Tuesday, March 31, 2009

I hate people part 2

So, I went to my local Jewel yesterday with The Wife, it was raining, I decided to stay in the car while she did her shopping. I’m not afraid of getting wet or nothing, I was just lazy, we had just come from the gym. As I waited I played a couple of hands of poker on my phone, there I was minding my own business when I see a lady approaching, she was parked next to me. I’m the guy who parks at the end of an empty lot because I’m afraid someone is going to open their door all recklessly and hurt Maxine, yesterday I was all the way up front. I saw this lady (later in this post I will refer to this lady as a stupid bitch but for now I’m giving her the benefit of the doubt) approaching and I thought to myself “this lady is going to hit my car” sure enough she swings her door and hits mine. I honk the horn and get out of my car, she rolls the window down and give me this disgusted look, like I’m making such a big deal. I carefully examine my car and tell her in a normal voice “will you take it easy” I didn’t notice any damage so I wasn’t that mad. She then looks at me and tells me all pissed off “you gave a good day Sir” it wasn’t what she said but how she said it. She then drove off while staring me down. So his stupid bitch hits my car and I’m the bad guy?
I really hate people. She probably went home and told everyone in her family how she barley hit a car with her door and how the man in the parking made such a big deal about it.
People are so ignorant!
Would she be opening her door like that if she had a car worth more then 50 bucks? Probably not!

Monday, March 16, 2009

Sweet Crocodile Honey

So, this is how I sweetened my coffee today. I used the Crocodiles Hunter’s honey. This guy’s been dead for like 2 years now and they’re still selling stuff with his face on the front. That’s kind of cool actually; The Hunter lives on thru my coffee. I checked the expiration date on this because when I saw it I thought to myself it must be really old, but no, it expires at the end of this year.
Funny thing is that after I had my coffee I started talking like the Hunter. “Hey mate, have some of my honey mate” I used an English accent the whole day. Speaking of English, I was a little hesitant writing this post. I never realized the influence my written word has on Brian. My last post was about the “fille o fish” sandwich from McDonalds. This consumed his life, his every thought until he finally went out and bought the necessary items to make his own.
I’m worried now that after reading this Brian is going to put on his shorts and go wrestle a crocodile.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

28 days later... I mean to go.

So, other than what I have addressed on my previous post I have another reason to wish lent to be over soon. For those of you who don’t know, it’s tradition for Catholics to not eat meat on Friday’s during Lent , fish is ok to eat. Don’t ask me why that’s just the way it is, I have no idea why it’s okay to eat a poor fish but not a delicious cow or pig.
Every year the smart people at McDonald’s bring back their fish sandwiches. The sandwich is actually pretty good, I had one last week. The problem with the McDonald’s fish promotion is their commercial. Click below if you don’t know what I’m talking about.

Give me back my fillet o fish, give me that fish! The Wife has been singing this song for 2 weeks now and it’s driving me nuts. We went out to dinner today and as I’m pulling out the garage I could tell she was talking to me but I couldn’t make out what she was saying.
What? I asked her.
Oh nothing, I wasn’t talking to you.
What were you saying?
“Give me back my fille o fish, give me that fish”

She does a little hips don't lie Shakira dance every time the commercial comes on to.
Just last night I was at that point where you’re barley awake, just seconds away from falling into a deep sleep. I was woken up by her shaking her ass and singing “Give me back my fille o fish, give me that fish”

Boy I really need some Vodka!

p.s. I was a little disappointed in all of you, none of you had any suggestions on how to get “drunk” without getting drunk. I would have been happy with a Sniff glue comment.

-posted by bee cuz Dan is dork

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

30 days left !

So, you know all those recovering alcoholics that always tell you how many days they’ve been sober? Hello, my name is Boozer and I’m an alcoholic, I’ve been sober for 489 days.
Well I’ve been sober for 9 days now and it really sucks!
Lent is here again and this year I’ve given up all alcoholic beverages, I didn’t realize how much I like my booze until now. I don’t drink much, I hardly ever get drunk but I do like to get “buzzed” I’d say twice a week. I normally have a few on little Friday, little Friday is a tradition started by my SIL and her husband (by the way I wonder if they’re still alive, I haven’t heard from them in a while) little Friday is actually Thursday night, just an excuse to drink during the week. Then I have a few during the weekend, sometimes on Big Friday (big Friday is actually Friday night) or on Saturday, I don’t really drink on Sunday’s….actually I drink a little when the Bears lose to drown my sorrow….and I drink a little when they win to celebrate during football season……..and baseball for the Sox and basketball for the Bulls.
Sometimes I drink on Wednesday, Wednesday is the middle of the week, hump day. I drink a little to help me get by for the rest of the week. On certain occasions I drink on Monday, Monday is the start of the week and after being off for two days I get home kind of tired so I have a beer or six to relax. I also might have a glass or two of wine on Tuesday because it’s little hump day. I really don’t drink on any other days then what I’ve just mentioned, but I do miss the numbness of a good buzz. I’m thinking about picking up pot during lent, It’s been a really long time since I’ve had me some
Mary jew ana, last time I took a hit must have been 15 years ago.
Last year I gave up pizza, coke, ice cream, fries and didn’t lose a single pound. I replaced all the fatty stuff with other fatty stuff, I think I wrote a post about it called “Gut Boy”.
If you guys have any suggestions on how to get numb without breaking the law I’d love to hear them. I heard licking frogs will get you high but that’s gross, I wouldn’t even know where to find any frogs anyway. I saw a South Park episode where the kids where getting high letting a cat pee on them, again that’s gross, no pussy (cat) near my face.
Maybe I should join AA for 30 days, I could get one of those sponsor people. I wonder if they would actually show up if I called them while having a burger at my local Appelbees?
Sponsor dude, I just can’t resist it anymore I must have a Corona.

Send in your home remedies please, Lent is still young!

Saturday, March 7, 2009

Busy, busy , busy

So, like I said before, I’ve been really busy working on the rental untis, I’m glad to report that I’m finally done, today was my last day! I had to go this morning to put some fresh cock on the bath tub and to give my new tenant the keys. I hope she’s not a pain in the ass, I’ve been lucky so far to have good tenants (expect for the one lady that accused me of being a jail warden because I wouldn’t let her out of her contract “I’m going to die here and it will be your fault” she said, I wish I had a blog back then, you all would have loved her.) We are calling the new tenant “Crazy Lady” why am I renting the apartment to someone I have baptized “crazy lady” you ask? Well, I guess I can blame it on the economy, everyone that called to ask me about the place wanted me to throw in the heating bills, gas is way to expensive for me to do that. Crazy Lady has been approved for section 8, section 8 is a government program that pays for your rent. How sweet is that! Where do I sing up! The government is going to be sending me a check every month to cover her rent, although with the way things are right now I’m a little worried, the government doesn’t have a pot to piss in anymore. Section 8 sent out an inspector to check out the place before approving her, I failed the first inspection, they looked at everything! I had to tighten this, paint that, fix this, replace that. I was meant to be a slum lord, that apartment is nicer then my house now, no not really.
I’m done with my projects and that’s great, now I’m going to spend my weekends helping Bee recover from her flood damage I helped dig a big hole in her basement today. A man’s work is never done.