Sunday, July 13, 2008

Biker Dan

So, I was finally able to get my used bike of Craig’s List. It’s a Iron Horse something Mountain Bike. The Wife and I went biking today and I have a few tips for all you future bikers.

1) Look for loose change while biking, I collected a total of 10 cents while on the road today. If I’m lucky enough to find this amount every time I go out, the bike will pay for itself on my 1,000th trip.

2) While on the road don’t spit forward, you should lean your head down and spit towards the floor. The wind can be a real son of a bitch and send that spit back to your face.

3) Make sure the seat is the proper size, the previous owner of this bike was a tiny tiny woman who sold it because it was too big for her, she must have changed the original seat, that sucker is small.

4) Don’t get all excited and go to far, remember you still have to bike back home. Half way back home I wanted to throw up. I’m glad I didn’t cause my dumb ass would have probably thrown up forward against the wind.

5) Watch out for attacking birds, some guy in Chicago was attacked by a bird and fell off his bike, he’s dead now. The guy, not the bird. The bird is probably still flying around shitting on peoples cars. I hate birds! that’s all they’re good for, shitting on peoples cars and killing bikers.

6) Don't bike too much cause it's bad for the "huevos" if you think I'm full of crap just ask Lance Armstrong. Arm strong but weak balls.

When The Wife heard the news about the dead guy she asked me to buy a helmet. I don’t want to because I’ll look like an English cigarette it. Although I do want to get some stretchy biker shorts.


Bee said...

Bird 1
Random bikers 0

Dan said...

thatwas fast, I'm adding a sixth.
Check back in a few.

Bee said...

When I read this, I was eating an orange and the juice nearly squirted outta my nose!

Ha ha! You bought your bike from a chick! You are so a English cigarette-it!!

Brian o vretanos said...

You definitely need the appropriate headgear, because looking stupid is a very important part of cycling, and the helmet will top the whole look off beautifully.

They have a major problem with seagulls in some of the places round here. There was one that used to attack people in a carpark. There's probably laws about killing them, so they coat the eggs with some chemical that stops them hatching.

Have you seen the film "The Birds"?

Dan said...

So what? It's a man bike, that's why she sold it.

I have seen it but it was funny to me not scary.
Why don't they just step on the eggs? seems less complicated. What do they do if they run out of birth control chemical and have one egg left to spray?

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

If you were keeping an eye out for the birds instead of keeping an eye out looking for change, you might avoid the bird crap dive bomb scenarios. Unless you're wall-eyed, then I recant my statement.

Why am I not getting the cigarette-it reference?

Esmeralda said...

To add to your list:

Look out for IDIOTS in parked cars who DO NOT look in their mirror before they open their door. A few weeks ago a biker crashed into the suddenly opened door, flew off his bike and unfortunately got hit by a car (and died).

We should all get together and go for a ride. I even have a dog basket that I bought online for Nieves-she loves it. You have to get one for Nikki.

Jean Knee said...

I haven't ridden a bike in a billion years. I don't know if I'd make it down our street.

glad you didn't hurl

Dan said...

Nanny goat
A cig in England is called a fag, since it's not PC to say that I use English cigarette-it.
Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Any time just let me know, where did you get the basket?
Did they charge that person with anything?

Jinksy said...

Didn't Lance Armstrong cure himself of nutsack cancer just before he split up with Sheryl Crow?

What an ass.

Tracy said...


Ha! I caught it this time!
I didn't know I was 11th on Brians but I do now cause I am!

Tracy said...

Here's a totally unrelated story but when I was little I used to go camping with my grandparents. My grandma had never learned how to ride a traditional bike so she had an adult sized tricycle. And that puppy had the biggest seat on it that I had ever seen. Then she made a cover for it like you see on peoples toilets. That thing rocked.

Maybe you could get one of those cool biker helmets with the spikes on the top. That would protect you from random birds and you would still get to look cool.

Dan said...

I would hate to call cutting off a ball a cure.

I love the idea of adjusting a toilet seat on the bike!!
You or your grandma was brilliant!

Andy said...

They say you never forget how to ride a bike, & thats true. You just have to remember a few things if you take a long break (YEARS) from your last ride.

1)You don't last as long.

2)You will be really sore afterwards.

3)People laugh at your lack of riding prowess.

4)Odds are you don't fit into your biking shorts anymore.




Marie said...

I was hoping to drop a few pounds with our new bikes, but now I’m worried about attacking birds, opening car doors, finding loose change, and my husband looking like an English Cigarette. I think I'll rollerblade instead.

The Wife

Rhonda said...

I need your wife to come motivate me to exercise...rollerblading, bike riding, what's next?

And please quit looking for change...that can't be safe. I will put a dime aside every time you go for a ride, and maybe one day you can afford to buy that pillow from me.