Wednesday, June 25, 2008

The grass is always greener on the other side

So, I wonder what kind of fertilizer my next door neighbor uses ?

Saturday, June 21, 2008

Nikki and my hairless arm

So, someone knocks on my door Thursday night, it was kind of late around 10:30pm. It was this lady who I’ve never seen before that lives a couple of houses from me and says:
Hi, just wanted to let you know that your dog was running around outside. I picked her up and called the cops. They were going to take her to the animal shelter but then your neighbor said it was yours. I was knocking on the door and no one came out so I went around to the back, your gate was open so I let her back in and closed the door.
Are you sure it was her?
Yes, I’m positive. I sat on your front stairs for a little while waiting to see if anyone was home.

This happened the same day that my in-laws had to send their puppy to doggy heaven, her name was “Bella” she was a 1 ½ year old terrier. The Vet thinks she didn’t have all her shots.
My dog’s name is “Nikki” she’s a pug/terrier mix. I can’t imagine how upset The Wife would have been if she had run away or got run over by a car.
_ _ _

The Wife and I were outside cooking, we do this very often and I'm usually the one that man’s the grill, she was taking care of it today. While she was inside getting other stuff I got up and opened the top of the grill to turn the meat around, I noticed the meat wasn’t cooking. All the flames were off, so what did my dumbass do?
I pushed the button that creates the spark that lights the grill, only problem is that the gas had been on for like 7 minutes and since the lid was down all the gas was trapped and when I pushed the button……”BOOOOMMMM!!!!”
I felt this strong gush of hot air go up my left arm and to my face. It didn’t really hurt but all the hair on my left arm was completely burned off. I’m a pretty hairy guy so now my left arm is all smooth, I was thinking about shaving my right arm to even things out.
I had a disturbing thought, what if the The Wife did it on purpose? I do have life insurance. Although my earning potential for the next thirty years is way more that the policy. I’m glad I was wearing my sunglasses.

Sunday, June 15, 2008

Innocence Lost

So, this new movie called “The Happening” is out I really want to see it so anyone of you who would like to accompany me to it will get some free Nachos.
It’s from the same guy that did “the sixth sense” I think his name is M Night Schamalakalaka.

The Wife had to pick me up from work on Friday because I locked myself out of the locker room, my keys, wallet and cell phone were in there. I had to go to work on Saturday to pick up all my stuff, my boss who also uses that locker room was coming in on Saturday too. When I got there I asked him for his keys, when I walked into the locker room I noticed that all of the calendars (you know all those calendars of women in “artistic posses”) were all on PG pages. I thought to myself “who the hell changed all the calendars around” you see I’ve taken the time to go thru all 12 months of each one and chose the best most artistic picture.
I got my stuff and rearranged all the calendars back to the pages I had them at. Before I left I walked thu the plant a couple of times just to see what everyone was up to then I went back to the locker room to get my dirty clothes, I heard a toilet flush then out of one of the stalls walks out this little ass kid, eight or nine years old. His name I forget but it was my bosses son. After he left the locker room I quickly flipped all the calendars around again.
Hey, the kid will remember this day for the rest of his life.

Saturday, June 7, 2008

A legend is born

So there’s this guy at work named Sal, he’s a big dude about 6’3 with a serious bodybuilder body. He’s a Formen of a department and in my opinion a very good one. I think all of his crew is intimidated by his size so they are well behaved.
Well Thursday he and my new partner in crime Ted were arm wrestling in the office, of course Sal beat the crap out of him but not before letting Ted think he had a chance, he toyed with him for a little bit.
Ted is a 23 year old collage student, very intelligent guy who’s been working there for a couple of years. He has great ideas that have never really been implemented because people didn’t really care about what he said, but now he has someone that thinks like him to back him up.

After the arm wrestling match ended I kind of started to walk away because I knew Sal would challenge me next. I think I was there all of two days when he told me he could bench 500 lbs. sure enough he said.

Hey Dan, you want to go next?

I really didn’t but I couldn’t say no, I’ve put my time in the gym at one point in my life so I surly would at least give him a fight for 2 or 3 seconds.
I immediately noticed that the table we were going to use was backed up against the wall, so the person standing on the left would have to push towards the wall and would have no leverage while the person standing on the right would be able to lean his body and have all the leverage in the world.

Ok, I told him, you stand on that side. Of course I pointed to the left side.
So we started our match, I also know that you should always keep your elbow as close to your chest as you can, the more you open your arm the weaker you will be. We were locked in the starting position, he couldn’t move me and I couldn’t move him. I was impressed he was able to hold on for so long I made him carry all 210 lbs of me (that’s what I weigh fully dressed with steal toe shoes, I’m not fat I just got a little gut) after like 30 seconds he let go and I was victorious !!!

He’s not that stupid so he immediately demanded a re-match but this time he wanted me to stand on the left.

I told him no, I’m too tired to go again. Do you want to beat me knowing that I’m tired?
Hey, well I was already tired too because I arm wrestled Ted first so that was my second match.
Now for sure I won’t give you a re-match because when I beat you again you’re going to say that you were tired because that was your third match.
Left hand then, left hand, but you stand on that side this time.
He easily beat me.
Ok, let’s do the right hand again! I’ll beat you really easy, if you stand on the left.
No, lets just leave it like it is, I won with the right, and you won with the left.
Yeah but you cheated!
Didn’t you do the same thing with the left? I have no problems admitting that I lost with the left; you should take your loss like a man.
Ok, lets to it on another table where no one will have an advantage.
I told you I was tired already, lets do it tomorrow, I’ll be rested, do you want to beat me when I’m tired or do you want to beat me when I’m strong and rested?
Ok, but tomorrow I’ll be stronger too.

Here is the funny part; I WILL NEVER give this guy a re-match. If I do he will no doubt beat me, if I don’t then I will be the guy who beat Sal in arm wrestling forever. I’ll have this over him for the next 20 years.
I broke a blood vessel in my eye last week while coughing; my right eye has looked like its bleeding since then.
Friday I told him that I needed my eye to clear up before a re-match because I didn’t want to break another blood vessel. I’ll have an excuse for the next twenty years.
I of course told a few people that I beat him and it has now spread to the entire plant.
I think the poor guy is loosing sleep over it.

It’s really heating up here now, yesterday we got to 90. Doesn’t sound that bad but when you work in a place that needs to be heated to dry leather it feels much hotter.
I need to go out and buy me some cotton breathable pants, yesterday I took jeans to work and they were killing me! All that sweat has no where to go the skin at the top of my legs near the ball area is rubbing raw when I walk and it hurts like hell. I did a self examination with a mirror yesterday and that whole end of leg/ball area is all red. I’ll post pictures if you would like me to. I still had to try to walk normal at work but when I got home yesterday I was walking like a prison bitch.
Or I can make some holes in the proper area on my jeans and boxers, maybe I can put a little fan there too, kind of like those hats that came out in the 80’s that had a little fan and a hole by the forehead. Does anybody remember those hats?
Don't forget to let me know if you would like me to post pictures of the rubbed raw area.

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Still Alive

So, I've been kind of busy lately. No time or PC at work and get home with just enough time to read my regular posts.
Just wanted you all to know that I'm still alive, if I had died I'm sure Bee would have posted about it already.
Ok, got to go. The Wife want's to lay on me.