Saturday, March 6, 2010

Pedro Pan

I’ve been away for so long that I think only my sister (B) will be reading this post, by now I’m sure I have lost my other 4 readers.
I had a good reason to be away, yes I did, I did.
My house caught fire a few months ago, my family and I had to live out of a suite case while my house was repaired.
It all started with a leaky roof, nothing crazy just a drip, drip, no drip, drip.
It was such a small drip, drip, no drip, drip that I wish I had gone to my shed, pulled out my ladder, pulled out my gorilla clue and fixed it myself. Instead, I decided to do something stupid……I called a professional roofer to give me a quote, the first guy I called said he could fix my problem for 3 grand. That seemed kind of high so I decided to get a second qoute, the second quote I got was for 700 bucks. My brain started to work overtime…..3 grand, 700 bucks. I did what anyone else would have done in my shoes, I talked the 700 bucks guy down to 675 and gave him the job.
I should have trusted my gut, my gut who never fails me was telling me this was a bad idea so…….I talked him down another 25 bucks to make my gut feel a little better.
The reason my gut was telling me not to give this guy the job was because he came to my house without a ladder…….A ROOFER CAME TO MY HOUSE TO GIVE ME A QUOTE AND HE DIDN’T HAVE A LADDER!!!! Who does he think he is Peter Pan? In this case Pedro Pan (he was a paisano)
Any semi-intelligent person would have seen this as a huge red flag and told him thanks but no thanks, but how can I turn down this great deal? Not in these difficult times. So, I walked over to my tool shed and gave him my ladder.
Pedro Pan got to work on my roof a couple of days later and burned it down…..what a jerk!
I was at work when this happened, when I got home I had a house full of axe happy firemen breaking down and making huge holes in my walls, trying to break down unlocked doors, poring water all over the fricken place way after the fire had been put out. Don’t get me wrong here, I do appreciate what Firemen do, putting their lives in danger and all that other good stuff they do.
I’ve been home for a month now….there’s no place like home, there’s no place like home……..

Saturday, June 6, 2009

Wacky Kung Fu

So, I’ve always wondered what I would do in life to be remembered long after I’m dead.

What would be my legacy? I’ve tried writing a movie before but I haven’t finished it. I could invent something and name it after me, but what? The guy who invented the Hymlick Maneuver has saved thousands of lives, I want to be like that guy.

The Dan Maneuver has a nice ring to it, yesterday I heard how the Kung Fu guy dyed and a great sadness came over me, here is a poor old guy just trying to have a little fun and Boom he’s dead, the same thing happened to the Depech Mode guy. That’s when it hit me, I could invent some kind of comptraction to make the practice of self auto asphyxiationwacking not only an enjoyable experience but a safe one to. That can be my legacy, I could save thousands and thousands of lives and make thousands and thousands of dollars. I’m spending all weekend working on my design, once I have the rough design I’m going to my local Home Depo and building this puppy.

Of course I’ll have to take it out for a test drive before I put it on the market, I hope I do a good job with the design cause if I don’t it could get ugly.

The name of my machine will be “Dan’s safe autoasphyxiationwacking comptraction”.

I’m going to buy ad space on every news paper and maybe you’ll see me at 2am in the morning doing some kind of infomercial on TV. I’m so excited!

Brian, since you’re my longest male reader I’m gonna give one to you for free!

Aren’t you just jumping for joy! Please send me money for the postage

Thursday, May 7, 2009

My blood

So, I went to see the Doctor the other day. I have this rash thing on my right arm. I have no idea what it is, it’s like little lumps. For some reason I thought it would be a good idea to put wart medicine on the lumps. That turned out to be a bad idea since, first of all they were not warts and I seemed to have infected it since they started to spread. It started with five little lumps, once I got to around 13 I started thinking to myself that maybe I should go see a medicine man. So I did, the Doc gave me a steroid cream and told me that if they didn’t go away within two weeks he would send me to a dermatologist. He also said that since I was there I should get some blood work done because at my age I should have blood tests done at least once every two years. I wasn’t crazy about the idea but I agreed.

Two days later the nurse called me and said I needed to come back because they wanted to run additional tests…….it’s not a good sign when they call you for more blood, is it?

Anyway, they said something about sugar being high and they started asking questions about diabetes in the family (which I don’t think we have) and diet and asking if I eat healthy. What the hell do my arm lump things have to do with diabetes?

Walk in with a couple of warts, walk out with diabetes? Biiiitttttcccchhhhh pleeeease!

I love that SNL skit and the Geely one.

So I went back, they took more blood and ran more tests, all is good no diabetes for me! Over the last week I had been eating very healthy and I was also working out so now I can go back to sitting on my ass with a big bowl of Ice Cream, cookies and cream is my fave!

I’m also happy to report that the lumps are going down to. I wonder what would happen if I rub the cream on my bald spot?

Thursday, April 23, 2009

My Hairs

So, I went to get my hairs cut yesterday, I was way overdue for a hairs cut two months ago. I walked into the Hair Cuttery and was happy to see that there was no one in the lobby so I would be next. The timing was perfect because I had dropped The Wife at the Target, it takes the hair cutter about ten minutes to cut my hairs so I would be back to the Target parking lot before The Wife finished shopping.

Two ladies where on duty, I’m not picky with my hair cutter, whoever is available first gets to rub my head and cut my hairs. I’ve had my hairs cut by both of those ladies before and I do prefer one over the other but not enough to wait any longer then I have to. As I was sitting in the lobby a lady walks in with her daughter, I was glad to have walked in just before them since girls take waaaay longer to get their hairs cut then guys. I was happy that the lady I wanted finished first so I was next….. I was wrong.

The lady walks up to me and says “sorry but they where here first

What? No, I was here before them.

No, they came in before you then went shopping next door and came back.

What? What? What?

How’s that even allowed in real life, you can’t do that!

I’d love to walk into Tony’s (where we buy all our groceries, the line is always crazy) stand in line for two minutes then do all my shopping (The Wife does all the shopping) and cut in front of everybody to pay first. I should have told the hair cutter lady “so, I can go to Dunkin Doughnut have a Doughnut and coffee and still have my place? What the fuck hair cutter lady! I told her I had no time to wait and left. I’d been going there for

about four years, they just lost a customer, not that they’ll miss my 3 visits per year but I have to make a stand! You are dead to me Hair Cuttery!

24 hours later…………..

So, I went back to the Hair Cuttery today. I know I said they were dead to me but it’s so close to my house and I’m normally in and out in ten minutes. A man and his son were ahead of me. I wondered to myself if I walked up to the lady and told her that I had to be next since I was here yesterday but went home to sleep then to work, then home and now I was back if it would work for me. Today I had to wait no matter what since like I said before I’m way overdue. I look like Wolverine from the X Men movie, which I guess is cool. I saw someone cutting hair that I’d never seen there before, it was a man…a gay man. I don’t know why and I’m even ashamed to admit but I was really hoping not to get the gay man hair cutter roulette. I was rooting for the women to finish just in time to get my hairs done by one of them. In order to avoid the gay man roulette I needed one lady to finish then for him to finish next, I was so afraid that both women would finish first and take the father and son and leave me all to him. Is that bad? Does that make me a homophobe? I don’t think so but someone else might think I am. Is it wrong of me not to want the person cutting my hair to get a booner while doing it? I mean how could he not? I’m a dammed good looking man, I look like Wolverine.

The chips fell in the order I hoped they would and my hairs were cut by the lady that had turned me away the day before……and I was dammed happy with her now, I guess it was meant to be.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Bed War

So, The Wife is trying to take over my side of the bed. We had to switch sides the other night because she wasn’t feeling well and my side is closer to the bathroom (I have a feeling that one is going to get me in trouble) the next night when I came to bed my pillow and Pure Sleep mouth piece was on her side of the bed.

“I thought you weren’t sick anymore
I’m not
So why are you on my side of the bed?
I like this side better so I’m staking my claim.
You can’t stake your claim on something that’s already been claimed!
Yes, I can. I don’t see a flag anywhere.

I told her that since my side is closer to the door I’d be in a better position to protect her in case someone broke into our house.
That didn’t work so I then had to physically mover her to her side, it wasn’t that easy. The Wife is pretty strong for a chick.

I don’t understand how she can just switch sides, she has no loyalty to her side.
It’s not that easy for me to make a move like that, my side has molded to my body, when I slept on her side I felt like at the top of a hill about to roll down.
Why can’t we just leave things as they are, she moves the furniture and wall decorations around the house all the time, it drives me crazy!
I hate it when she rearranges the house, it takes me a few months to get used to the new look. I go to get a fork only to realize that the fork and spoon drawer is no longer the fork and spoon drawer and is now the small towel things that you put on the table to protect the wood from the hot plate drawer, what the hell do you call those plate coasters things anyway? And what’s wrong with the table getting a little hot? It’s not going to explode Wife!

I’m happy to report that I have defended my territory successfully.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

So, I want you all to look at this picture. Let’s say you’re driving home and you get to this corner.
Would you turn right on Red?
Would you stop even though there’s no “Do not turn on red sign” anywhere! and wait for everyone behind you to start honking their horn?
I have taken this route two or three times a week for the last 5 years, ever since Bee packed and took my Mom to live with her to a far away suburb.

Today I got some mail from the lovely people at the Photo Enforcement Department. I’m being targeted my THE MAN! I’m being falsely accused of running a red light, they want me to pay 100 bucks, but I’m not going down without a fight!
I’m going to kick The Man in the nuts!
How does The Man get away with putting a camera on every fucken corner! Big Brother is watching!
I’m going to start a movement to have these cameras removed! They first went up in bad neighborhoods with the excuse to fight crime but now there everywhere, big government is getting bigger and bigger.
I went back to the scene of the alleged crime and took pictures to prove my innocence; I also took the time to give the camera the finger.

Socialism here we come!

Saturday, April 11, 2009

I can drink!

So, Lent is officially over! I can finally drink alcohol!
What better way to have my first beer in about 50 days then to have it at a baseball game? I got tickets to the Sox game today so I’ll be stuffing my face with hotdogs and beer, I never did get around to making my “pee pants” that I posted about a while back. I wonder if the beer will go right threw me since my system is no longer accustom to it.
I hope not since I hate going to the bathroom during sporting events, why don’t they put TV’s in the bathrooms? I always miss out on good stuff when I have to go.
I step inside the bathroom just as the crowd starts to roar.
The weather should is nice today, it will be in the 50’s, I’m glad it’s not cold. Although 50’s might be cold for some spoiled people who are used to 80’s all the time.
I hope I don’t wake up with a hangover tomorrow.

This is my 100th post!