Saturday, June 6, 2009

Wacky Kung Fu

So, I’ve always wondered what I would do in life to be remembered long after I’m dead.

What would be my legacy? I’ve tried writing a movie before but I haven’t finished it. I could invent something and name it after me, but what? The guy who invented the Hymlick Maneuver has saved thousands of lives, I want to be like that guy.

The Dan Maneuver has a nice ring to it, yesterday I heard how the Kung Fu guy dyed and a great sadness came over me, here is a poor old guy just trying to have a little fun and Boom he’s dead, the same thing happened to the Depech Mode guy. That’s when it hit me, I could invent some kind of comptraction to make the practice of self auto asphyxiationwacking not only an enjoyable experience but a safe one to. That can be my legacy, I could save thousands and thousands of lives and make thousands and thousands of dollars. I’m spending all weekend working on my design, once I have the rough design I’m going to my local Home Depo and building this puppy.

Of course I’ll have to take it out for a test drive before I put it on the market, I hope I do a good job with the design cause if I don’t it could get ugly.

The name of my machine will be “Dan’s safe autoasphyxiationwacking comptraction”.

I’m going to buy ad space on every news paper and maybe you’ll see me at 2am in the morning doing some kind of infomercial on TV. I’m so excited!

Brian, since you’re my longest male reader I’m gonna give one to you for free!

Aren’t you just jumping for joy! Please send me money for the postage

Thursday, May 7, 2009

My blood

So, I went to see the Doctor the other day. I have this rash thing on my right arm. I have no idea what it is, it’s like little lumps. For some reason I thought it would be a good idea to put wart medicine on the lumps. That turned out to be a bad idea since, first of all they were not warts and I seemed to have infected it since they started to spread. It started with five little lumps, once I got to around 13 I started thinking to myself that maybe I should go see a medicine man. So I did, the Doc gave me a steroid cream and told me that if they didn’t go away within two weeks he would send me to a dermatologist. He also said that since I was there I should get some blood work done because at my age I should have blood tests done at least once every two years. I wasn’t crazy about the idea but I agreed.

Two days later the nurse called me and said I needed to come back because they wanted to run additional tests…….it’s not a good sign when they call you for more blood, is it?

Anyway, they said something about sugar being high and they started asking questions about diabetes in the family (which I don’t think we have) and diet and asking if I eat healthy. What the hell do my arm lump things have to do with diabetes?

Walk in with a couple of warts, walk out with diabetes? Biiiitttttcccchhhhh pleeeease!

I love that SNL skit and the Geely one.

So I went back, they took more blood and ran more tests, all is good no diabetes for me! Over the last week I had been eating very healthy and I was also working out so now I can go back to sitting on my ass with a big bowl of Ice Cream, cookies and cream is my fave!

I’m also happy to report that the lumps are going down to. I wonder what would happen if I rub the cream on my bald spot?

Thursday, April 23, 2009

My Hairs

So, I went to get my hairs cut yesterday, I was way overdue for a hairs cut two months ago. I walked into the Hair Cuttery and was happy to see that there was no one in the lobby so I would be next. The timing was perfect because I had dropped The Wife at the Target, it takes the hair cutter about ten minutes to cut my hairs so I would be back to the Target parking lot before The Wife finished shopping.

Two ladies where on duty, I’m not picky with my hair cutter, whoever is available first gets to rub my head and cut my hairs. I’ve had my hairs cut by both of those ladies before and I do prefer one over the other but not enough to wait any longer then I have to. As I was sitting in the lobby a lady walks in with her daughter, I was glad to have walked in just before them since girls take waaaay longer to get their hairs cut then guys. I was happy that the lady I wanted finished first so I was next….. I was wrong.

The lady walks up to me and says “sorry but they where here first

What? No, I was here before them.

No, they came in before you then went shopping next door and came back.

What? What? What?

How’s that even allowed in real life, you can’t do that!

I’d love to walk into Tony’s (where we buy all our groceries, the line is always crazy) stand in line for two minutes then do all my shopping (The Wife does all the shopping) and cut in front of everybody to pay first. I should have told the hair cutter lady “so, I can go to Dunkin Doughnut have a Doughnut and coffee and still have my place? What the fuck hair cutter lady! I told her I had no time to wait and left. I’d been going there for

about four years, they just lost a customer, not that they’ll miss my 3 visits per year but I have to make a stand! You are dead to me Hair Cuttery!

24 hours later…………..

So, I went back to the Hair Cuttery today. I know I said they were dead to me but it’s so close to my house and I’m normally in and out in ten minutes. A man and his son were ahead of me. I wondered to myself if I walked up to the lady and told her that I had to be next since I was here yesterday but went home to sleep then to work, then home and now I was back if it would work for me. Today I had to wait no matter what since like I said before I’m way overdue. I look like Wolverine from the X Men movie, which I guess is cool. I saw someone cutting hair that I’d never seen there before, it was a man…a gay man. I don’t know why and I’m even ashamed to admit but I was really hoping not to get the gay man hair cutter roulette. I was rooting for the women to finish just in time to get my hairs done by one of them. In order to avoid the gay man roulette I needed one lady to finish then for him to finish next, I was so afraid that both women would finish first and take the father and son and leave me all to him. Is that bad? Does that make me a homophobe? I don’t think so but someone else might think I am. Is it wrong of me not to want the person cutting my hair to get a booner while doing it? I mean how could he not? I’m a dammed good looking man, I look like Wolverine.

The chips fell in the order I hoped they would and my hairs were cut by the lady that had turned me away the day before……and I was dammed happy with her now, I guess it was meant to be.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Bed War

So, The Wife is trying to take over my side of the bed. We had to switch sides the other night because she wasn’t feeling well and my side is closer to the bathroom (I have a feeling that one is going to get me in trouble) the next night when I came to bed my pillow and Pure Sleep mouth piece was on her side of the bed.

“I thought you weren’t sick anymore
I’m not
So why are you on my side of the bed?
I like this side better so I’m staking my claim.
You can’t stake your claim on something that’s already been claimed!
Yes, I can. I don’t see a flag anywhere.

I told her that since my side is closer to the door I’d be in a better position to protect her in case someone broke into our house.
That didn’t work so I then had to physically mover her to her side, it wasn’t that easy. The Wife is pretty strong for a chick.

I don’t understand how she can just switch sides, she has no loyalty to her side.
It’s not that easy for me to make a move like that, my side has molded to my body, when I slept on her side I felt like at the top of a hill about to roll down.
Why can’t we just leave things as they are, she moves the furniture and wall decorations around the house all the time, it drives me crazy!
I hate it when she rearranges the house, it takes me a few months to get used to the new look. I go to get a fork only to realize that the fork and spoon drawer is no longer the fork and spoon drawer and is now the small towel things that you put on the table to protect the wood from the hot plate drawer, what the hell do you call those plate coasters things anyway? And what’s wrong with the table getting a little hot? It’s not going to explode Wife!

I’m happy to report that I have defended my territory successfully.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

So, I want you all to look at this picture. Let’s say you’re driving home and you get to this corner.
Would you turn right on Red?
Would you stop even though there’s no “Do not turn on red sign” anywhere! and wait for everyone behind you to start honking their horn?
I have taken this route two or three times a week for the last 5 years, ever since Bee packed and took my Mom to live with her to a far away suburb.

Today I got some mail from the lovely people at the Photo Enforcement Department. I’m being targeted my THE MAN! I’m being falsely accused of running a red light, they want me to pay 100 bucks, but I’m not going down without a fight!
I’m going to kick The Man in the nuts!
How does The Man get away with putting a camera on every fucken corner! Big Brother is watching!
I’m going to start a movement to have these cameras removed! They first went up in bad neighborhoods with the excuse to fight crime but now there everywhere, big government is getting bigger and bigger.
I went back to the scene of the alleged crime and took pictures to prove my innocence; I also took the time to give the camera the finger.

Socialism here we come!

Saturday, April 11, 2009

I can drink!

So, Lent is officially over! I can finally drink alcohol!
What better way to have my first beer in about 50 days then to have it at a baseball game? I got tickets to the Sox game today so I’ll be stuffing my face with hotdogs and beer, I never did get around to making my “pee pants” that I posted about a while back. I wonder if the beer will go right threw me since my system is no longer accustom to it.
I hope not since I hate going to the bathroom during sporting events, why don’t they put TV’s in the bathrooms? I always miss out on good stuff when I have to go.
I step inside the bathroom just as the crowd starts to roar.
The weather should is nice today, it will be in the 50’s, I’m glad it’s not cold. Although 50’s might be cold for some spoiled people who are used to 80’s all the time.
I hope I don’t wake up with a hangover tomorrow.

This is my 100th post!

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

I hate people part 2

So, I went to my local Jewel yesterday with The Wife, it was raining, I decided to stay in the car while she did her shopping. I’m not afraid of getting wet or nothing, I was just lazy, we had just come from the gym. As I waited I played a couple of hands of poker on my phone, there I was minding my own business when I see a lady approaching, she was parked next to me. I’m the guy who parks at the end of an empty lot because I’m afraid someone is going to open their door all recklessly and hurt Maxine, yesterday I was all the way up front. I saw this lady (later in this post I will refer to this lady as a stupid bitch but for now I’m giving her the benefit of the doubt) approaching and I thought to myself “this lady is going to hit my car” sure enough she swings her door and hits mine. I honk the horn and get out of my car, she rolls the window down and give me this disgusted look, like I’m making such a big deal. I carefully examine my car and tell her in a normal voice “will you take it easy” I didn’t notice any damage so I wasn’t that mad. She then looks at me and tells me all pissed off “you gave a good day Sir” it wasn’t what she said but how she said it. She then drove off while staring me down. So his stupid bitch hits my car and I’m the bad guy?
I really hate people. She probably went home and told everyone in her family how she barley hit a car with her door and how the man in the parking made such a big deal about it.
People are so ignorant!
Would she be opening her door like that if she had a car worth more then 50 bucks? Probably not!

Monday, March 16, 2009

Sweet Crocodile Honey

So, this is how I sweetened my coffee today. I used the Crocodiles Hunter’s honey. This guy’s been dead for like 2 years now and they’re still selling stuff with his face on the front. That’s kind of cool actually; The Hunter lives on thru my coffee. I checked the expiration date on this because when I saw it I thought to myself it must be really old, but no, it expires at the end of this year.
Funny thing is that after I had my coffee I started talking like the Hunter. “Hey mate, have some of my honey mate” I used an English accent the whole day. Speaking of English, I was a little hesitant writing this post. I never realized the influence my written word has on Brian. My last post was about the “fille o fish” sandwich from McDonalds. This consumed his life, his every thought until he finally went out and bought the necessary items to make his own.
I’m worried now that after reading this Brian is going to put on his shorts and go wrestle a crocodile.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

28 days later... I mean to go.

So, other than what I have addressed on my previous post I have another reason to wish lent to be over soon. For those of you who don’t know, it’s tradition for Catholics to not eat meat on Friday’s during Lent , fish is ok to eat. Don’t ask me why that’s just the way it is, I have no idea why it’s okay to eat a poor fish but not a delicious cow or pig.
Every year the smart people at McDonald’s bring back their fish sandwiches. The sandwich is actually pretty good, I had one last week. The problem with the McDonald’s fish promotion is their commercial. Click below if you don’t know what I’m talking about.

Give me back my fillet o fish, give me that fish! The Wife has been singing this song for 2 weeks now and it’s driving me nuts. We went out to dinner today and as I’m pulling out the garage I could tell she was talking to me but I couldn’t make out what she was saying.
What? I asked her.
Oh nothing, I wasn’t talking to you.
What were you saying?
“Give me back my fille o fish, give me that fish”

She does a little hips don't lie Shakira dance every time the commercial comes on to.
Just last night I was at that point where you’re barley awake, just seconds away from falling into a deep sleep. I was woken up by her shaking her ass and singing “Give me back my fille o fish, give me that fish”

Boy I really need some Vodka!

p.s. I was a little disappointed in all of you, none of you had any suggestions on how to get “drunk” without getting drunk. I would have been happy with a Sniff glue comment.

-posted by bee cuz Dan is dork

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

30 days left !

So, you know all those recovering alcoholics that always tell you how many days they’ve been sober? Hello, my name is Boozer and I’m an alcoholic, I’ve been sober for 489 days.
Well I’ve been sober for 9 days now and it really sucks!
Lent is here again and this year I’ve given up all alcoholic beverages, I didn’t realize how much I like my booze until now. I don’t drink much, I hardly ever get drunk but I do like to get “buzzed” I’d say twice a week. I normally have a few on little Friday, little Friday is a tradition started by my SIL and her husband (by the way I wonder if they’re still alive, I haven’t heard from them in a while) little Friday is actually Thursday night, just an excuse to drink during the week. Then I have a few during the weekend, sometimes on Big Friday (big Friday is actually Friday night) or on Saturday, I don’t really drink on Sunday’s….actually I drink a little when the Bears lose to drown my sorrow….and I drink a little when they win to celebrate during football season……..and baseball for the Sox and basketball for the Bulls.
Sometimes I drink on Wednesday, Wednesday is the middle of the week, hump day. I drink a little to help me get by for the rest of the week. On certain occasions I drink on Monday, Monday is the start of the week and after being off for two days I get home kind of tired so I have a beer or six to relax. I also might have a glass or two of wine on Tuesday because it’s little hump day. I really don’t drink on any other days then what I’ve just mentioned, but I do miss the numbness of a good buzz. I’m thinking about picking up pot during lent, It’s been a really long time since I’ve had me some
Mary jew ana, last time I took a hit must have been 15 years ago.
Last year I gave up pizza, coke, ice cream, fries and didn’t lose a single pound. I replaced all the fatty stuff with other fatty stuff, I think I wrote a post about it called “Gut Boy”.
If you guys have any suggestions on how to get numb without breaking the law I’d love to hear them. I heard licking frogs will get you high but that’s gross, I wouldn’t even know where to find any frogs anyway. I saw a South Park episode where the kids where getting high letting a cat pee on them, again that’s gross, no pussy (cat) near my face.
Maybe I should join AA for 30 days, I could get one of those sponsor people. I wonder if they would actually show up if I called them while having a burger at my local Appelbees?
Sponsor dude, I just can’t resist it anymore I must have a Corona.

Send in your home remedies please, Lent is still young!

Saturday, March 7, 2009

Busy, busy , busy

So, like I said before, I’ve been really busy working on the rental untis, I’m glad to report that I’m finally done, today was my last day! I had to go this morning to put some fresh cock on the bath tub and to give my new tenant the keys. I hope she’s not a pain in the ass, I’ve been lucky so far to have good tenants (expect for the one lady that accused me of being a jail warden because I wouldn’t let her out of her contract “I’m going to die here and it will be your fault” she said, I wish I had a blog back then, you all would have loved her.) We are calling the new tenant “Crazy Lady” why am I renting the apartment to someone I have baptized “crazy lady” you ask? Well, I guess I can blame it on the economy, everyone that called to ask me about the place wanted me to throw in the heating bills, gas is way to expensive for me to do that. Crazy Lady has been approved for section 8, section 8 is a government program that pays for your rent. How sweet is that! Where do I sing up! The government is going to be sending me a check every month to cover her rent, although with the way things are right now I’m a little worried, the government doesn’t have a pot to piss in anymore. Section 8 sent out an inspector to check out the place before approving her, I failed the first inspection, they looked at everything! I had to tighten this, paint that, fix this, replace that. I was meant to be a slum lord, that apartment is nicer then my house now, no not really.
I’m done with my projects and that’s great, now I’m going to spend my weekends helping Bee recover from her flood damage I helped dig a big hole in her basement today. A man’s work is never done.

Sunday, February 15, 2009


So I’ve been busy lately and unable to spend much time posting, I have an empty apartment that needed some painting done so I’ve been busy with this all week.
What sucks now is that the empty bottom floor apartment is now occupied by the 2nd floor apartment people because they moved downstairs so now the 2nd floor is empty so I get to do it all over again next week. I’m at the point where I think I’m going to hire someone to paint for me, I need some cheep labor $5.99 an hour sound about right to me. I’ll even buy some tacos for lunch.

I did my taxes the other day and I think it’s time for another revolution! We started a war because we where being taxed on Tea, how did we let things get so bad?

Chris Brown slapped Rhianna around, he should be in jail! You hit a hot chick you should go straight to jail! No bail, no court date, nothing! You should go to jail!
Hot chicks are not to be mistreated!

My boss gave me tickets to a hockey game that I didn’t go to, should I lie when he asks me about the game or should I tell him the truth? I don’t want this to affect any possible tickets that might come my way.

The Mayor of Chicago has been on TV all week crying about how bad the economy is and hoping the Obama stimulus package is passed so he can get some money, the city has a huge deficit. Not one minute later there’s a story on how the Mayor is still trying to get the 2012 Olympics, the projected cost is about 8 Billion dlls...... Does that make any sense??????

I did my first post one year ago today!!!!

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Dan The Joker

So, I don’t have anything to say today but I’m trying to do at least 3 posts a week.

I need to come up with some kind of gimmick like Bee’s comic strip or Jean Knee’s Wordless Wednesday, or Tracy’s Dear Tracy.

I’m thinking about Dan’s Wednesday Joke. Let me know what you think of this one it’s one of my favorites, if you like it I might continue doing it.

Two sperms are swimming their asses off.

Are we there yet?


Are we there yet!


Are you sure we’re not lost?

Shut up already, I’ll tell you when we get to the egg!

Well why is it taking so long?

Will you shut up!

Well can you at least tell me where we are, we should have made it to the egg by now.

We’re barley entering the large intestine! Now SHUT UP !

JA JA JA JA ! This really cracks me up!

I decided not to do the joke thing since this is really the only one that I know.

I’m open for suggestions from The People…..unless you really want me to do the joke thing…..

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

picture day

So, I know it’s a little late but better late then never.
This is a picture of Nikki The Dog taking a shit. I was going to use this for my Healthy Ice Cream post but figured no one wanted to see Nikki The Dog taking a dump.
Was I right ??????????

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Dumbass Dan

So, I’m not sure if I mentioned before that The Wife got me an iPhone for Christmas.
It’s the greatest phone ever invented in the history of man kind. I’d post a picture of it but I haven’t figured out how to take a picture of my iPhone with my iPhone.
It has so many applications that can be downloaded, many of them are free, most of them are 99 cents.
I downloaded an IQ test, I’ve always wanted to have confirmation on how smart I am. I figured I’d land somewhere in the 140-150’s, Bill Gates has an IQ of 150, George Washington scored 118, The highest IQ for our presidents belongs to Thomas Jefferson who scored 138 which makes me wonder why Bill Gates isn’t the President? Guess the money isn’t good enough.

Anyway, this test was a lot harder then I thought it would be, you have to answer all the questions in 1 hour and you need a calculator, a dictionary, a thesaurus, pen and paper and the internet open to be able to answer some of the questions.
Here is an example:

Which number is the odd one out?


What two numbers should replace the question marks?

The name of which creature can be placed on the bottom row to complete seven three letter words?

* * * * * * *

JRM: ???

So turns out that I’m a real dumbass, I scored a whopping 75, that’s just two points better then Mike Tyson. I’m two points away from biting someone’s ear off!
In my defense I should mention that I finished the test in about ten minutes, when I realized this test would actually require some serious concentration I just wanted to finish quickly to get my score. Had I taken the time and had a pencil and paper along with a calculator I’m sure I would have scored in the 150’s. I was also watching TV so my score doesn’t count, I'm going to re-take the test to prove to all of you that I’m not a dumbass!

1 hr. 3 minuts and 58 seconds later…….

This whole thing is stupid! How can a stupid test with stupid questions measure someone’s intelligence? It might be able to measure your knowledge but not your intelligence!
How does knowing the meaning of “laconic” relevant to anything! Intelligence can not be measured with a stupid test, it’s what you do in real life that matters.
I figured out how to take a picture of my phone with my phone, here is proof of my smartness!

Monday, January 19, 2009

Healthy Ice Cream

So, Nikki the dog is really starting to piss me off. Every time I sit down to eat she sits there looking at me with her pathetic “give me some of your food” look. Eat your own food Nikki, your bowl is full. Let me enjoy my food, don’t just sit there looking like an Ethiopian staring at me, praying that I drop a piece of my steak. I know your food sucks and you’re probably sick of eating the same thing every day but that’s not my problem. It’s not my fault you’re a dog.

Now that I think about it…..I take it back, I do feel sorry for you Nikki the dog. I can’t imagine having to eat the same food everyday. Back when I was a kid my grandfather always had dogs, he never bought them dog food, his dogs always ate and still eat leftover scraps from everyone’s plates. Might not be so healthy but if someone came to me and said “you have two choice eat the same thing everyday and live to be 90…..or eat whatever you want and live to be 88”. I would choose to eat whatever I wanted, hands down!

However we must take the whole dog year equals seven human years thing into account. So if someone told me that if I ate the same thing everyday I would live to be 90…..or eat whatever I wanted and live to be 76 I would probably feel different.

Huuummmmm………nah, I would still feel the same, I would rather eat what I wanted and give up 14 years of my life. Anything can kill you so why sacrifice eating healthy? I could have the healthiest diet in the world and go out one day and die in a car crash so why bother?

I’m gonna go get some Ice Cream, and give some to Nikki the dog too.

Why can’t vegetables taste like Ice Cream?

That’s what the government should be spending money on, instead of space exploration and other stupid studies they should have scientists working on how to alter the taste of food while still preserving all the healthy stuff.

I wonder how many years I would live if I ate dog food that tasted like chicken and beef and flautas everyday.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

My New Post

So, what’s up People? Remember me? It’s Dan, The Peoples rarely Blogger. I just saw a comment that Tracy left for me, it says NEW POST NOW!!!! Esmeralda also commented that she needed a new post so this NEW post is for them.

It’s been 3 weeks since my last post. I can’t even remember the last thing I wrote about, I’m going to check real quick…………………….Oh yeah, I wrote about how much I hate strangers and how I helped a couple of people out during a snow storm but no one would help me.

I wrote “that strangers don’t give a shit about helping strangers unless I’m the stranger helping another stranger”….that was pretty funny of me, I crack myself up.

I also wrote about peeing in the ally, that was fun.

According to my last post having my car stuck in the snow really sucked, I was there for about an hour I shoveled around it, pushed, kicked the tires but nothing was working!

I’m now having flashbacks of me all wet and cold trying to get Maxine out, I hope I don’t get sick just thinking about it.

It’s snowed a couple of times since then and I think my tenants still hold me responsible for the snow, it’s not my fault they live in Chicago, I didn’t invent snow. It’s not my fault that the earth goes round and around and that our city happens to be kind of far away from the sun this time of year.

I just noticed that I left out “it” on my last post. I wrote “Why is that my tenants” I should have written “Why is IT that my tenants” I really need to better job proof reading.

I hope you all liked my new post.