So, I started my new job, happy to no longer have to deal with the bosses wife but at the same time a little sad. Did I fail? Sad because I did meet a lot of good people who I’ll most likely never see again. Oh well, life goes on.
Most of the work force at the new place received me well, however there’s a few guys who I know are going to give me a hard time, the who are you to be telling me what to do type. The I’ve been here for fifteen years and I’ll be dammed if some new guy is going to tell me how to do my job type. No big deal, I’ve dealt with these people before. I’ll just have to lay the smack down on their monkey asses, they better know their roll and shut their mouths! ( those of you who were wrestling fans in the late nineties will recognize those sayings ) I’ll call these people Jabronies.
One of the Jabronies had to surrender his office to me, this guy was not happy. I guess I understand but he’s pissed off at the wrong guy here, you got a problem with it go speak to the owner. I was surprised and happy when I saw my old boss their (the one who’s father died) he was also going to work for this company as a part time commission sales guy. Looks like plenty of Sox and Cubs tickets will be coming my way after all. My old boss sure built me up to my new boss “He’s worth every penny, he won’t let you down”
“He’s worth his weight in gold and has a nice ass”. Just kidding about the nice ass part, I just felt the need to mention that I have a nice ass….or so the wife tells me.
After a few days most everyone now considers me a part of the team and see the value that I bring to the company, along with my nice ass. All except for the Jobroni that lost his office, he has a couple of guys on his side. They think he’s getting screwed, how can they do this to him? He’s been here for twelve years! Why give his office to the new guy!
I’m not too worried about them because I know that as time goes by they will get to like me and admire my ass as well.
A couple of more days go by and their attitude has only gotten worse, I start to wonder if I’ll be able to win them over, maybe my ass isn’t that firm anymore, I should do some squats when I get home. Maybe they’ll hate me longer then I expected.
One day as I was walking thru the top floor (there are 5 floors) I get cornered by the 3 Jabronies, they threaten me and tell me I’m not wanted there. One of them starts to poor gasoline on the floor, the other lights a match and drops it. I’m locked inside, no way out!
All this over a stupid office, I start to look everywhere for an exit, I find a chair and break a window, most of the building is in flames now but somehow I manage to escape. The wife calls me “Are you ok?” News of the fire is all over the TV.
As I’m walking towards paramedics I see two of my former co-workers.
I should have never taken this job.
This is about the time my alarm went off. Is this a sign? What does it mean?
Does anyone think that dreams can help make real life decisions?
The wife said that it’s because I feel guilty about leaving my job.
My second interview is next week.
Sunday, March 30, 2008
Friday, March 28, 2008
Part 2, The Conclusion
So, where did I leave you? Oh yeah, Ramon’s been asking me for her home phone. Of course I told him I couldn’t give it to him. Since there is always two sides to every story I got Ale’s side next.
She says that after the wife(not my wife, Ramon’s wife) called her she hasn’t picked up the phone anymore. Seems like Ramon is now blaming her for everything, he left messages calling her a Puta, this is the worst insult for a woman, it means whore but in Spanish it’s much much wose. He saying things like “You ruined my marriage PUTA”.
Now Ale is extremely pissed off and saying things like “He got busted and trying to blame it all on me, he should man up and deal with it, I don’t know why he’s playing the victim”
Seems like Ramon told his wife there’s this girl at work who won’t leave him alone, his wife isn’t stupid and knows he’s full of shit but now he’s has to stick to his story so what does he do?
He and his wife take a drive to Ale’s house, he knows that her husband works nights and he’s home with the kids in the morning while she’s at work. Ramon and his wife go to the husband and tell him that Ale is causing problems for their marriage.
What a Punk.
I understand that he’s trying to save his marriage and that he had to stick to the story but once he was in front of the girls house he should have come clean. She called your bluff, you lose.
So now the husband is all pissed off and calls her here at work, she of course is all hysterical and crying, during lunch one of her friends came to me and told me what was going on, as they were going back to work Ale asked if I could talk to her husband and tell him nothing happened. Now I have no idea why she would want me to get involved, as she’s asking me I think to myself “Is she crazy?? why would I want to get involved in this crap???!!!”…… So I grab the phone and tell the husband nothing happened, this guy is having problems with his wife and is looking for someone to blame. The husband asked me why didn’t she tell him there was some guy harassing her at work, I would have gone over there and beat the shit out of him he said. I told him that maybe she didn’t want to cause any problems. He then asked me for his last name and address, of course I told him no.
So now Ale and her husband have major problems, after work they call Ramon and his wife, the four of them are on speaker. Ale’s husband is furious and asked if they did it, they both deny ever bumping pelvises. Ale’s husband then tells Ramon he’s coming after him, I’m going to beat the shit out of you he said.
Later that day Ramon called me and asked that I don’t give Ale his address. He says he’s getting a restraining order and that his marriage is over.
I can’t help but feel sorry for Ramon, he just kept on digging his own grave. He’s about to lose everything for a few phone calls. I wish he would of at least gotten laid.
All that being said if I switch jobs again and I need someone I can trust he’ll be the first one I call. He’s my right hand man at work, what do I care about his personal life.
She says that after the wife(not my wife, Ramon’s wife) called her she hasn’t picked up the phone anymore. Seems like Ramon is now blaming her for everything, he left messages calling her a Puta, this is the worst insult for a woman, it means whore but in Spanish it’s much much wose. He saying things like “You ruined my marriage PUTA”.
Now Ale is extremely pissed off and saying things like “He got busted and trying to blame it all on me, he should man up and deal with it, I don’t know why he’s playing the victim”
Seems like Ramon told his wife there’s this girl at work who won’t leave him alone, his wife isn’t stupid and knows he’s full of shit but now he’s has to stick to his story so what does he do?
He and his wife take a drive to Ale’s house, he knows that her husband works nights and he’s home with the kids in the morning while she’s at work. Ramon and his wife go to the husband and tell him that Ale is causing problems for their marriage.
What a Punk.
I understand that he’s trying to save his marriage and that he had to stick to the story but once he was in front of the girls house he should have come clean. She called your bluff, you lose.
So now the husband is all pissed off and calls her here at work, she of course is all hysterical and crying, during lunch one of her friends came to me and told me what was going on, as they were going back to work Ale asked if I could talk to her husband and tell him nothing happened. Now I have no idea why she would want me to get involved, as she’s asking me I think to myself “Is she crazy?? why would I want to get involved in this crap???!!!”…… So I grab the phone and tell the husband nothing happened, this guy is having problems with his wife and is looking for someone to blame. The husband asked me why didn’t she tell him there was some guy harassing her at work, I would have gone over there and beat the shit out of him he said. I told him that maybe she didn’t want to cause any problems. He then asked me for his last name and address, of course I told him no.
So now Ale and her husband have major problems, after work they call Ramon and his wife, the four of them are on speaker. Ale’s husband is furious and asked if they did it, they both deny ever bumping pelvises. Ale’s husband then tells Ramon he’s coming after him, I’m going to beat the shit out of you he said.
Later that day Ramon called me and asked that I don’t give Ale his address. He says he’s getting a restraining order and that his marriage is over.
I can’t help but feel sorry for Ramon, he just kept on digging his own grave. He’s about to lose everything for a few phone calls. I wish he would of at least gotten laid.
All that being said if I switch jobs again and I need someone I can trust he’ll be the first one I call. He’s my right hand man at work, what do I care about his personal life.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Caught in the middle Part 1
So, I have some drama at work. I have a work friend who worked with me in the tannery, when that closed down he and I worked for my brother while I was “between jobs”, we were doing house demolition, drywall and all that remodeling stuff. He’s a very hard working guy (that’s why I recommended him to my brother) I’ve always thought very highly of him, you know that saying, “if you’re in a war and stuck in a cubbie hole who would you want by your side? Well other then my brothers he’s on the short list. Actually, now that I’ve given it some thought I don’t want my brothers either, I’d rather have someone like Batman and the Hulk. Sorry Serge but Batman would kick some major ass.
Ok, back to my story. When I got hired at my current place I gave him a job, so in a way I’ve looked after this guy.
His name is Ramon, Ramon is married with 2 kids. He’s been hitting on a girl that works here for quite some time, a different girl from here gave him her number and he’s been calling her. Now, its not harassment, the girl also seemed to like him too, by the way she is also married with a couple of kids. Often they would hang out during breaks and lunch, every now and then he would give me updates on his pursuit. I’m have to admit I would come up to him and ask “So, what’s going on there, did you do her yet?”
I also made fun of him and told him he had no game. I was just busting his balls, that’s all guy talk.
One day he didn’t show up for work so I called him and he said:
I can’t work there anymore, I have to start looking for a job as a truck driver.
He’d been going to driving school to obtain a CDL license so once he got it it made sense to look for a driving job.
No problem I told him.
Well. It turns out that his wife saw a strange number all over their cell phone bill and she got suspicious. She called using his cell phone and to her surprise it was Ale.
The wife asked her what business did she have with her husband and she said:
“I have nothing to do with your husband, he’s the one calling me”
Now Ramon’s wife asked him for a divorce !!!!!!!!!!
I think she’s being too dramatic, the wife (my wife) said she should dump him.
The wife (my wife) says that he cheated on her just by doing that. I totally disagree, I don’t think she should dump him over this. I don’t consider a few phone calls cheating.
Now Ramon called me and he wants me to give him Ale’s home phone because she no longer picks up her cell.
So I gave him her home phone and …….I’m just kidding, I didn’t give him her home phone.
That’s all the time I got for today but this story began on Monday and its gotten so much better.
To be continued….
Ok, back to my story. When I got hired at my current place I gave him a job, so in a way I’ve looked after this guy.
His name is Ramon, Ramon is married with 2 kids. He’s been hitting on a girl that works here for quite some time, a different girl from here gave him her number and he’s been calling her. Now, its not harassment, the girl also seemed to like him too, by the way she is also married with a couple of kids. Often they would hang out during breaks and lunch, every now and then he would give me updates on his pursuit. I’m have to admit I would come up to him and ask “So, what’s going on there, did you do her yet?”
I also made fun of him and told him he had no game. I was just busting his balls, that’s all guy talk.
One day he didn’t show up for work so I called him and he said:
I can’t work there anymore, I have to start looking for a job as a truck driver.
He’d been going to driving school to obtain a CDL license so once he got it it made sense to look for a driving job.
No problem I told him.
Well. It turns out that his wife saw a strange number all over their cell phone bill and she got suspicious. She called using his cell phone and to her surprise it was Ale.
The wife asked her what business did she have with her husband and she said:
“I have nothing to do with your husband, he’s the one calling me”
Now Ramon’s wife asked him for a divorce !!!!!!!!!!
I think she’s being too dramatic, the wife (my wife) said she should dump him.
The wife (my wife) says that he cheated on her just by doing that. I totally disagree, I don’t think she should dump him over this. I don’t consider a few phone calls cheating.
Now Ramon called me and he wants me to give him Ale’s home phone because she no longer picks up her cell.
So I gave him her home phone and …….I’m just kidding, I didn’t give him her home phone.
That’s all the time I got for today but this story began on Monday and its gotten so much better.
To be continued….
Friday, March 21, 2008
Nut kicker
So, I got a call yesterday from the company that I interviewed with about a month ago. At first I didn’t think I would switch jobs but now I can’t wait! They want me to come in first week in April for a second interview, the owner is going on vacation.
The hatred I feel for my bosses wife is more than I can stand. Just the mere sight of her makes my blood boil.
I’d like to thank all the people who volunteered to beat her up for me, you guys all had my back and I’d like you to know that if anything were to happen to any of you I’d be there for you too.
Bee, if you’re having problems with one of the Bats let me know and I’ll take care of them. I don’t care how old and batty they are I’ll kick them in the nuts!
Brian, you didn’t offer to beat her up for me but I’m thinking it was because you figured it wasn’t necessary since so many other people had already volunteered. Either way if there is someone calling you a geek or a trekkie (wait that was me ) I’ll kick them in the nuts!
Jean Knee, is Mr. Cockadodo getting out of line? Let me know and I’ll kick him in the nuts.
Tracy, got some stinky real estate agent you want me to kick in the nuts?
Marisol, don’t know much about you but I’ll be happy to kick someone in the nuts for you.
Stephanie, I hear you’re having problems with your boss, give me his address and I’ll hunt him down and kick him in the nuts!
The wife, you want me to kick someone in the nuts for you, other then me?
I’m in a nut kicking mood today so you better be nice.
I was thinking of what to tell my boss if I were to get an offer, what reason should I give or should I just tell him the truth?
Should I say something like:
“Listen, I like the job but I want to kick your wife in the nuts”
Or should I make up a story, I can tell him I’m moving to Mexico, or that I’m suddenly allergic to the chemicals used at the factory. I’ve never quit a job in my adult life so I’m not to sure how to handle the situation.
Should I give notice or quit as soon as I get an offer? What would be proper notice? 2 weeks? One month?
I think I’m going with something like:
“Sorry, but you of all people should understand just how annoying your wife is. I can’t take it anymore. I must put an end to the Chinese water torture, would you like me to kick her in the nuts for you?”
I feel bad for all the workers, once I’m gone they will continue to be abused. You know before I got there they weren’t allowed to have water by their work stations because according to her the more they drink the more they’ll have to pee. Most of the workers are people with limited options and job opportunities so they have to put up with her shit,
The hatred I feel for my bosses wife is more than I can stand. Just the mere sight of her makes my blood boil.
I’d like to thank all the people who volunteered to beat her up for me, you guys all had my back and I’d like you to know that if anything were to happen to any of you I’d be there for you too.
Bee, if you’re having problems with one of the Bats let me know and I’ll take care of them. I don’t care how old and batty they are I’ll kick them in the nuts!
Brian, you didn’t offer to beat her up for me but I’m thinking it was because you figured it wasn’t necessary since so many other people had already volunteered. Either way if there is someone calling you a geek or a trekkie (wait that was me ) I’ll kick them in the nuts!
Jean Knee, is Mr. Cockadodo getting out of line? Let me know and I’ll kick him in the nuts.
Tracy, got some stinky real estate agent you want me to kick in the nuts?
Marisol, don’t know much about you but I’ll be happy to kick someone in the nuts for you.
Stephanie, I hear you’re having problems with your boss, give me his address and I’ll hunt him down and kick him in the nuts!
The wife, you want me to kick someone in the nuts for you, other then me?
I’m in a nut kicking mood today so you better be nice.
I was thinking of what to tell my boss if I were to get an offer, what reason should I give or should I just tell him the truth?
Should I say something like:
“Listen, I like the job but I want to kick your wife in the nuts”
Or should I make up a story, I can tell him I’m moving to Mexico, or that I’m suddenly allergic to the chemicals used at the factory. I’ve never quit a job in my adult life so I’m not to sure how to handle the situation.
Should I give notice or quit as soon as I get an offer? What would be proper notice? 2 weeks? One month?
I think I’m going with something like:
“Sorry, but you of all people should understand just how annoying your wife is. I can’t take it anymore. I must put an end to the Chinese water torture, would you like me to kick her in the nuts for you?”
I feel bad for all the workers, once I’m gone they will continue to be abused. You know before I got there they weren’t allowed to have water by their work stations because according to her the more they drink the more they’ll have to pee. Most of the workers are people with limited options and job opportunities so they have to put up with her shit,
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
My bosses wife is a stupid bitch
So, its been a week since my last post and I would like to apologize to the people for taking so long.
It is for you, the people that I do this blog, the people complained about going to my blog and seeing the title “Maxin’s Cherry” over and over again. Sorry people, I’ve been kind of distracted and busy at work so I haven’t had much time. Amanda is having final exams and is in need of the computer/desk so I haven’t been able to do it from home.
Ok, now that that’s out of the way let me begin.
This is a disclaimer to all the people who find foul language offensive.
If you are offended by the following words please do not continue reading:
Bitch, Fucken Bitch, Slut, Hoe, Piece of Shit Bitch, Stupid fucken bitch.
Now for those of you who are still here I’m about to vent for a while, yea, yea I know you all have your own problems bla, bla, bla I know you usually come here to laugh at me but today is not funny post day.
My bosses wife is a Fucken stupid bitch slut, piece of shit hoe. I hate her so much I would like to ki…….ck her ass.
She is the most annoying person I will ever meet in all my lives. She insults my intelligence, work ethic, honesty, trustworthiness, integrity and decision making every time she’s here.
She always overstates the obvious, she will ask me question and then later ask all the employees the same just to confirm that I’m not lying. She will contradict orders I give without consulting me. Why are you doing A instead of B, when I do B then it becomes, why are you doing B instead of A? I pick my battles with her but I’ve had enough of her shit!
My company has two locations, yesterday I called the foremen of the other location to check how many hours they had worked. I know they are only supposed to work 40hrs. a week but since I’ve been here we always call just to confirm my assistant usually calls but she wasn’t here yesterday. Someone could have been late or left early one day, called in sick, or whatever. Unfortunately she picks up the phone so I tell her, “ I was just calling to get the hours from last week”
Well don’t you know?
No, I don’t, that’s why I’m calling.
Well you’re the manager, you’re supposed to know how many hours they work.
Yes, I agree with you and that is exactly the purpose of this phone call, so that I do know.
So you don’t know!??!
No, I don’t can I talk to the foreman?
Well, no one is working overtime so they all have 40hrs.
Ok, 40 it is.
I have to put up with this kind of stuff several times a day, its not like I can go tell her to fuck herself after all she is the owners wife. We are currently moving to a different location, a truck is going back and forth with the equipment. Monday she was present while we were loading the truck. We had just begun to load when she came over and was like, “ put that on the truck, and that, and that” she then follows the truck to where it's being unloaded and announces to all the people working there.
“If it wasn’t for me, none of this stuff would have made it on the truck, Dan doesn’t bother loading anything on the truck, he would have sent it half full if I hadn’t been there” so now I got all the people calling me telling me what’s she’s saying.
How stupid does she think I am?
She’ll say things behind my back like “Dan isn’t one third of what our last manager was”
This is insulting to me, I’ve made so many improvements! Seems like she needs to see everyone running like a chicken with its head cut off to be happy.
I should mention that I’m like the 10th person to have this position, according to all the workers all the previous managers have quit because they all hated her. That’s too bad for my boss because he’s a really cool guy. I’d trade her for all the bats in a heartbeat.
By the way Bee, thanks for putting the “I’m fuking Matt Damon” song in my head. I was singing it the whole day yesterday. One guy asked me “Your fucking what?”
I’m fucking cold, its cold in here.
It is for you, the people that I do this blog, the people complained about going to my blog and seeing the title “Maxin’s Cherry” over and over again. Sorry people, I’ve been kind of distracted and busy at work so I haven’t had much time. Amanda is having final exams and is in need of the computer/desk so I haven’t been able to do it from home.
Ok, now that that’s out of the way let me begin.
This is a disclaimer to all the people who find foul language offensive.
If you are offended by the following words please do not continue reading:
Bitch, Fucken Bitch, Slut, Hoe, Piece of Shit Bitch, Stupid fucken bitch.
Now for those of you who are still here I’m about to vent for a while, yea, yea I know you all have your own problems bla, bla, bla I know you usually come here to laugh at me but today is not funny post day.
My bosses wife is a Fucken stupid bitch slut, piece of shit hoe. I hate her so much I would like to ki…….ck her ass.
She is the most annoying person I will ever meet in all my lives. She insults my intelligence, work ethic, honesty, trustworthiness, integrity and decision making every time she’s here.
She always overstates the obvious, she will ask me question and then later ask all the employees the same just to confirm that I’m not lying. She will contradict orders I give without consulting me. Why are you doing A instead of B, when I do B then it becomes, why are you doing B instead of A? I pick my battles with her but I’ve had enough of her shit!
My company has two locations, yesterday I called the foremen of the other location to check how many hours they had worked. I know they are only supposed to work 40hrs. a week but since I’ve been here we always call just to confirm my assistant usually calls but she wasn’t here yesterday. Someone could have been late or left early one day, called in sick, or whatever. Unfortunately she picks up the phone so I tell her, “ I was just calling to get the hours from last week”
Well don’t you know?
No, I don’t, that’s why I’m calling.
Well you’re the manager, you’re supposed to know how many hours they work.
Yes, I agree with you and that is exactly the purpose of this phone call, so that I do know.
So you don’t know!??!
No, I don’t can I talk to the foreman?
Well, no one is working overtime so they all have 40hrs.
Ok, 40 it is.
I have to put up with this kind of stuff several times a day, its not like I can go tell her to fuck herself after all she is the owners wife. We are currently moving to a different location, a truck is going back and forth with the equipment. Monday she was present while we were loading the truck. We had just begun to load when she came over and was like, “ put that on the truck, and that, and that” she then follows the truck to where it's being unloaded and announces to all the people working there.
“If it wasn’t for me, none of this stuff would have made it on the truck, Dan doesn’t bother loading anything on the truck, he would have sent it half full if I hadn’t been there” so now I got all the people calling me telling me what’s she’s saying.
How stupid does she think I am?
She’ll say things behind my back like “Dan isn’t one third of what our last manager was”
This is insulting to me, I’ve made so many improvements! Seems like she needs to see everyone running like a chicken with its head cut off to be happy.
I should mention that I’m like the 10th person to have this position, according to all the workers all the previous managers have quit because they all hated her. That’s too bad for my boss because he’s a really cool guy. I’d trade her for all the bats in a heartbeat.
By the way Bee, thanks for putting the “I’m fuking Matt Damon” song in my head. I was singing it the whole day yesterday. One guy asked me “Your fucking what?”
I’m fucking cold, its cold in here.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Maxine's Cherry
So, the wife is due for a new car. She’s had hers for over ten years and since I got mine last year it’s her turn. We’re not getting it until next year but we’re currently doing our research. Yesterday we went to a Nissan dealer to check out the new 2 door Altima.
It’s very nice and sporty, just what she’s looking for. Of course the typical pushy salesman hounded us and the term “what do I need to do to earn your business today” was used about 2,450,545 times. The Altima seems to be her car of choice; she even named him “Patrick” already.
Patrick was the main topic of conversation the rest of the night, we discussed price, gas mileage, financing and all other things related to buying a car. Eventually the garage space topic came up and we talked about how we’d have both cars in the garage.
The wife then said, “Patrick is going to bust Maxine’s cherry”
I said “No he’s not”
Yeah he is, she said.
Suddenly I’m not liking this Patrick idea anymore!!!! The thought of Maxine having car sex with Patrick is really pissing me off!!!
I have these images of him screwing Maxine that I have not been able to get out of my head, it’s driving me crazy. Is there some kind of chastity belt thing for cars? If not I’m going to invent one.
I’m pretty sure Maxine is still a virgin because she currently shares a garage with the wife’s Kia, Maxine is a Cadillac and there’s no way she would put out for a freaking Kia. But I am worried about this Patrick, the new car smell, fancy new tires and shiny rims. Ahhhh I can’t….no….don’t….the horror !!!!! Dam you Patrick!!! Dam the day you were built!!!!
That’s it!!!
Patrick is going to be parked on the street!
On the rare occasions when I let Patrick sleep in the garage, I’m going to leave the light on and come in without warning. I’ll walk on my tippy toes if I have to.
Is this going to happen anyway?
Despite all my efforts is she going to eventually put out?
Maybe I should just resign myself that it’s going to happen. Maybe I should just pop her cherry myself so I can at least have that over him. I can look him straight in the headlights and say “I was her first”.
Yeah, that’s the perfect solution, when I get home today I’m going to give her a good wash. Park her in the garage, light a candle or two, pop some sensuous music in her CD player, Fiona Apple’s “Give me the first taste” is one of my favorite get layed songs and then remove her gas cap and get busy.
JA-JA-JA how’d you like that Patrick? I’m tapping that muffler too.
I wonder if that would improve my gas mileage? If it does I could become an instant millionaire due to my high testosterone levels. I should buy some advertising space on my own blog, $5.99 a quart.
It’s very nice and sporty, just what she’s looking for. Of course the typical pushy salesman hounded us and the term “what do I need to do to earn your business today” was used about 2,450,545 times. The Altima seems to be her car of choice; she even named him “Patrick” already.
Patrick was the main topic of conversation the rest of the night, we discussed price, gas mileage, financing and all other things related to buying a car. Eventually the garage space topic came up and we talked about how we’d have both cars in the garage.
The wife then said, “Patrick is going to bust Maxine’s cherry”
I said “No he’s not”
Yeah he is, she said.
Suddenly I’m not liking this Patrick idea anymore!!!! The thought of Maxine having car sex with Patrick is really pissing me off!!!
I have these images of him screwing Maxine that I have not been able to get out of my head, it’s driving me crazy. Is there some kind of chastity belt thing for cars? If not I’m going to invent one.
I’m pretty sure Maxine is still a virgin because she currently shares a garage with the wife’s Kia, Maxine is a Cadillac and there’s no way she would put out for a freaking Kia. But I am worried about this Patrick, the new car smell, fancy new tires and shiny rims. Ahhhh I can’t….no….don’t….the horror !!!!! Dam you Patrick!!! Dam the day you were built!!!!
That’s it!!!
Patrick is going to be parked on the street!
On the rare occasions when I let Patrick sleep in the garage, I’m going to leave the light on and come in without warning. I’ll walk on my tippy toes if I have to.
Is this going to happen anyway?
Despite all my efforts is she going to eventually put out?
Maybe I should just resign myself that it’s going to happen. Maybe I should just pop her cherry myself so I can at least have that over him. I can look him straight in the headlights and say “I was her first”.
Yeah, that’s the perfect solution, when I get home today I’m going to give her a good wash. Park her in the garage, light a candle or two, pop some sensuous music in her CD player, Fiona Apple’s “Give me the first taste” is one of my favorite get layed songs and then remove her gas cap and get busy.
JA-JA-JA how’d you like that Patrick? I’m tapping that muffler too.
I wonder if that would improve my gas mileage? If it does I could become an instant millionaire due to my high testosterone levels. I should buy some advertising space on my own blog, $5.99 a quart.
Monday, March 10, 2008
Bad Taste Post
So, I got an e-mail on Saturday about my former bosses father dying. He was about 96 years old and been in a nursing home for the last couple of years. He also worked with me and up until 92 he drove himself to work everyday. That’s pretty impressive.
My old boss is a huge sports fan, he has season tickets to the Cubs, Sox and Blackhawks.
While I was working with him he always gave me tickets, almost once a week. Since I left my old job we kind of lost contact with each other so tickets have been fewer and farther between.
Now is it wrong form me to want to attend this funeral so that I may sneak in sports comments like. “Sorry your dad is dead, he was blessed with a long life, if you have any extra tickets this year give me a call”
How about these.
“Need some help with the casket? Got any extra tickets?
“He’s in a better place now, death is inevitable, what do you think about the new Cubs player?”
“Nice reception, the casket is beautiful, sooooo, huuuhhh, you going to any baseball games this year?”
“Hey were you planning on taking your dad to any games this year? Can I take his spot?”
If you guys have any better ways to bring up sports and tickets let me know.
I heard on the radio this morning that a hair stylist got shot yesterday for a bad hair cut.
That’s not funny at all…..ok, it’s a little funny. She got shot in the back while trying to run, she’s not dead. How is this woman ever going to work again, would you want to get your hair cut by the stylist that got shot for giving a bad haircut? She needs to find a new job. How can someone suck so bad at their job to provoke someone to shoot at them.
My old boss is a huge sports fan, he has season tickets to the Cubs, Sox and Blackhawks.
While I was working with him he always gave me tickets, almost once a week. Since I left my old job we kind of lost contact with each other so tickets have been fewer and farther between.
Now is it wrong form me to want to attend this funeral so that I may sneak in sports comments like. “Sorry your dad is dead, he was blessed with a long life, if you have any extra tickets this year give me a call”
How about these.
“Need some help with the casket? Got any extra tickets?
“He’s in a better place now, death is inevitable, what do you think about the new Cubs player?”
“Nice reception, the casket is beautiful, sooooo, huuuhhh, you going to any baseball games this year?”
“Hey were you planning on taking your dad to any games this year? Can I take his spot?”
If you guys have any better ways to bring up sports and tickets let me know.
I heard on the radio this morning that a hair stylist got shot yesterday for a bad hair cut.
That’s not funny at all…..ok, it’s a little funny. She got shot in the back while trying to run, she’s not dead. How is this woman ever going to work again, would you want to get your hair cut by the stylist that got shot for giving a bad haircut? She needs to find a new job. How can someone suck so bad at their job to provoke someone to shoot at them.
Friday, March 7, 2008
Careful what you ask for
So a couple of days ago the wife was doing some work around the house, dishes, cooking or something, you know the normal wife stuff. I could tell that she was upset over something but I have no idea what so I ask her.
Why are you upset?
She goes on a rant about cleaning and cooking and how a woman’s work is never done bla, bla, bla, while I get to sit around watching TV bla, bla, bla. She gets home tired from work too bla, bla, bla.
You see, me and the wife have had a pretty good deal since we first moved in together.
I do all the man stuff that needs to be done inside and outside the house. She never has to clean snow, take out the garbage, clean Nikki’s shit, mow the lawn, fix stuff around the house, build pergolas (yea, I just had to bring that up again !!! my blog would be nothing without my beautiful pergola) See, that is my responsibility, I wouldn’t want her doing any of these things. Lately it seems like she’s been trying to sneak new stuff in, I mop the floors every now and then and help her put away my clothes, shit the other day I even helped her match my socks. If I have to continue doing this I’m buying 20 new pair that are exactly the same and throwing away all the old ones. I even started bringing all the dishes to the sink because according to her if I see her doing dishes I should at least gather all the dirty ones around the house and bring them to her.
Since she seemed to be very upset and felt that her load was way bigger than mine I in my infinite retardation told her. If you want my help with something else just ask me, don’t assume I’m just going to put my shoes in the closed out if the kindness of my heart, in fact just put down in writing what you want me to help you with and I’ll do it. I should have known there was something fishy going on when she all of the sudden got over her bad mood.
Here is the list that was given to me last night.
1) Remove sheet and pillow cases from our bed and replace with clean ones.
2) Pick up all dirty laundry and take down to the basement.
3) Hang up and put away all clean laundry.
4) Dust all the dressers.
5) Take any dishes to the kitchen.
6) Sweep the floors.
7) Scrub bedroom toilet with Ajax.
8) Scrub bathtub with Ajax.
9) Scrub sink with Ajax.
10) Wipe all the wood surfaces with wood polish.
11) Empty bathroom trash.
12) Mop floors every other week
.
You can start feeling sorry for me now! Are you kidding me wife, are you kidding me. I think I’m moving back to my mommy’s.
I was expecting something like put your shoes away and pick up Nikki’s toys. What she gave me is like a whole Saturday worth of stuff, might even bleed into Sunday!
After giving me this enormous list she proceeded to turn off the lights, then using both our cell phones like glow sticks she did some kind of victory woman dance.
If anyone would like to assist me with my new job please feel free to stop by.
Is this fair? I need the people to weigh in on this one.
This is my eleventh post, no cheating you can’t be 7th, 8th, 9th, 10th and 11th.
Why are you upset?
She goes on a rant about cleaning and cooking and how a woman’s work is never done bla, bla, bla, while I get to sit around watching TV bla, bla, bla. She gets home tired from work too bla, bla, bla.
You see, me and the wife have had a pretty good deal since we first moved in together.
I do all the man stuff that needs to be done inside and outside the house. She never has to clean snow, take out the garbage, clean Nikki’s shit, mow the lawn, fix stuff around the house, build pergolas (yea, I just had to bring that up again !!! my blog would be nothing without my beautiful pergola) See, that is my responsibility, I wouldn’t want her doing any of these things. Lately it seems like she’s been trying to sneak new stuff in, I mop the floors every now and then and help her put away my clothes, shit the other day I even helped her match my socks. If I have to continue doing this I’m buying 20 new pair that are exactly the same and throwing away all the old ones. I even started bringing all the dishes to the sink because according to her if I see her doing dishes I should at least gather all the dirty ones around the house and bring them to her.
Since she seemed to be very upset and felt that her load was way bigger than mine I in my infinite retardation told her. If you want my help with something else just ask me, don’t assume I’m just going to put my shoes in the closed out if the kindness of my heart, in fact just put down in writing what you want me to help you with and I’ll do it. I should have known there was something fishy going on when she all of the sudden got over her bad mood.
Here is the list that was given to me last night.
1) Remove sheet and pillow cases from our bed and replace with clean ones.
2) Pick up all dirty laundry and take down to the basement.
3) Hang up and put away all clean laundry.
4) Dust all the dressers.
5) Take any dishes to the kitchen.
6) Sweep the floors.
7) Scrub bedroom toilet with Ajax.
8) Scrub bathtub with Ajax.
9) Scrub sink with Ajax.
10) Wipe all the wood surfaces with wood polish.
11) Empty bathroom trash.
12) Mop floors every other week
.
You can start feeling sorry for me now! Are you kidding me wife, are you kidding me. I think I’m moving back to my mommy’s.
I was expecting something like put your shoes away and pick up Nikki’s toys. What she gave me is like a whole Saturday worth of stuff, might even bleed into Sunday!
After giving me this enormous list she proceeded to turn off the lights, then using both our cell phones like glow sticks she did some kind of victory woman dance.
If anyone would like to assist me with my new job please feel free to stop by.
Is this fair? I need the people to weigh in on this one.
This is my eleventh post, no cheating you can’t be 7th, 8th, 9th, 10th and 11th.
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
I'm not posting today
So I wanted to do a post today but couldn’t really come up with anything good. Is it normal for such a young handsome blogger to have writers block so early in his career?
Is my blog destined for failure? I mean I’v done like 8 post and the well is all dried up already.
I thought of writing about my experience at the local Walmart while picking up the Pergola but I said to myself “ the pergola again?” nah, I’m sure all the people who visit this blog are sick of reading about it.
It was a little funny how I went to pick up a Pergola and walk out of there with NO Pergola and a couple of chaises. After the wife gave the lady at the counter her info she asked “You’re here to pick up 2 chaises and a pergola?”
I quickly replied
No, just a Pergola.
Well, I have a couple of chaises too.
Turns out the I WAS also picking up a couple of chaises that I knew nothing about. By the way a chaise is a chair, kind of like the ones they have by the pools. The Pergola was still on the truck so I have to go back later.
I didn't write about this because it’s just not that funny.
I was also going to write about how happy I am the Bret Favre retired, but if you’re not a Bears fan why would you care?
So I decided not to post today due to writers block, since I had already set a side 30 min. of my day and now had nothing to do, I clicked on a few of the other blogs to see what they had to say.
I was impressed by how much work it seems people put into their blogs. It must take them at least 2 or 3 hours to finish a post. I don’t have that kind of time.
I don't have time to take and upload pictures and all that fancy stuff.
So I’m afraid to announce that I will no longer post.
Yeah, sorry guys but I can’t handle the pressure of making you laugh, I’ll just stick to posting comments on your blogs.
I know you are all very disappointed but don’t worry, I will live on thru my lovely sister Bee, she lives on.
You know what, I changed my mind, I’ll continue posting but I’ll just skip today.
Forgot to mention that I have a spare bedroom and I’m going to offer it to
“ Blanket “ because Michel Jackson is loosing his house.
Is my blog destined for failure? I mean I’v done like 8 post and the well is all dried up already.
I thought of writing about my experience at the local Walmart while picking up the Pergola but I said to myself “ the pergola again?” nah, I’m sure all the people who visit this blog are sick of reading about it.
It was a little funny how I went to pick up a Pergola and walk out of there with NO Pergola and a couple of chaises. After the wife gave the lady at the counter her info she asked “You’re here to pick up 2 chaises and a pergola?”
I quickly replied
No, just a Pergola.
Well, I have a couple of chaises too.
Turns out the I WAS also picking up a couple of chaises that I knew nothing about. By the way a chaise is a chair, kind of like the ones they have by the pools. The Pergola was still on the truck so I have to go back later.
I didn't write about this because it’s just not that funny.
I was also going to write about how happy I am the Bret Favre retired, but if you’re not a Bears fan why would you care?
So I decided not to post today due to writers block, since I had already set a side 30 min. of my day and now had nothing to do, I clicked on a few of the other blogs to see what they had to say.
I was impressed by how much work it seems people put into their blogs. It must take them at least 2 or 3 hours to finish a post. I don’t have that kind of time.
I don't have time to take and upload pictures and all that fancy stuff.
So I’m afraid to announce that I will no longer post.
Yeah, sorry guys but I can’t handle the pressure of making you laugh, I’ll just stick to posting comments on your blogs.
I know you are all very disappointed but don’t worry, I will live on thru my lovely sister Bee, she lives on.
You know what, I changed my mind, I’ll continue posting but I’ll just skip today.
Forgot to mention that I have a spare bedroom and I’m going to offer it to
“ Blanket “ because Michel Jackson is loosing his house.
Monday, March 3, 2008
random thoughts
So, we ran out of checks last week and the wife ordered some new ones. Our old checks had a logo of the Chicago White Sox baseball team they were grey and black.
The new checks arrived and I ask her to give me a couple, I always like to keep a couple of them in my wallet just in case I ever need one.
She hands me these pink things with a rainbow and some pretty little stars on them, some of them have a smiley sun or moon.
These can’t be my checks!?!?!
Why was the design changed without my approval?
I’m not the bill payer in the house, and most of our stuff is now done by online banking but still, pink with rainbows?!?!
I mean, these things have my name on them. I have a reputation to uphold here. I’ve got my own friken dictatorship, how are my subordinates going to have any kind of respect for a man with pink checks?
That’s a sure way to get assassinated. As the ruler of Vertanovia I must order me some new ones.
Today is a great day, the “ Pergola” has arrived at my local Walmart so I’m picking the thing up after work. Now I have to build the thing, I hate building things, reading something like” Insert screw F into washer A and place it in hole P” makes me want to kill myself. BEE I need to borrow Andy for a few hours. By the way I’m sooo, sooo, tried and sore right now. I made a mistake and understaffed for today so I had to step in a do some of the heavy lifting, man those guys really bust there ass for a mere $7.50 an hour. I can barley lift my right arm.
I was pulling 50 lbs rawhides all day, doesn’t sound that heavy but after a couple of hours trust me it is. It doesn’t help that they’re wet and also smell like dog ass. I actually feel sorry for those guys….nah, no I don’t. It’s not my fault they don’t speak English. I’m kidding, I’m kidding. I really do feel sorry for them.
The wife cooked some fish on Friday, the food was good but the house still smells like fucken fish! No more fish cooking in my house. As I was spelling fucken Word highlighted fucken like a misspelled word. Isn’t fuck a recognized word by now?
I heard a comedian once ( don’t know the name so I can’t give credit ) do an act about how fuck was the greatest word in the English language.
It can be used as a verb, a noun, an adverb, pronoun etc.
That single word can be used to express surprise, happiness, sadness, terror etc.
The bit was halarious; I do it no justice by writing it down.
Went to see a movie called Penelope last night, its about a girl that has a pig nose due to a curse. As you might imagine it was not my turn to pick. I’m thinking about becoming a movie reviewer, tons of other people do it so why not me. I can do a thumb up or down type of thing too.
I would keep it short and sweet.
The new checks arrived and I ask her to give me a couple, I always like to keep a couple of them in my wallet just in case I ever need one.
She hands me these pink things with a rainbow and some pretty little stars on them, some of them have a smiley sun or moon.
These can’t be my checks!?!?!
Why was the design changed without my approval?
I’m not the bill payer in the house, and most of our stuff is now done by online banking but still, pink with rainbows?!?!
I mean, these things have my name on them. I have a reputation to uphold here. I’ve got my own friken dictatorship, how are my subordinates going to have any kind of respect for a man with pink checks?
That’s a sure way to get assassinated. As the ruler of Vertanovia I must order me some new ones.
Today is a great day, the “ Pergola” has arrived at my local Walmart so I’m picking the thing up after work. Now I have to build the thing, I hate building things, reading something like” Insert screw F into washer A and place it in hole P” makes me want to kill myself. BEE I need to borrow Andy for a few hours. By the way I’m sooo, sooo, tried and sore right now. I made a mistake and understaffed for today so I had to step in a do some of the heavy lifting, man those guys really bust there ass for a mere $7.50 an hour. I can barley lift my right arm.
I was pulling 50 lbs rawhides all day, doesn’t sound that heavy but after a couple of hours trust me it is. It doesn’t help that they’re wet and also smell like dog ass. I actually feel sorry for those guys….nah, no I don’t. It’s not my fault they don’t speak English. I’m kidding, I’m kidding. I really do feel sorry for them.
The wife cooked some fish on Friday, the food was good but the house still smells like fucken fish! No more fish cooking in my house. As I was spelling fucken Word highlighted fucken like a misspelled word. Isn’t fuck a recognized word by now?
I heard a comedian once ( don’t know the name so I can’t give credit ) do an act about how fuck was the greatest word in the English language.
It can be used as a verb, a noun, an adverb, pronoun etc.
That single word can be used to express surprise, happiness, sadness, terror etc.
The bit was halarious; I do it no justice by writing it down.
Went to see a movie called Penelope last night, its about a girl that has a pig nose due to a curse. As you might imagine it was not my turn to pick. I’m thinking about becoming a movie reviewer, tons of other people do it so why not me. I can do a thumb up or down type of thing too.
I would keep it short and sweet.
Saturday, March 1, 2008
tagged by Bee
Bee said she would kick me out of the cool crowd if I didn’t answer these questions.
1. What is your occupation?
dog bones
2. What color are your socks right now?
skin color, not wearing any socks or underwear.
3. What are you listening to right now?"
nothing. The sound of my keyboard.
4. What was the last thing that you ate?
orange chicken
5. Can you drive a stick shift?
no, do they still make those things ?
6. If you were a crayon, what color would you be?who came up with these questions ?
I’d be I don’t know. Never thought about being a crayon.
7. Last person you spoke to on the phone?
The wife.
8. Do you like the person who sent this to you?
Yes,
9. Favorite drink?
Coke, which I gave up for lent.
10. What is your favorite sport to watch?
Football ( American football )
11. Have you ever dyed your hair?
yes, I played Jesus in a play once when I was about 7 and the people running the show thought it would be better if I died my hair blondish. Guess they didn’t know Jesus was a jew, who retarded is that.
12. Pets?
Yes “ Nikki “ my doggie, she’s a Pug / Terrier mix.
13. Favorite food?
Mom’s red chicken.
14. Last movie you watched?
Bourn Ultimatum.
15. Favorite Day of the year?
I guess Christmas, qt with family and gifts.
16. What do you do to vent anger?
Punch holes in walls, and throw stuff around. Although I should mention that it takes allot to get me mad.
17. What was your favorite toy as a child?
Never really had any…oh wait I did have some Sompers. They were like little trucks that ran on batteries.
18. What is your favorite, fall or spring?
Spring, cause I know summer is close.
19. Hugs or kisses?
I’m with Bee on this one, high fives and hand shakes.
20. What kind of pie?
Strawberry cheese cake.
21. Do you want your friends to email you back?
sure
22. Who is most likely to respond?
respond to what ?
23. Who is least likely to respond?
response to what ?
24. Living arrangements?
House
25. When was the last time you cried?
Maxine hit a pothole and one of her rims was damaged.
26. What is on the floor of your closet?
shoes
27. Who is the friend you have had the longest that you are tagging?
I’m not passing the tag along.
28. The friend you have known the shortest amount of time that you are tagging?
read above.
29. Favorite smell?
huh ?
30. What inspires you?
Bee, you are such a tree hugger for sending me this.
31. What are you afraid of?
Going bald.
32. Plain, cheese or spicy hamburgers?
Cheese
33. Favorite car?
Maxine, Black Cadillac STS.
34. Favorite cat breed?
hate cats !!! but I guess that dude from the Thundercats, I think his name was Leono.
35. Number of keys on your key ring?
16
36. How many years at your current job?
one
37. Favorite day of the week?
Saturday.
38. How many provinces have you lived in?
Is that English for town ? then 4.
39. How many countries have you been to?
2.
There Bee hope you're happy, whoever came up with this idea will suffer under my rule.
1. What is your occupation?
dog bones
2. What color are your socks right now?
skin color, not wearing any socks or underwear.
3. What are you listening to right now?"
nothing. The sound of my keyboard.
4. What was the last thing that you ate?
orange chicken
5. Can you drive a stick shift?
no, do they still make those things ?
6. If you were a crayon, what color would you be?who came up with these questions ?
I’d be I don’t know. Never thought about being a crayon.
7. Last person you spoke to on the phone?
The wife.
8. Do you like the person who sent this to you?
Yes,
9. Favorite drink?
Coke, which I gave up for lent.
10. What is your favorite sport to watch?
Football ( American football )
11. Have you ever dyed your hair?
yes, I played Jesus in a play once when I was about 7 and the people running the show thought it would be better if I died my hair blondish. Guess they didn’t know Jesus was a jew, who retarded is that.
12. Pets?
Yes “ Nikki “ my doggie, she’s a Pug / Terrier mix.
13. Favorite food?
Mom’s red chicken.
14. Last movie you watched?
Bourn Ultimatum.
15. Favorite Day of the year?
I guess Christmas, qt with family and gifts.
16. What do you do to vent anger?
Punch holes in walls, and throw stuff around. Although I should mention that it takes allot to get me mad.
17. What was your favorite toy as a child?
Never really had any…oh wait I did have some Sompers. They were like little trucks that ran on batteries.
18. What is your favorite, fall or spring?
Spring, cause I know summer is close.
19. Hugs or kisses?
I’m with Bee on this one, high fives and hand shakes.
20. What kind of pie?
Strawberry cheese cake.
21. Do you want your friends to email you back?
sure
22. Who is most likely to respond?
respond to what ?
23. Who is least likely to respond?
response to what ?
24. Living arrangements?
House
25. When was the last time you cried?
Maxine hit a pothole and one of her rims was damaged.
26. What is on the floor of your closet?
shoes
27. Who is the friend you have had the longest that you are tagging?
I’m not passing the tag along.
28. The friend you have known the shortest amount of time that you are tagging?
read above.
29. Favorite smell?
huh ?
30. What inspires you?
Bee, you are such a tree hugger for sending me this.
31. What are you afraid of?
Going bald.
32. Plain, cheese or spicy hamburgers?
Cheese
33. Favorite car?
Maxine, Black Cadillac STS.
34. Favorite cat breed?
hate cats !!! but I guess that dude from the Thundercats, I think his name was Leono.
35. Number of keys on your key ring?
16
36. How many years at your current job?
one
37. Favorite day of the week?
Saturday.
38. How many provinces have you lived in?
Is that English for town ? then 4.
39. How many countries have you been to?
2.
There Bee hope you're happy, whoever came up with this idea will suffer under my rule.
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