So, as you all might know by now my brother in law Andy was invited to a bachelor party and over the course of the weeks leading up to the party I was unsuccessfully trying to get myself invited. As the word unsuccessfully indicated I was not successful.
I was a little sad, then mad then a little sadder then madder, eventually I got over my sadness and madness and continued to live my life. I can’t let something like this ruin the rest of my days on earth!
But there was hope on the horizon, light at the end of the tunnel. I started to hear words like “engagement ring, proposal, hand in marriage, backpacking and Rome” my little ears got pointier and pointier trying to listen in, looks like my time has come!
Turns out that someone in my circle just got engaged on a backpacking trip to Rome!
I’m so happy for myself! I will not doubt be invited to this bachelor party!
Feel free to congratulate me now, I knew the tied would change if I just be patient.
ANDY YOU ARE NOT INVITED!!!!!
I’m so happy, oh so happy….
I am a little concerned though because I’m not sure yet if the bachelor is the bachelor party type, I will make it my mission over the next couple of months to guide him in the right direction, after all I am a little older then he is, not necessarily wiser but a little more experienced in the whole marriage thing.
I’ll give vast advise on the marriage thing and sneak in bachelor party comments. Here is an example:
So, in order to get out of doing the dishes make sure you do a crappy job. Leave a couple of pieces of rice and a bean stuck to the plates not to much cause she’ll know you’re faking, one bean is enough. Break one of her favorite plates if you have too. What nationality would you like the strippers to be? Then when you’re done don’t dry off all the water, leave some soap residue on the cups.
Pretend like you have no idea where anything is. If she tells you to sweep tell her she needs to stop hiding the broom. Use the broom to sweep outside then bring it inside to sweep the floors, how does a trip to Vegas sound? Women seem to keep the brooms separate, they use one for the outside and one for the inside. After you ruin a few brooms and get the floors full of mud you should be good.
Summer is coming so tell her it’s your job to maintain the outside of the house and hers to maintain the inside. What better then to cut a little grass then pull out an old rabbit eared antenna TV and watch a baseball game with a beer in your hand, would you like me to make all the party arrangements?
Make sure you establish a weekly allowance, seems like a bad idea at first but its actually a good one. Are you into midget strippers? Try to calculate all the money you’ll need for things she would not want you to buy like…uh, porn and add another 20 bucks to that just in case. Make sure to find a good spot for your porn, every married man has a super secret hiding place. I would recommend a fake section of wall that you can remove, or under something really heavy that doesn’t get moved by her.
Enough of examples for now, I should charge for marital advise.
I’m so happy, oh so happy.
I’m also happy for the newly engaged couple for finding true love and all that other stuff too.
Wife, when is our next dinner or movie night with them?
How about Saturday?
I know I told you not to read but I know you did. I meant nothing of what you just read, must be those Canadian drugs kicking in.