Friday, February 29, 2008

Advertise Here

So, I’m visiting the Bee Hive yesterday and she tells me that people actually make money by blogging. I know some real famous people make money but she told me that everyday people like me could also make money by selling advertising space on the side bar of your blog.
I’m pretty new to blogging but I’m all for making a buck whenever possible.
So, I want to give all of you, my loyal readers first crack to purchase space on my blog.
Take advantage now while the price is still cheap. After today I’m going to all the major companies like Microsoft, Sony, all the Phone companies.
In fact, I’m not that picky at all. I’ll sell space to anyone who’s willing to pay me for it.
Why didn’t I think of this sooner !!!!!!!
I don’t care what your selling or buying, I’ll be your conduit, thru me you can reach at least 6-10 people with plenty of disposable ( or is that disposed of ) income to buy your stuff.
Had your house on the market for a few months now ? Forget Realtor or Remax !
Advertise here ! I’ll sell you prime space next to one of my funny jokes for only $5.99.
That’s right ladies and gents. You get to buy a one inch square space on my blog.
Bee, you want to sell some of that left over crap from last summers yard sale?
Jean Knee, you want to sell some of those creepy eyed looking cat things?
Brian, how about you? want to sell some English stuff you don’t use anymore.
Tracy, looking for someone to help you paint your house green?
Serge, need to rent those empty apartment?
Nancy, need a new job? Post your resume here!
You must act now…wait hold on my phone is ringing, that was Fox ! They want to run some adds for their shows !!!
You guys better hurry before a sign a deal with them.
Remember, I have no morals, I’ll whore my blog space out to anyone.
Looking for love ? Post your picture here. Have a job opening?
Speaking of job, I mentioned in my first post about a job interview I was going to. I know you’ve all been wondering but probably felt it would be inappropriate to ask if I got the job, well I don’t think so since they haven’t called me yet. I think I’m just to good for them.
Although it doesn’t really matter anymore since I’m about to make a fortune blogging.
Look, see that, look over to the right of your screen…see that? THAT SPACE COULD BE YOURS !!!!!!!
I expect every one of you to tell everyone you know about this one in a life time opportunity.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

somebody's watching me

So the Wife convinced me yesterday into letting her buy a “pergola” something about how she was now entitled to spend an equal amount of money as I did when I bought the Playstation 3 , first thing that came to my head after she asked was “What, the fuck is a pergola”. Well I’m sure you ladies know exactly what that is but let me explain to those of you who don’t have your very own built in vajayjay.
It’s a hollow square looking structure with a tarp over it, the tarp is to provide shade. Kind of like a big square umbrella…..shade only cost me, us $ 500.
Yesterday while at the in-laws watching all the Hildog-Obama coverage she goes online to purchase our oversized umbrella. Within a couple of minuets before she was even done with the transaction my phone rings.
“ Hello, can I speak with Ms. Cordova ?’
Sure, who is this ?
It’s Chase Bank.
At this point I’m wondering why they would call her on my cell. What did they want I ask her.
“Oh, they just wanted to know if that was actually me trying to make that purchase.

Is that scary or what? How did they do that so quickly?
I think what bothers me more then anything is the fact that they called me.
I’m never using my debit again, they might call my wife on me !!!!
Hello, Ms. Cordova, just wanted to confirm that was you trying to buy online porn. Busted!!!! Not that I ever buy porn online, I was just trying to make a point. Actually its said that every man has his own super secret porn stash hidden somewhere in the house. I for one….lets move on here, that’s a whole different post, we’re getting off the track.
By the way the pergola makes me thing of that song “ Its time for the perculator”
So for the rest of the day I was singing “ It’s time for the Pergola, beeeeep, It’s time for the Pergola, beeeeep” I actually do the beeeep’s.
Later in the day after the purchase was made I was informed that the pergola doesn’t count in the “ I get to spend equal amount “ category since this is for the family.
Yeah, she made me realize how much I always wanted my own Pergola….beeeep.

Sunday, February 24, 2008

Gut Boy

So, I gave up the following for Lent: Pizza, Pop, Ice cream, Burgers, Fries and Beer.
First time I’ve given anything up, I did it kind of as a diet. I’ve been trying to lose some weight for a while now, I’m not a big porker but I could stand to lose about 20 lbs around the gut area. All my excess fat is stored there, all in the gut, the rest of my body is somewhat still tone.
When I first started dating my wife I was a lean exercising machine ( about 175 lbs, 8 % body fat ) who knew love was so fattening.
I have a room in my basement set up as a gym, plenty of free weights, a bench, elliptical machine and a stationary bike. You would think this should be enough to stay lean, but it isn’t. That has become the most unused room( by me ) in the house. Actually I take that back, there’s also a bathroom down there that I visit regularly since I’m not allowed to use the upstairs bathrooms to make stinky. The chocolate factory can only operate downstairs.
I do work out on Monday’s, I always tell myself “I’m starting off the week strong” so I work out on Monday’s but that’s usually my first and last workout of the week. I skip Tuesday, Wednesday’s I go to my Moms house after work and Thursday’s I say to myself “ this week is almost over, no point now, I’ll start for sure next week.
I have been able to stay away from all the bad stuff I gave up on, except of course for that one time I had rum and coke by mistake. By the way I do think that I cheated, my brother and his wife gave up meat so does that mean they can put a big steak in a tortilla and call it a taco ? I don’t think so.
Here is my problem, I haven’t lost a single pound !!!!
I’ve found substitutes for all I gave up.
Beer has now been replaced by Mike’s hard Lemon Aid and Parrot Bay Wine coolers.
Ice Cream, which I often have a bowl with a little milk before bed has been replaced by Peanut Butter cookies.
Burgers a fries have been replaced by burritos, you know those big huge ones with that giant flower tortilla.
Pop is been replaced by more coffee and artificially flavored fruit drinks.
So instead of getting rid of old bad eating habits I’m gaining new ones, what the hell is going to happen when lent is over and all the stuff I gave up on is fair game??
I see myself going to bed now with a huge Ice Cream bowl with peanut butter cookies floating in the milk.
When the wife doesn’t cook am I going to eat a burrito as an appetizer before the burgers and fries ?
Seems to me like I should make better use of my home gym. I’ll keep you all up to date with my weigh-ins, I got a new scale yesterday it says 198 lbs. Weight was taken like I came into this world….
The title came from the wife, one night I was telling her that she needs to motivate me to work out, I told her “you need to call me fat ass, say something like come on fat ass lets go work out”
She said
No sweetie that sounds too mean, I’ll just call you gut boy.

Thursday, February 21, 2008


So I got a new car last year, first one in my life.
First car that didn’t first belong to my older brother and first car I bought without having to vacuum the ashes out of the tray.
First car I didn’t find French fries under the seat along with nickels, pennies and dimes
(Actually finding loose change was a good thing)
AAAAHHHH that new car smell, still has it by the way. I can’t believe out of all the scents available for cars no one has come up with a new car smell sent, I would buy it.
Nobody better steal my idea !!!!!!!

So I didn’t realize that back when I bought Maxine I was also surrendering my right to ever spend a single penny other then gas and food.
“Sweetie I need some new jeans these are full of holes”
“ Well, let me see hummm, we did get that new car so maybe after it’s paid for”
“ Can I get a snickers candy bar?”
“ That’s not in the budget at the moment”.

I’ve been working her over for months to get the new Playstation 3; I’ve used every excuse I could, Birthdays, Anniversaries, Christmases, Thanksgivings, MLK day, Easter, Canadian Easter Day.

I abused every holiday possible “ Sweetie it’s Good Friday, can I get the PS3?
It’s Cinco de Mayo, can I get it?
Mother’s Day just around the corner……NO !
Summer Solstice day?
Independence day? First Manned Moon Landing day? ( July 20th)
Panama Canal Opened Day ? Yom Kippur ? Daylight Saving’s Day ended Day ? Pearl Harbor?
Scratch the last one I’m sure Vets (not the animal doctors ) wouldn’t like that one.
Makes me think of a joke.
How many Vietnam Vets does it take to screw in a light bulb?
You wouldn’t know, you weren’t there man.

That one might be funny only to me. Anyway, I’m proud to announce that she has finally cracked !!!!! Much to the delight of my brother Serge, I finally got the new PS3?
This time I understand that I have given up my right to buy underwear.

By the way, I should mention that I beat the crap out of Serge in our first online game of Madden !!!!!
I din't become a good sppeller overnight, I did this on Word then copied and pasted it here.

Monday, February 18, 2008

I need a remedy

Home remedies kill me.
Last week one of the ladies working here cuts her hand, no big deal small tiny little cut, a ban-aid will take care of it.
The next day I notice her in the middle of a circle of people, one lady comes up to me and says "Why didn't you send her to the clinic?! Don't you see how swallen her hand is !!!"
I walk over to her and in fact her hand is about the size of a boxers glove.
What happened ?

It just got like this overnight

I see that, but what did you do ?

Well, I heard once that if you cut yourself you should take a screw, boil it in water and then clean the wound with the water. Once the water was boiling I put my hand in it.

I sent her to the clinic.
I should mention this ladie is about 65.
I had no idea a screw had all these magical medical uses. Next time my head hurts I'm grabbing my drill screwing one to my temple.

My Grandma once grabbed a fly by the wings and rubbed the flies butt on an irritated part of her face, just below the eye. Did it help ? Noooooo, it got much worse. I'd like to meet the asshole that told my poor Grandma to rub a flies butt on herself. I wonder if they were just messing with her.

Dude at work told me to put cow shit on my head to avoid going bald.
What ??!!

Yeah, thats what I did.

Yeah but,'re bald.

I know I am, but If I hadn't done my cow shit treatments I would have gone bald in my twenties.

I rather have fly ass on my head then cow shit that's for sure.
I also saw a bunch of guys on the tellie lined up to let a donkey lick their heads.

Gradma again, sorry " Polita " but you're full of them.
My Grandfather once poured boiling water on my head ( wait I just realized he might be the one to blame for my baldness, I will address this issue with him next time I go to Mexico !!!! ) Gradma rubs a bunch of beans all over my head. When I got to the hodpital the Dr. asked for a tortilla to make a bean taco.

Do you have any good ones ?
Wait I almost forgot, I have a sister ( who I will not name BEEcuase I don't want to get in trouble) who used to put egg whites on her head before going to bed.
Unable to do spell check again !!!!

Friday, February 15, 2008

V Day

On my way home cell phone goes off.
" I'm gonna get my eyebrows done"
I'm in the bathroom shaving when my wife gets home. I'm in full v-day mode.
" Nice eyebrows, they did a good job"
I get that look, the look woman give when there mad, she replies to me.
" I didn't get them done, too long of a wait" Strike one
" Why is my robe on the floor"
I reply
"Gravity" Strike two, the day is not going as planned.
We're meeting my sister in law and her fiance for dinner, we're always very punctual but today we're running 45 min. behind schedule.
She complements me saying, I like it when you are fresh shaven.
" Yeah, I'm not going to have time to shave tomorrow before the interview ( job ) so I shaved today. ( for those new to this blog, I don't shave very often )
What am I saying ? everyone is new since this is really my first....devirginazation.
The wife replies " Oh, so you didn't shave for me on V Day " strike three.
We get to the restaurant and order a dish recommended by the in-laws, we order a dish that is supposed to be enough for two people, it wasn't. I paid 35 bucks for a shish kabob. Drinks arrive, Captain Morgan with Coke, it's verrry good. As soon as we're ready to order refills my wife points out " that had coke !!"
There goes one of my Lent sacrifices, I gave up all kinds of Coke. strike four.
I try to convince her that once the coke met the rum it is no longer coke.
If you were to give up milk and have a piece of cake is that wrong ? You need milk to make a cake but you should be able to enjoy some nice cake, right ?
After dinner we get to the comedy club, before the funny people came out we had to sit thru a dildo presentation. Yeah some chick came on stage and was trying to sell everyone a bunch of dildos.
I came here to laugh, not to buy fake dick's.
First funny guy sucked all form of ass.
Second guy was kinda funny, he went on a rant about hating those shoes that all of the sudden turn into skates. I really hate those too, I was walking the mall one day heading towards the pretzel line when some 14 year old punk zooms in front of me with his special skate tennis shoes. I wanted to push him into a train.
I've become a teenage hater in my old age.

Out of time, got to go to that interview.

I'm a great speller or don't know how to do a spell check on this thing, Bee you have to give me a crash course on Sunday.

Thursday, February 14, 2008