Saturday, June 6, 2009

Wacky Kung Fu

So, I’ve always wondered what I would do in life to be remembered long after I’m dead.

What would be my legacy? I’ve tried writing a movie before but I haven’t finished it. I could invent something and name it after me, but what? The guy who invented the Hymlick Maneuver has saved thousands of lives, I want to be like that guy.

The Dan Maneuver has a nice ring to it, yesterday I heard how the Kung Fu guy dyed and a great sadness came over me, here is a poor old guy just trying to have a little fun and Boom he’s dead, the same thing happened to the Depech Mode guy. That’s when it hit me, I could invent some kind of comptraction to make the practice of self auto asphyxiationwacking not only an enjoyable experience but a safe one to. That can be my legacy, I could save thousands and thousands of lives and make thousands and thousands of dollars. I’m spending all weekend working on my design, once I have the rough design I’m going to my local Home Depo and building this puppy.

Of course I’ll have to take it out for a test drive before I put it on the market, I hope I do a good job with the design cause if I don’t it could get ugly.

The name of my machine will be “Dan’s safe autoasphyxiationwacking comptraction”.

I’m going to buy ad space on every news paper and maybe you’ll see me at 2am in the morning doing some kind of infomercial on TV. I’m so excited!

Brian, since you’re my longest male reader I’m gonna give one to you for free!

Aren’t you just jumping for joy! Please send me money for the postage


Brian o vretanos said...


I'm the longest? Well, I don't like to boast, but... how do you know this?

If you can't make a safe contraption, you could make one that somehow disappears or melts away before the police and media arrive on the scene - "Dan's Embarrassment Free Auto-thingy-device - Don't Die of Shame!"

David said...

Brian - I find this worrisome that he has compared us and I find his conclusion suspect. Is he accounting for the growers vs the showers?

I feel I've not been judged fairly.

Bee said...

Um BWAHAHAHAH! But also, ewwwww!!

Andy said you should translate in Spanish so my mom may read it since she thinks you are such a goody two shoes.

Dan said...

Good one! Please send me you address and money for postage, I think your new machine would look nice next to your piano.

My machine will be one size fits all, no worries.

Goody two shoes? who me?

Jean Knee said...

I love the name Dan. Can I sell them in my cock sucker store? we'll be rich

Tracy Rambles On And On said...

Don't you think you should try your contaption out on somebody else first? I mean, what if there's some sort of glitch and it doesn't work and then you die? I think you should definatelt find someone to be your "lab rat". That way, if it doesn't work, you can fix the glitches and then still be alive to fix it.
I will never understand why you men feel the need to do these things anyway. What's so great about "asphyxiationwhacking" in the first place?
And while I dind't watch any of David Carodine's Kung Fu movies, I thought he kicked ass in the Kill Bill movies. Those were the two movies that made me think that I might be really kick ass with a samari sword. *Sigh* Now I will never have "Bill" (aka David Carodine for those of you who didn't see the movies) to mentor me.
That is very sad indeed.

Tracy Rambles On And On said...

And another thing, wasn't the Kung Fu guy like, really old??
What business did he have doing that asphyxicationwhacking in the first place???

Tracy Rambles On And On said...

Also, how do you plan one demonstrating your contraption on QVC anyway?
Are you actually gonna go at it and make weird love to yourself on national TV?
You know, a bunch of old ladies watch that channel. What if one tries to buy YOU instead of your contraption???

Rhonda said...

Do you mean INXS guy? At least he wasn't wearing fish-net stockings.

Congratulations Brian on being the longest male reader. You should be very proud.