.

Sure enough they show her having an ultrasound just to convince everyone that she’s knocked up. So a chick with a beard is having a baby, big deal.
By the way if that’s a man, it’s the gayest man I’ve ever seen in my life.
Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Friday, April 4, 2008

The Interview

So, I had my second interview with my possible new employer. It lasted 3 hours!!!
That has to be a record for interviews, I meet with the owner the first time, this time I met with the second in command but after about an hour the owner came in and that was another hour, then they got this other guy involved and that was another hour.
I’m like 99.9 % sure I’ll get an offer by next week, I’m almost hoping the bitch pisses me off today.
Not sure if I mentioned before how much I hate my bosses wife but incase I haven’t now you know.
Not sure if I mentioned that my bosses mother in law also works here and acts as a spy for the bitch.
In the latest drama the Grandma (that’s what I call the bitches mom, she’s 65) told everybody in the new location that they’re no longer going to take a break at 1pm.
We currently have a break at 8:30am and 1:00pm, it’s by law in the state of Illinois that in an 8 hour shift you have to give two ten minute breaks and a 1/2 hour lunch.
Everybody over there called me all pissed off and told me what was happening. I told the owner about it and asked him to fix it because I’ve been down that road before and somehow it always blows up in my face.
He later called me and said “I don’t know where you’re getting your information, Grandma says she never tried to take away the 1pm break”
Grandma of course is a liar.
I expect the bitch to come in today all pissed off because of this.
I can’t wait!
Should I leave?
Should I just take it with a smile?
I guess it would be foolish of me to walk away without having a real offer yet.

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Fighting the Jean's...or is it Genes or neither

So, you’re about to read my new post. I try to do at least 3 posts a week. One on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. I think I only did two last week so does that mean I need to do four this week?
Ok, so are you ready to start reading my new post? Here it goes.
I started taking Propecia about a month ago, at the rate I’m going I’ll lose all my hair by the time I’m 35. I know I’ll still look hawt if I were bald but that just doesn’t seem very appealing to me. Propecia is not covered by insurance so I had to pay like 75 bucks for a month supply, the generic Canadian version is 30 bucks for a 3 month supply. Sounds like a great deal but I’m a little worried about buying drugs online. What if instead of Propecia they send me sugar pills, I’ll be fat, bald and most likely depressed. Then I’ll have to take anti-depression pills that will be too expensive so I’ll get the online Canadian version but instead of depression pills they’ll send me Viagra or something, so now I’ll have all these mixed emotions depressed with a boner so I guess a little happy but fatter and still bald. What the Fuck! I’m getting depressed just thinking about it.
Propecia has to be taken once a day for the rest of my life, I usually take it just before bed time (I wonder if this is contributing to all the weird dreams I’ve been having) last night I accedently dropped one into the toilet. I was thinking five second rule, what if I pick it up and wash it a little then take it? It has a protective coating.
Another thing I find interesting is that it says on the bottle that woman who are pregnant should never handle it. What would happen if they did? Hairy baby? Wolf baby?
Would the kid be born with a mullet?
Somewhere down the line I think I’m getting a hair transplant, maybe when I’m in my forties and going thru a mid life crisis.
Like most drugs it also says that it can affect your sex drive, so since I decided to take it am I choosing hair over sex? I THINK NOT!
Most drugs say that to avoid law suits….I hope. I wonder what would happen if I lose my sex drive and then buy Viagra but instead they send me anti-depression pills?
I’ll have hair, be happy but sad cause I can’t get a boner.
This drug think is giving me a headache, seems a lot easier to just go bald.
But what if once I’m bald I get depressed? What if I order anti-depression pills and the send me Propecia. That’s it!!!! That’s the solution!!!!
I’ll order anti depression pills and they’ll send me Propecia, so I’ll have hair and be happy…….but what if they don’t send me Propecia and send me Viagra???????
Bald is beautiful

( I had to spell beautiful like six times before word had any clue what the hell I was trying to write, that’s sad, I'm depressed, I should order some anti depression pills online from Canada) But what if they send me……………………………………..