Thursday, July 31, 2008

Tourists Beware

So, I was reading the other day about how Mexico is now ranked #1 among kidnappings.
Mexicans are kidnapping tourist for ransom, the greedy stupid ones will hold on to their victims and demand big bucks. The smart ones drive there victims to an ATM and make them withdraw 4 / 5 hundred bucks.
This really pisses me off!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why didn’t I think of that????!?!!!?!?!?!??!?!?
I could be worth millions (of Pesos) by now. Seems like an easy way to earn a buck.
Juarez seems like the perfect city for me to start my new business; I hear a lot of do goody college students like to go there to help the poor people of Mexico build houses.

Saturday, July 26, 2008

Horse Heaven......Horse Hell

So, I was flipping channels the other day and came across a story on “Real Sports with Brian Gumbel” it was about a horse named Storm Cat. Storm Cats father was Secreteriat a horse that won the triple crown, not sure exactly what that means but it sounds impressive. Well, Storm Cat’s race career wasn’t all that great so after he retired from racing his owners turned him into a male horse prostitute. The original stud fee was around $10,000.
A couple of years later Storm Cats kids were kicking all form of ass on the race track.
Because of this Storm Cats horse sperm was now in high demand, his fee reached the ridiculous amount of $ 500,000 per each successful pregnancy.
Storm Cats average day went as follows:
Wake up, get fed, run around a bit, have a morning sex session with a female horse, chill for a few hours and have an evening sex session with a different horse.
Things didn’t always go as planed, during an early sex session a female wasn’t in the mood (must have had a headache) and kicked him. Now these are million dollar horse balls that must be protected so what do the owners do?
They get another horse to have horse foreplay with the female to determine if she’s in the mood, so this poor bastard horse gets all excited and mounts the female. If she lets herself be mounted they take him down and bring in Storm Cat to have sex with her.

This is the worst case of animal cruelty I’ve EVER heard of.
Where the fuck are you PETA when you’re really needed !!!!!!

Please save this poor bastard horse from never ending blue balls.
They should at least have the sable boy finish the job every once in a while.
This is worse then anything Dante came up with.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Deep Thoughts

So, I was thinking today about nature. Seems like everything in nature has a reason, we need the sun to stay warm, water to make beer and later to make pee to fight off aliens, trees to cut down for wood, I think trees also clean the air or something, dirt to plant trees to cut down for wood, the moon (not sure what the hell the moon does but I’m sure it’s there for a reason, (I’m sure Brian will give me an explanation) air, animals and fish to eat etc, etc
The human body itself blows my mind, eyes to see, lungs to breathe, ears. I mean everything about it is amazing. We need food for energy and take what we need and crap what we don’t, our brain sends all these signals to our hands and feet to move around …’s crazy.

This got me thinking about the earth and oil, we have pumped millions and millions of barrels of oil out of the earth and I was thinking to myself “What if all that oil is there for a reason?” what if it acts like coolant in your car. What if that’s the real cause of global warming?

I was at Walgreens and saw that the “pregnant man” is having problems with his wife.
I find that very funny for some reason, if they get a divorce he will no doubt loose custody of his children since the mom always gets the kids.

Sunday, July 20, 2008

Pee and the 80's

So, I went to a Sox game (baseball) on Friday with my brother Serge . For some reason I feel really safe with him around, like I can talk shit to all the opposing teams fans and know that if there’s any trouble he’ll have my back.
It was 80’s night so a lot of the staff and a few fans were walking around wearing all the ridiculously stupid looking eighties gear. I also saw people wearing mullet hair cuts.
Thru out the night 80’s music was being played thru the speakers of the stadium, this is when I came to realize how much eighties music really sucks ass. Here are a few songs I heard, they also had a live band playing some of this crap.
The “Take on me song” Take on me, take me on, take me on wawaduaooooo Sucks!
“Walk like an Egyptian” Sucks! They played songs from The Cure that I don’t know by name, they all suck. Early Madonna, sucks. That “ Don’t you forget about me song” from that crappy breakfast club movie sucks. I could go on and on. If you grew up in the eighties I feel your pain. They did play some early Michael Jackson that I don’t hate, the Mamase mamama mamama fu sa song isn’t bad, but I keep on waiting for Rihana’s voice and “Please don’t stop the music” after that.

I hate going to the bathroom at sporting events, you always miss out on the good stuff. My brother missed out on a 3 run hommer while peeing. I must have a very large bladder because when I’m drinking I can hold it in for a while before I have to go. I would say the average man pees 3 times before I have to go. I always unload before the game is over if I don’t by the time I get to the car I’ll be ready to explode.
What sucks is that I always seem to bet on the wrong horses. When you walk into the bathroom at a sporting event there’s like 10 lines of guys waiting to take a leek, I always seem to pick the line with the slowest peers. I’ve tried several different formulas, I first walk in and look at the size of the men (that sounded kind of gay) I pick the line with the thinner shorter men because I figure they’ll pee faster. Well, I’m always wrong, all the other lines are moving along much faster then mine. I’ve also tried picking the line with the biggest men, that doesn’t work either. I’ve also tried waiting for a toilet, the lines for the toilets are always shorter then the pee line but my luck always sucks! The other toilet lines are moving along but I have to be standing on the line where everyone is taking a shit. There’s no real way to tell which line would be the fastest. Next time I’m asking them “Excuse me Sir, how many beers did you drink since your last pee?”

Are there some kind of special pants I could get? I know someone must have already invented some kind of pants that attach to your “love muscle” with some kind of plastic lining or bag for pee storage. It would be good for sporting events and long road trips.

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Biker Dan

So, I was finally able to get my used bike of Craig’s List. It’s a Iron Horse something Mountain Bike. The Wife and I went biking today and I have a few tips for all you future bikers.

1) Look for loose change while biking, I collected a total of 10 cents while on the road today. If I’m lucky enough to find this amount every time I go out, the bike will pay for itself on my 1,000th trip.

2) While on the road don’t spit forward, you should lean your head down and spit towards the floor. The wind can be a real son of a bitch and send that spit back to your face.

3) Make sure the seat is the proper size, the previous owner of this bike was a tiny tiny woman who sold it because it was too big for her, she must have changed the original seat, that sucker is small.

4) Don’t get all excited and go to far, remember you still have to bike back home. Half way back home I wanted to throw up. I’m glad I didn’t cause my dumb ass would have probably thrown up forward against the wind.

5) Watch out for attacking birds, some guy in Chicago was attacked by a bird and fell off his bike, he’s dead now. The guy, not the bird. The bird is probably still flying around shitting on peoples cars. I hate birds! that’s all they’re good for, shitting on peoples cars and killing bikers.

6) Don't bike too much cause it's bad for the "huevos" if you think I'm full of crap just ask Lance Armstrong. Arm strong but weak balls.

When The Wife heard the news about the dead guy she asked me to buy a helmet. I don’t want to because I’ll look like an English cigarette it. Although I do want to get some stretchy biker shorts.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Random stuff and never ending thoughts.

So, I’m making more of an effort to exercise more because The Wife is making me make more of an effort to exercise more. I’ve had leaner days, I’m okay with my current 20 pound over weighteness, but The Wife insists on leading healthier lives bla, bla, bla.
We went roller blading over the weekend, when I took my blades out of the shed they literally had spider webs all over them. A couple of days ago I got The Wife a bike from Craig’s list and today I’m getting one for myself.

Yesterday I took Nikki the dog out for a walk that ended up being more like a jog, at some point some guy with another dog walked by us and as is usual with dogs they started smelling each others dog butts. They kind of circled each other a couple of times so both are leashes got tangled. The other guy and I started going in circles to untangle them. The Wife who was not far from there quickly pointed out that I was dancing with another man, verrry funny Wife, she thinks she’s so funny sometimes.

I’m a little concerned about getting fit, what if once I’m fit I have all these chicks trying to get some Dan love? With all the watermelon I eat, forget it.

I’m happy to report that my house is now officially “green”, we have a recycle bin for all of our crap.
As I write this the piece of shit guy who is selling me my bike just cancelled on me for the third time!!!! What a retard!!!!

I went to see Hancock over the weekend, the best thing about the movie ( other then the always hot Charlize Theron ) was a trailer I saw for a movie called “The day the earth stood still” with Keanu Reeves it looks awesome, am I the only person in the world who thinks that Keanu is a great actor? Either that or he’s is very good at picking his movies.
I like most of his stuff.

Monday, July 7, 2008

Saturday, July 5, 2008


So, this new study claims that watermelon has the same effects on a man as taking Viagra. I’ve eating lots and lots of watermelon in my day but I don’t remember it giving me any……..boners, I mean side effects, other then satisfying my tummy.
I’m going to my local produce store right now to get me some watermelon, I must verify these claims. Although I’ve never had to take Viagra so how would I know if it’s the same?
One thing I know for sure is that if I owned a store that sold watermelon I’d jack up the price and start charging 10 times what its worth.
I wonder if I could buy some stock in watermelon.

Click here to read the story.


Thursday, July 3, 2008

Handy Dan

So, I’m off today, got a four day weekend!
Although I probably shouldn’t count today because The Wife wants me to do some things around the house. A couple of my co-workers said that I made a big mistake by telling her I wasn’t working today.
“Do you think my wife knows I don’t have to work on Thursday? Hell no”
I’m going to get up like I’m coming to work, go to breakfast, give her enough time to leave the house and come back and relax.

The other guy is cheating on his wife and said he was taking his girlfriend to Navy Pier, for those of you that are not from Chicago Navy Pier is a tourist spot with boats and a giant stupid Ferris Wheel; never got the attraction to that place.
Are these guys out of their fucken minds!!!!!
Why wouldn’t I tell The Wife I have the day off? I truly feel sorry for them!

Here is my to do list:
I have to unclog the drain from our bathroom sink and fix an awning that is falling apart. Doesn’t sound that bad but I’ve never been able to fix anything quickly. I know that once I take off that elbow looking think under the sink I’m probably going to break it and have to run to the Home Depot to get a new one. Then as usual I’m going to buy the wrong size so I’ll have to go back again to return it. Once I unclog and install the new one I’m going to realize that the water is still going down kind of slow so I’ll take it apart again and put it back together. Once I do that I’ll realize that I have this massive water leak so I’ll have to take it apart and go to Home Depot to get some of that Teflon tape used in pluming. At some point I'll hit my head somewhere and loose the tool I’m using and spend an hour looking for it and find it in my back pocket.
Don’t get me started on the awning job.

I shouldn’t have told the wife I have the day off, I truly feel sorry for myself. I must have been out of my mind. I should have just done what my co-worker is doing now……..the one that came back home to relax, not the Navy Pier one.