Sunday, July 20, 2008

Pee and the 80's

So, I went to a Sox game (baseball) on Friday with my brother Serge . For some reason I feel really safe with him around, like I can talk shit to all the opposing teams fans and know that if there’s any trouble he’ll have my back.
It was 80’s night so a lot of the staff and a few fans were walking around wearing all the ridiculously stupid looking eighties gear. I also saw people wearing mullet hair cuts.
Thru out the night 80’s music was being played thru the speakers of the stadium, this is when I came to realize how much eighties music really sucks ass. Here are a few songs I heard, they also had a live band playing some of this crap.
The “Take on me song” Take on me, take me on, take me on wawaduaooooo Sucks!
“Walk like an Egyptian” Sucks! They played songs from The Cure that I don’t know by name, they all suck. Early Madonna, sucks. That “ Don’t you forget about me song” from that crappy breakfast club movie sucks. I could go on and on. If you grew up in the eighties I feel your pain. They did play some early Michael Jackson that I don’t hate, the Mamase mamama mamama fu sa song isn’t bad, but I keep on waiting for Rihana’s voice and “Please don’t stop the music” after that.

I hate going to the bathroom at sporting events, you always miss out on the good stuff. My brother missed out on a 3 run hommer while peeing. I must have a very large bladder because when I’m drinking I can hold it in for a while before I have to go. I would say the average man pees 3 times before I have to go. I always unload before the game is over if I don’t by the time I get to the car I’ll be ready to explode.
What sucks is that I always seem to bet on the wrong horses. When you walk into the bathroom at a sporting event there’s like 10 lines of guys waiting to take a leek, I always seem to pick the line with the slowest peers. I’ve tried several different formulas, I first walk in and look at the size of the men (that sounded kind of gay) I pick the line with the thinner shorter men because I figure they’ll pee faster. Well, I’m always wrong, all the other lines are moving along much faster then mine. I’ve also tried picking the line with the biggest men, that doesn’t work either. I’ve also tried waiting for a toilet, the lines for the toilets are always shorter then the pee line but my luck always sucks! The other toilet lines are moving along but I have to be standing on the line where everyone is taking a shit. There’s no real way to tell which line would be the fastest. Next time I’m asking them “Excuse me Sir, how many beers did you drink since your last pee?”

Are there some kind of special pants I could get? I know someone must have already invented some kind of pants that attach to your “love muscle” with some kind of plastic lining or bag for pee storage. It would be good for sporting events and long road trips.

17 comments:

Brian o vretanos said...

FIrst!

Brian o vretanos said...

There's no reason why you couldn't rig up something with pipes and bags, but I wouldn't like to risk anything breaking or leaking. You could try drinking less.

There does seem to be a large variation either in bladder sizes or in the amount of fluid that actually ends up there. I hate using public toilets, and luckily I don't need to as often as most people I've ever drank beer with.

Brian o vretanos said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Bee said...

Dude! You are hilarious!! When I go to ball games I hold it like there's no tomorrow. No way am I going to the bathrooms in ballparks. blech!

I was just telling Andy that the effed up my song "Don't You Forget About me" by using it with that crappy breakfast movie. The song is good, the movie is bad.

You should tell people how you lost your undies in a Blackhawks game.

Dan said...

Brian
I gonna need a really big pipe.
Drinking less is not an option.

Bee
That songs sucks as much as the movie.
I can't write about the Blackhawks anymore because you just gave them the punch line you dumbass.

Tracy said...

Why do guys crap everywhere? I mean seriously at the ball game? When I was younger I used to have to leave school early, faking illness, just so I could go home to go...make. When Chris and I were dating and I would spend the night, I used to wake up and say that I had to go home because I forgot something just so that I could go....make. And now, I can't go anywhere else but my house, Chris can't be home, and the kids have to leave me alone...all so I can go...make.
And you guys are just dumping away at the ballpark. Guys suck.

When I was working as a nurse there actually was this thing that you could use that would be perfect for you. There were pipes, bags, the whole thing. You just can't crap in it.

Tracy said...

And I happen to like all of those songs that you said suck Dan! I grew up in the 80s. And I thought that song in the Breakfast Club was romantic.

There, I said it.

Marie said...

You tell them Tracy those songs are great and I LOVE Breakfast Club.

Dan said...

Tracy
You got problems, everyone does it so why hide from it.
you're from the 90's I think you were too young to be considered
80's, leave the 80's to the old people like Bee and Brian.

Marie
The movie is horrible, please don't make me watch it again.

Bee said...

Dan, in 2 weeks when my momma comes home, I. Am. Gonna. Kick. Your. Ass.

Jean Knee said...

hey!! I'm the oldest one here what about my growing up in the 80's? I know more about it than all of ya'll.

did you really mean The Cure suck?

Nancy27 said...

Get a Catheter... You wont even have to actually even have to do any effort it will just take the pee out.

After I got the drugs to have the baby... wait TMI right?

Lets just say that Big Tex was keeping a close eye on my pee bag and would ask me if I felt it when I went. He said he would like to have one for himself ALWAYS...

Nancy27 said...

Oh yeah and......

AAAAAAWWWWWWWWW!!! Dan feels safe when his big brother is around... How cute!

Rhonda said...

Those special pants you want are called Depends...and lucky you can pee and poop in them. :)

I'm a child of the 80's, so I guess I'm an old f*cker like Bee and Brian, but I am not real fond of the music either. My husband loves it and even makes me listen to the 80's station on XM radio. Ugh.

Dan said...

Jean
Yeah they suck !

Ronda
That would never hold.

Brian o vretanos said...

Dan:

I notice that space-ship builders are looking for large contributions of urine, so once you've built your contraption with pipes and tanks you might want to get in touch with them:

Rocket Scientists Need Urine

Avodrock said...

I had a great time at the game, and I also enjoyed the music. The song from The Cure was called "Just Like Heaven", and is actually one of my favorite songs.

And yes, as your brother, I will always have your back, as I know you will always have my back, just like when we were kids.

SC