So, I was finally able to get my used bike of Craig’s List. It’s a Iron Horse something Mountain Bike. The Wife and I went biking today and I have a few tips for all you future bikers.
1) Look for loose change while biking, I collected a total of 10 cents while on the road today. If I’m lucky enough to find this amount every time I go out, the bike will pay for itself on my 1,000th trip.
2) While on the road don’t spit forward, you should lean your head down and spit towards the floor. The wind can be a real son of a bitch and send that spit back to your face.
3) Make sure the seat is the proper size, the previous owner of this bike was a tiny tiny woman who sold it because it was too big for her, she must have changed the original seat, that sucker is small.
4) Don’t get all excited and go to far, remember you still have to bike back home. Half way back home I wanted to throw up. I’m glad I didn’t cause my dumb ass would have probably thrown up forward against the wind.
5) Watch out for attacking birds, some guy in Chicago was attacked by a bird and fell off his bike, he’s dead now. The guy, not the bird. The bird is probably still flying around shitting on peoples cars. I hate birds! that’s all they’re good for, shitting on peoples cars and killing bikers.
6) Don't bike too much cause it's bad for the "huevos" if you think I'm full of crap just ask Lance Armstrong. Arm strong but weak balls.
When The Wife heard the news about the dead guy she asked me to buy a helmet. I don’t want to because I’ll look like an English cigarette it. Although I do want to get some stretchy biker shorts.