Pedro Pan

I’ve been away for so long that I think only my sister (B) will be reading this post, by now I’m sure I have lost my other 4 readers.
I had a good reason to be away, yes I did, I did.
My house caught fire a few months ago, my family and I had to live out of a suite case while my house was repaired.
It all started with a leaky roof, nothing crazy just a drip, drip, no drip, drip.
It was such a small drip, drip, no drip, drip that I wish I had gone to my shed, pulled out my ladder, pulled out my gorilla clue and fixed it myself. Instead, I decided to do something stupid……I called a professional roofer to give me a quote, the first guy I called said he could fix my problem for 3 grand. That seemed kind of high so I decided to get a second qoute, the second quote I got was for 700 bucks. My brain started to work overtime…..3 grand, 700 bucks. I did what anyone else would have done in my shoes, I talked the 700 bucks guy down to 675 and gave him the job.
I should have trusted my gut, my gut who never fails me was telling me this was a bad idea so…….I talked him down another 25 bucks to make my gut feel a little better.
The reason my gut was telling me not to give this guy the job was because he came to my house without a ladder…….A ROOFER CAME TO MY HOUSE TO GIVE ME A QUOTE AND HE DIDN’T HAVE A LADDER!!!! Who does he think he is Peter Pan? In this case Pedro Pan (he was a paisano)
Any semi-intelligent person would have seen this as a huge red flag and told him thanks but no thanks, but how can I turn down this great deal? Not in these difficult times. So, I walked over to my tool shed and gave him my ladder.
Pedro Pan got to work on my roof a couple of days later and burned it down…..what a jerk!
I was at work when this happened, when I got home I had a house full of axe happy firemen breaking down and making huge holes in my walls, trying to break down unlocked doors, poring water all over the fricken place way after the fire had been put out. Don’t get me wrong here, I do appreciate what Firemen do, putting their lives in danger and all that other good stuff they do.
I’ve been home for a month now….there’s no place like home, there’s no place like home……..

60 or so days later

So, I’m sure you’ve all been wondering where I’ve been (or not), I’ve been really lazy lately. I can’t believe it’s been 2 months since I last posted about going to the gym, after two months I should be all ripped and in shape by now…of course I’m not. I work out on Monday’s to start the week off on a good note, on Tuesday something always seems to come up so I don’t go. Wednesday’s I visit my mom, I go on Thursday’s (sometimes) and hell no I don’t go Friday’s because I’d rather have a couple of beers (by the way, my boss told me about a beer from his homeland of Austria or Australia (I always get those confused, he’s from the opposite country of the Crocodile Hunter)called Ziper, it’s the greatest beer in the history of beer, you can only find it a Binny’s) nobody in there right mind works out on Saturday or Sunday. When Monday comes around I’m so there since I want to start the week strong. In fact I’m gonna go have a few right now, I need to develop a bigger beer gut so I have extra motivation to work out.

Gym Fun

So, I joined a new gym that opened by my house. Friday night I was kind of bored so I decided to go pump some iron. I was listening to Guns n Roses (my favorite band of all time, I even like Chinese Democracy) they have a song called “Get in the Ring” here are some of the lyrics.
….What you’re pissed off cuase your Dad gets more pussy then you? Fuck you! Suck my fucken dick…..
Well, let me tell that it’s not a good idea to sing these lyrics out loud while working out. Especially while other people are around you, they kind of look at you funny then walk away. Speaking of Richard’s, someone at work is drawing a big dick on my car! It happened once about two months ago and again today, the first time it was all over the hood, they even took the time to draw hairy balls and everything. Next to the picture they wrote “for you”, today’s dick was one my door. I swear I’m going to catch the son of bitch that is doing this and fire his ass!!!!!! I’m going to point a camera at my car!
Poor Maxine….

Brown Noser

So, I noticed over at Bee’s that she’s taking a few days off, well I think this is a good time to carry on the torch for her. I’ve got plenty of things to write about. I’d like all of you to know that Zombies will not be taking over the world, I killed them all.
Since all the zombies are dead I can now go back to my usual bi-weekly posts.
Today I would like to talk about my nose, see that brown mole thing I got on there? It seems to be growing, it was much smaller in my teens. I never really noticed it getting bigger but now it seems to have taken over my nose. Will it ever stop growing?
I’m glad it’s off to the left a little, if it was a few millimeters to the right it would be right at the tip of my nose. Not only do I have a bald spot (which is now under control thanks to my Canadian Propecia) I know have to worry about my brown nose. Do they make something over the counter to combat brown noses? I wonder what would happen if I dip a needle in bleach and then poke my nose with it. What if it over bleaches my nose and makes it really white? I would then have to go get a nose tan, I can see myself now laying on a tanning bed fully dressed and wearing something that looks like a Mexican Luchador (wrestler) mask…… I would make a kick as Luchador! I wouldn’t bother learning all those fancy wrestler moves like the Figure Four or fancy drop kicks. I’d just kick every one in the nuts! My Luchador name would be “El Dano Magnifico, Kicko de Nuts” everyone would fear me!
Ok, back to the subject, I seem to have gone off the track here….although I think I would look great wearing those Speedo things with my cowboy hat and boots.
Should I get it operated? I should hire Michael Jackson’s old white making skin guy, he did a great job on his nose. (for all you Michael Jackson fans out there, please know that I was not making fun of him, I was making fun of his old white making skin guy doctor

Bad Blogger, Good Zombie Killer

So, I know I’ve been a bad blogger lately. You can all blame Sony’s PS3 and Resident Evil 5. Killing Zombies has really cut into my posting time, trust me my life is pretty interesting, I’ve had plenty of things to write about. Just the other day The Wife squeezed all the blackheads out of my face, I could have written a funny super long post about that. I can go on and on giving exiting examples like that one. I could have blogged about the fights I’ve had at work with stupid people, the other day I hosted a party, my guest were corn holing in my back yard. Je, Je, I said corn holing…that just sound so dirty!

I’ve gotten so caught up in this stupid game, the only reason I’m writing this now is because The Wife has taken the big screen hostage, I’m hoping she’ll get up and go watch TV in the bedroom. As I’m writing this I’m thinking about what I could say for her to get up and leave my big TV alone, nothing comes to mind except for…… Go watch TV in the bedroom and leave my big TV alone. I don’t think that will work, I need to be more sneaky.

The Resident Evil 5 book is on the desk next to my keyboard, I should pick up the book and read wha

Wacky Kung Fu

So, I’ve always wondered what I would do in life to be remembered long after I’m dead.

What would be my legacy? I’ve tried writing a movie before but I haven’t finished it. I could invent something and name it after me, but what? The guy who invented the Hymlick Maneuver has saved thousands of lives, I want to be like that guy.

The Dan Maneuver has a nice ring to it, yesterday I heard how the Kung Fu guy dyed and a great sadness came over me, here is a poor old guy just trying to have a little fun and Boom he’s dead, the same thing happened to the Depech Mode guy. That’s when it hit me, I could invent some kind of comptraction to make the practice of self auto asphyxiationwacking not only an enjoyable experience but a safe one to. That can be my legacy, I could save thousands and thousands of lives and make thousands and thousands of dollars. I’m spending all weekend working on my design, once I have the rough design I’m going to my local Home Depo and building this puppy.

Of course I’ll have to take it out for a test drive before I put it on the market, I hope I do a good job with the design cause if I don’t it could get ugly.

The name of my machine will be “Dan’s safe autoasphyxiationwacking comptraction”.

I’m going to buy ad space on every news paper and maybe you’ll see me at 2am in the morning doing some kind of infomercial on TV. I’m so excited!

Brian, since you’re my longest male reader I’m gonna give one to you for free!

Aren’t you just jumping for joy! Please send me money for the postage

My blood

So, I went to see the Doctor the other day. I have this rash thing on my right arm. I have no idea what it is, it’s like little lumps. For some reason I thought it would be a good idea to put wart medicine on the lumps. That turned out to be a bad idea since, first of all they were not warts and I seemed to have infected it since they started to spread. It started with five little lumps, once I got to around 13 I started thinking to myself that maybe I should go see a medicine man. So I did, the Doc gave me a steroid cream and told me that if they didn’t go away within two weeks he would send me to a dermatologist. He also said that since I was there I should get some blood work done because at my age I should have blood tests done at least once every two years. I wasn’t crazy about the idea but I agreed.

Two days later the nurse called me and said I needed to come back because they wanted to run additional tests…….it’s not a good sign when they call you for more blood, is it?

Anyway, they said something about sugar being high and they started asking questions about diabetes in the family (which I don’t think we have) and diet and asking if I eat healthy. What the hell do my arm lump things have to do with diabetes?

Walk in with a couple of warts, walk out with diabetes? Biiiitttttcccchhhhh pleeeease!

I love that SNL skit and the Geely one.

So I went back, they took more blood and ran more tests, all is good no diabetes for me! Over the last week I had been eating very healthy and I was also working out so now I can go back to sitting on my ass with a big bowl of Ice Cream, cookies and cream is my fave!

I’m also happy to report that the lumps are going down to. I wonder what would happen if I rub the cream on my bald spot?