Friday, April 11, 2008

My time has come!!! Wife please do not read this post

So, as you all might know by now my brother in law Andy was invited to a bachelor party and over the course of the weeks leading up to the party I was unsuccessfully trying to get myself invited. As the word unsuccessfully indicated I was not successful.
I was a little sad, then mad then a little sadder then madder, eventually I got over my sadness and madness and continued to live my life. I can’t let something like this ruin the rest of my days on earth!
But there was hope on the horizon, light at the end of the tunnel. I started to hear words like “engagement ring, proposal, hand in marriage, backpacking and Rome” my little ears got pointier and pointier trying to listen in, looks like my time has come!
Turns out that someone in my circle just got engaged on a backpacking trip to Rome!
I’m so happy for myself! I will not doubt be invited to this bachelor party!
Feel free to congratulate me now, I knew the tied would change if I just be patient.
ANDY YOU ARE NOT INVITED!!!!!
I’m so happy, oh so happy….
I am a little concerned though because I’m not sure yet if the bachelor is the bachelor party type, I will make it my mission over the next couple of months to guide him in the right direction, after all I am a little older then he is, not necessarily wiser but a little more experienced in the whole marriage thing.
I’ll give vast advise on the marriage thing and sneak in bachelor party comments. Here is an example:

So, in order to get out of doing the dishes make sure you do a crappy job. Leave a couple of pieces of rice and a bean stuck to the plates not to much cause she’ll know you’re faking, one bean is enough. Break one of her favorite plates if you have too. What nationality would you like the strippers to be? Then when you’re done don’t dry off all the water, leave some soap residue on the cups.

Pretend like you have no idea where anything is. If she tells you to sweep tell her she needs to stop hiding the broom. Use the broom to sweep outside then bring it inside to sweep the floors, how does a trip to Vegas sound? Women seem to keep the brooms separate, they use one for the outside and one for the inside. After you ruin a few brooms and get the floors full of mud you should be good.

Summer is coming so tell her it’s your job to maintain the outside of the house and hers to maintain the inside. What better then to cut a little grass then pull out an old rabbit eared antenna TV and watch a baseball game with a beer in your hand, would you like me to make all the party arrangements?

Make sure you establish a weekly allowance, seems like a bad idea at first but its actually a good one. Are you into midget strippers? Try to calculate all the money you’ll need for things she would not want you to buy like…uh, porn and add another 20 bucks to that just in case. Make sure to find a good spot for your porn, every married man has a super secret hiding place. I would recommend a fake section of wall that you can remove, or under something really heavy that doesn’t get moved by her.

Enough of examples for now, I should charge for marital advise.
I’m so happy, oh so happy.
I’m also happy for the newly engaged couple for finding true love and all that other stuff too.
Wife, when is our next dinner or movie night with them?
How about Saturday?
I know I told you not to read but I know you did. I meant nothing of what you just read, must be those Canadian drugs kicking in.

14 comments:

Bee said...

FIRST!!

Bee said...

Dan, you can no longer play marbles with my Andy. You've obviously lost yours!

Brian o Vretanos said...

I've obviously led a sheltered life - Midget Strippers???

Marie said...

I keep my secert stash with my feminine stuff.

Oh, I guess I'll have to move it now. LOL

The Wife

Jean Knee said...

I went to a Pampered chef party last night. Wasn't as much fun as a bachelor party, but almost

Bee said...

Does that subliminal messaging work with dogs??
I'm trying to get Mocha to stop being such a barky bitch!

Tracy said...

The question I have is this: Dan, are YOU into midget strippers?

Secondly, are you sure that EVERY man has a porn stash because in almost ten years of marriage, I haven't found even an inkling and I have to say, if I do find something, I might be mad at him for not sharing. Some girls like porn too you know?

Dan said...

Brian
Midget Strippers are freaky cool !!
You wouldn't bealive what they do for a buck.

Marie
If you saw the contents of my secret stash you would run to the hills. I told you not to read.

Jean Knee
Have you been to one ???

Bee
Not sure but you should try it. say somthing like Mocha do you want to go play in the yard (stop being such a barky bitch)with Tazz?

Tracy
Heck yeah I am. I bet you any money that your busband has a secret porn stash.

Marie said...

Now I'm on a mission this weekend to find the secret stash!

Marie said...

Now I'm on a mission this weekend to find the secret stash!

Dan said...

you will never find it!!!!
Just talked to my new employer and he said.

We are moving forward but are still working out the numbers, I'll call you next week !!!!!!

Good bye to the beeyotch !!!!!

Bee said...

FINGERS CORSSED BROTHER!!

Did you get my text?

Bee said...

uh... cRossed!

Nancy27 said...

I bet there's some guys that don't have a stash...