Dan, The People's Blogger

Pedro Pan

2010-03-06T12:09:00.000-06:00

I’ve been away for so long that I think only my sister (B) will be reading this post, by now I’m sure I have lost my other 4 readers.
I had a good reason to be away, yes I did, I did.
My house caught fire a few months ago, my family and I had to live out of a suite case while my house was repaired.
It all started with a leaky roof, nothing crazy just a drip, drip, no drip, drip.
It was such a small drip, drip, no drip, drip that I wish I had gone to my shed, pulled out my ladder, pulled out my gorilla clue and fixed it myself. Instead, I decided to do something stupid……I called a professional roofer to give me a quote, the first guy I called said he could fix my problem for 3 grand. That seemed kind of high so I decided to get a second qoute, the second quote I got was for 700 bucks. My brain started to work overtime…..3 grand, 700 bucks. I did what anyone else would have done in my shoes, I talked the 700 bucks guy down to 675 and gave him the job.
I should have trusted my gut, my gut who never fails me was telling me this was a bad idea so…….I talked him down another 25 bucks to make my gut feel a little better.
The reason my gut was telling me not to give this guy the job was because he came to my house without a ladder…….A ROOFER CAME TO MY HOUSE TO GIVE ME A QUOTE AND HE DIDN’T HAVE A LADDER!!!! Who does he think he is Peter Pan? In this case Pedro Pan (he was a paisano)
Any semi-intelligent person would have seen this as a huge red flag and told him thanks but no thanks, but how can I turn down this great deal? Not in these difficult times. So, I walked over to my tool shed and gave him my ladder.
Pedro Pan got to work on my roof a couple of days later and burned it down…..what a jerk!
I was at work when this happened, when I got home I had a house full of axe happy firemen breaking down and making huge holes in my walls, trying to break down unlocked doors, poring water all over the fricken place way after the fire had been put out. Don’t get me wrong here, I do appreciate what Firemen do, putting their lives in danger and all that other good stuff they do.
I’ve been home for a month now….there’s no place like home, there’s no place like home……..

60 or so days later

2009-10-01T20:27:00.004-05:00

So, I’m sure you’ve all been wondering where I’ve been (or not), I’ve been really lazy lately. I can’t believe it’s been 2 months since I last posted about going to the gym, after two months I should be all ripped and in shape by now…of course I’m not. I work out on Monday’s to start the week off on a good note, on Tuesday something always seems to come up so I don’t go. Wednesday’s I visit my mom, I go on Thursday’s (sometimes) and hell no I don’t go Friday’s because I’d rather have a couple of beers (by the way, my boss told me about a beer from his homeland of Austria or Australia (I always get those confused, he’s from the opposite country of the Crocodile Hunter)called Ziper, it’s the greatest beer in the history of beer, you can only find it a Binny’s) nobody in there right mind works out on Saturday or Sunday. When Monday comes around I’m so there since I want to start the week strong. In fact I’m gonna go have a few right now, I need to develop a bigger beer gut so I have extra motivation to work out.

Gym Fun

2009-07-24T22:09:00.001-05:00

So, I joined a new gym that opened by my house. Friday night I was kind of bored so I decided to go pump some iron. I was listening to Guns n Roses (my favorite band of all time, I even like Chinese Democracy) they have a song called “Get in the Ring” here are some of the lyrics.
….What you’re pissed off cuase your Dad gets more pussy then you? Fuck you! Suck my fucken dick…..
Well, let me tell that it’s not a good idea to sing these lyrics out loud while working out. Especially while other people are around you, they kind of look at you funny then walk away. Speaking of Richard’s, someone at work is drawing a big dick on my car! It happened once about two months ago and again today, the first time it was all over the hood, they even took the time to draw hairy balls and everything. Next to the picture they wrote “for you”, today’s dick was one my door. I swear I’m going to catch the son of bitch that is doing this and fire his ass!!!!!! I’m going to point a camera at my car!
Poor Maxine….

Brown Noser

2009-07-22T19:01:00.002-05:00

So, I noticed over at Bee’s that she’s taking a few days off, well I think this is a good time to carry on the torch for her. I’ve got plenty of things to write about. I’d like all of you to know that Zombies will not be taking over the world, I killed them all.
Since all the zombies are dead I can now go back to my usual bi-weekly posts.
Today I would like to talk about my nose, see that brown mole thing I got on there? It seems to be growing, it was much smaller in my teens. I never really noticed it getting bigger but now it seems to have taken over my nose. Will it ever stop growing?
I’m glad it’s off to the left a little, if it was a few millimeters to the right it would be right at the tip of my nose. Not only do I have a bald spot (which is now under control thanks to my Canadian Propecia) I know have to worry about my brown nose. Do they make something over the counter to combat brown noses? I wonder what would happen if I dip a needle in bleach and then poke my nose with it. What if it over bleaches my nose and makes it really white? I would then have to go get a nose tan, I can see myself now laying on a tanning bed fully dressed and wearing something that looks like a Mexican Luchador (wrestler) mask…… I would make a kick as Luchador! I wouldn’t bother learning all those fancy wrestler moves like the Figure Four or fancy drop kicks. I’d just kick every one in the nuts! My Luchador name would be “El Dano Magnifico, Kicko de Nuts” everyone would fear me!
Ok, back to the subject, I seem to have gone off the track here….although I think I would look great wearing those Speedo things with my cowboy hat and boots.
Should I get it operated? I should hire Michael Jackson’s old white making skin guy, he did a great job on his nose. (for all you Michael Jackson fans out there, please know that I was not making fun of him, I was making fun of his old white making skin guy doctor

Bad Blogger, Good Zombie Killer

2009-06-16T20:01:00.001-05:00

So, I know I’ve been a bad blogger lately. You can all blame Sony’s PS3 and Resident Evil 5. Killing Zombies has really cut into my posting time, trust me my life is pretty interesting, I’ve had plenty of things to write about. Just the other day The Wife squeezed all the blackheads out of my face, I could have written a funny super long post about that. I can go on and on giving exiting examples like that one. I could have blogged about the fights I’ve had at work with stupid people, the other day I hosted a party, my guest were corn holing in my back yard. Je, Je, I said corn holing…that just sound so dirty!

I’ve gotten so caught up in this stupid game, the only reason I’m writing this now is because The Wife has taken the big screen hostage, I’m hoping she’ll get up and go watch TV in the bedroom. As I’m writing this I’m thinking about what I could say for her to get up and leave my big TV alone, nothing comes to mind except for…… Go watch TV in the bedroom and leave my big TV alone. I don’t think that will work, I need to be more sneaky.

The Resident Evil 5 book is on the desk next to my keyboard, I should pick up the book and read wha

Wacky Kung Fu

2009-06-06T10:24:00.000-05:00

So, I’ve always wondered what I would do in life to be remembered long after I’m dead.

What would be my legacy? I’ve tried writing a movie before but I haven’t finished it. I could invent something and name it after me, but what? The guy who invented the Hymlick Maneuver has saved thousands of lives, I want to be like that guy.

The Dan Maneuver has a nice ring to it, yesterday I heard how the Kung Fu guy dyed and a great sadness came over me, here is a poor old guy just trying to have a little fun and Boom he’s dead, the same thing happened to the Depech Mode guy. That’s when it hit me, I could invent some kind of comptraction to make the practice of self auto asphyxiationwacking not only an enjoyable experience but a safe one to. That can be my legacy, I could save thousands and thousands of lives and make thousands and thousands of dollars. I’m spending all weekend working on my design, once I have the rough design I’m going to my local Home Depo and building this puppy.

Of course I’ll have to take it out for a test drive before I put it on the market, I hope I do a good job with the design cause if I don’t it could get ugly.

The name of my machine will be “Dan’s safe autoasphyxiationwacking comptraction”.

I’m going to buy ad space on every news paper and maybe you’ll see me at 2am in the morning doing some kind of infomercial on TV. I’m so excited!

Brian, since you’re my longest male reader I’m gonna give one to you for free!

Aren’t you just jumping for joy! Please send me money for the postage

My blood

2009-05-07T18:40:00.000-05:00

So, I went to see the Doctor the other day. I have this rash thing on my right arm. I have no idea what it is, it’s like little lumps. For some reason I thought it would be a good idea to put wart medicine on the lumps. That turned out to be a bad idea since, first of all they were not warts and I seemed to have infected it since they started to spread. It started with five little lumps, once I got to around 13 I started thinking to myself that maybe I should go see a medicine man. So I did, the Doc gave me a steroid cream and told me that if they didn’t go away within two weeks he would send me to a dermatologist. He also said that since I was there I should get some blood work done because at my age I should have blood tests done at least once every two years. I wasn’t crazy about the idea but I agreed.

Two days later the nurse called me and said I needed to come back because they wanted to run additional tests…….it’s not a good sign when they call you for more blood, is it?

Anyway, they said something about sugar being high and they started asking questions about diabetes in the family (which I don’t think we have) and diet and asking if I eat healthy. What the hell do my arm lump things have to do with diabetes?

Walk in with a couple of warts, walk out with diabetes? Biiiitttttcccchhhhh pleeeease!

I love that SNL skit and the Geely one.

So I went back, they took more blood and ran more tests, all is good no diabetes for me! Over the last week I had been eating very healthy and I was also working out so now I can go back to sitting on my ass with a big bowl of Ice Cream, cookies and cream is my fave!

I’m also happy to report that the lumps are going down to. I wonder what would happen if I rub the cream on my bald spot?

My Hairs

2009-04-23T21:16:00.003-05:00

So, I went to get my hairs cut yesterday, I was way overdue for a hairs cut two months ago. I walked into the Hair Cuttery and was happy to see that there was no one in the lobby so I would be next. The timing was perfect because I had dropped The Wife at the Target, it takes the hair cutter about ten minutes to cut my hairs so I would be back to the Target parking lot before The Wife finished shopping.

Two ladies where on duty, I’m not picky with my hair cutter, whoever is available first gets to rub my head and cut my hairs. I’ve had my hairs cut by both of those ladies before and I do prefer one over the other but not enough to wait any longer then I have to. As I was sitting in the lobby a lady walks in with her daughter, I was glad to have walked in just before them since girls take waaaay longer to get their hairs cut then guys. I was happy that the lady I wanted finished first so I was next….. I was wrong.

The lady walks up to me and says “sorry but they where here first”

What? No, I was here before them.

No, they came in before you then went shopping next door and came back.

What? What? What?

How’s that even allowed in real life, you can’t do that!

I’d love to walk into Tony’s (where we buy all our groceries, the line is always crazy) stand in line for two minutes then do all my shopping (The Wife does all the shopping) and cut in front of everybody to pay first. I should have told the hair cutter lady “so, I can go to Dunkin Doughnut have a Doughnut and coffee and still have my place? What the fuck hair cutter lady! I told her I had no time to wait and left. I’d been going there for

about four years, they just lost a customer, not that they’ll miss my 3 visits per year but I have to make a stand! You are dead to me Hair Cuttery!

24 hours later…………..

So, I went back to the Hair Cuttery today. I know I said they were dead to me but it’s so close to my house and I’m normally in and out in ten minutes. A man and his son were ahead of me. I wondered to myself if I walked up to the lady and told her that I had to be next since I was here yesterday but went home to sleep then to work, then home and now I was back if it would work for me. Today I had to wait no matter what since like I said before I’m way overdue. I look like Wolverine from the X Men movie, which I guess is cool. I saw someone cutting hair that I’d never seen there before, it was a man…a gay man. I don’t know why and I’m even ashamed to admit but I was really hoping not to get the gay man hair cutter roulette. I was rooting for the women to finish just in time to get my hairs done by one of them. In order to avoid the gay man roulette I needed one lady to finish then for him to finish next, I was so afraid that both women would finish first and take the father and son and leave me all to him. Is that bad? Does that make me a homophobe? I don’t think so but someone else might think I am. Is it wrong of me not to want the person cutting my hair to get a booner while doing it? I mean how could he not? I’m a dammed good looking man, I look like Wolverine.

The chips fell in the order I hoped they would and my hairs were cut by the lady that had turned me away the day before……and I was dammed happy with her now, I guess it was meant to be.

Bed War

2009-04-16T19:59:00.001-05:00

So, The Wife is trying to take over my side of the bed. We had to switch sides the other night because she wasn’t feeling well and my side is closer to the bathroom (I have a feeling that one is going to get me in trouble) the next night when I came to bed my pillow and Pure Sleep mouth piece was on her side of the bed.

“I thought you weren’t sick anymore
I’m not
So why are you on my side of the bed?
I like this side better so I’m staking my claim.
You can’t stake your claim on something that’s already been claimed!
Yes, I can. I don’t see a flag anywhere.”

I told her that since my side is closer to the door I’d be in a better position to protect her in case someone broke into our house.
That didn’t work so I then had to physically mover her to her side, it wasn’t that easy. The Wife is pretty strong for a chick.

I don’t understand how she can just switch sides, she has no loyalty to her side.
It’s not that easy for me to make a move like that, my side has molded to my body, when I slept on her side I felt like at the top of a hill about to roll down.
Why can’t we just leave things as they are, she moves the furniture and wall decorations around the house all the time, it drives me crazy!
I hate it when she rearranges the house, it takes me a few months to get used to the new look. I go to get a fork only to realize that the fork and spoon drawer is no longer the fork and spoon drawer and is now the small towel things that you put on the table to protect the wood from the hot plate drawer, what the hell do you call those plate coasters things anyway? And what’s wrong with the table getting a little hot? It’s not going to explode Wife!

I’m happy to report that I have defended my territory successfully.

2009-04-14T20:47:00.003-05:00

So, I want you all to look at this picture. Let’s say you’re driving home and you get to this corner.
Would you turn right on Red?
Would you stop even though there’s no “Do not turn on red sign” anywhere! and wait for everyone behind you to start honking their horn?
I have taken this route two or three times a week for the last 5 years, ever since Bee packed and took my Mom to live with her to a far away suburb.

Today I got some mail from the lovely people at the Photo Enforcement Department. I’m being targeted my THE MAN! I’m being falsely accused of running a red light, they want me to pay 100 bucks, but I’m not going down without a fight!
I’m going to kick The Man in the nuts!
How does The Man get away with putting a camera on every fucken corner! Big Brother is watching!
I’m going to start a movement to have these cameras removed! They first went up in bad neighborhoods with the excuse to fight crime but now there everywhere, big government is getting bigger and bigger.
I went back to the scene of the alleged crime and took pictures to prove my innocence; I also took the time to give the camera the finger.

Socialism here we come!

I can drink!

2009-04-11T10:31:00.000-05:00

So, Lent is officially over! I can finally drink alcohol!
What better way to have my first beer in about 50 days then to have it at a baseball game? I got tickets to the Sox game today so I’ll be stuffing my face with hotdogs and beer, I never did get around to making my “pee pants” that I posted about a while back. I wonder if the beer will go right threw me since my system is no longer accustom to it.
I hope not since I hate going to the bathroom during sporting events, why don’t they put TV’s in the bathrooms? I always miss out on good stuff when I have to go.
I step inside the bathroom just as the crowd starts to roar.
The weather should is nice today, it will be in the 50’s, I’m glad it’s not cold. Although 50’s might be cold for some spoiled people who are used to 80’s all the time.
I hope I don’t wake up with a hangover tomorrow.

This is my 100th post!

I hate people part 2

2009-03-31T21:40:00.001-05:00

So, I went to my local Jewel yesterday with The Wife, it was raining, I decided to stay in the car while she did her shopping. I’m not afraid of getting wet or nothing, I was just lazy, we had just come from the gym. As I waited I played a couple of hands of poker on my phone, there I was minding my own business when I see a lady approaching, she was parked next to me. I’m the guy who parks at the end of an empty lot because I’m afraid someone is going to open their door all recklessly and hurt Maxine, yesterday I was all the way up front. I saw this lady (later in this post I will refer to this lady as a stupid bitch but for now I’m giving her the benefit of the doubt) approaching and I thought to myself “this lady is going to hit my car” sure enough she swings her door and hits mine. I honk the horn and get out of my car, she rolls the window down and give me this disgusted look, like I’m making such a big deal. I carefully examine my car and tell her in a normal voice “will you take it easy” I didn’t notice any damage so I wasn’t that mad. She then looks at me and tells me all pissed off “you gave a good day Sir” it wasn’t what she said but how she said it. She then drove off while staring me down. So his stupid bitch hits my car and I’m the bad guy?
I really hate people. She probably went home and told everyone in her family how she barley hit a car with her door and how the man in the parking made such a big deal about it.
People are so ignorant!
Would she be opening her door like that if she had a car worth more then 50 bucks? Probably not!

Losing my Diggs.

2009-03-22T09:40:00.002-05:00

So, I had a feeling this would happen! I’m getting kicked out of my office! When I started my new job ( ten and a half months ago) I didn’t have a desk or nothing, they just kind of told me to find a place to settle, so I did, I found a perfect corner of the building. It was close to the main office and close to the shipping room. That was perfect! My office is known as “the cage” it doesn’t have real walls, it’s just a room with wire all around it, kind of like a big dog cage, I’m the big dog.
After I made up my mind that this is where I was planting my flag I started cleaning the cage up, it was like the room were everyone put all their unwanted crap, I threw a lot of stuff in the garbage and cleaned the place. I even went to Lowes at got a blue tarp thing to put on the ceiling because directly above me there’s a machine that will sometimes drip water when they are cleaning it. I found a really cool old desk out in the shipping room that once belonged to the owner’s grandfather; I dragged it into the cage and brought a computer that a buddy gave me. All this hard work and TLC for nothing! I joked with the owner once that I was going to make the cage look so nice that one day he would want it for himself and kick me out. We’ll people, that day has come, he doesn’t want it for himself but he wants to move some other guy in there, the other guy has his own office so he wants to give me the real office and give the other guy the cage. The other guy is getting demoted so his office space is being taken from him. The demoted guy is going to be cutting samples on a machine, so happens that the machine is in the cage so it makes sense to move him there to close to the machine. I think this is supposed to make me happy but it doesn’t! I like my cage, I feel like all savage and animal like. The problem with the office is that it’s big, big enough for two people so I’ll have an office roommate. I don’t like roommates! I like having my own private place and now I have to share it with an old guy, he’s like sixty eight, I should mention the old guy has a son that’s about seven years old so I do have some respect for the guy. This guy is fucking in his sixties, major props old guy.
I had planned on painting the walls, I'm glad I didn't.

Sweet Crocodile Honey

2009-03-16T18:43:00.003-05:00

So, this is how I sweetened my coffee today. I used the Crocodiles Hunter’s honey. This guy’s been dead for like 2 years now and they’re still selling stuff with his face on the front. That’s kind of cool actually; The Hunter lives on thru my coffee. I checked the expiration date on this because when I saw it I thought to myself it must be really old, but no, it expires at the end of this year.
Funny thing is that after I had my coffee I started talking like the Hunter. “Hey mate, have some of my honey mate” I used an English accent the whole day. Speaking of English, I was a little hesitant writing this post. I never realized the influence my written word has on Brian. My last post was about the “fille o fish” sandwich from McDonalds. This consumed his life, his every thought until he finally went out and bought the necessary items to make his own.
I’m worried now that after reading this Brian is going to put on his shorts and go wrestle a crocodile.

28 days later... I mean to go.

2009-03-12T21:10:00.006-05:00

So, other than what I have addressed on my previous post I have another reason to wish lent to be over soon. For those of you who don’t know, it’s tradition for Catholics to not eat meat on Friday’s during Lent , fish is ok to eat. Don’t ask me why that’s just the way it is, I have no idea why it’s okay to eat a poor fish but not a delicious cow or pig.
Every year the smart people at McDonald’s bring back their fish sandwiches. The sandwich is actually pretty good, I had one last week. The problem with the McDonald’s fish promotion is their commercial. Click below if you don’t know what I’m talking about.

Give me back my fillet o fish, give me that fish! The Wife has been singing this song for 2 weeks now and it’s driving me nuts. We went out to dinner today and as I’m pulling out the garage I could tell she was talking to me but I couldn’t make out what she was saying.
What? I asked her.
Oh nothing, I wasn’t talking to you.
What were you saying?
“Give me back my fille o fish, give me that fish”

She does a little hips don't lie Shakira dance every time the commercial comes on to.
Just last night I was at that point where you’re barley awake, just seconds away from falling into a deep sleep. I was woken up by her shaking her ass and singing “Give me back my fille o fish, give me that fish”

Boy I really need some Vodka!

p.s. I was a little disappointed in all of you, none of you had any suggestions on how to get “drunk” without getting drunk. I would have been happy with a Sniff glue comment.

-posted by bee cuz Dan is dork

30 days left !

2009-03-10T19:55:00.001-05:00

So, you know all those recovering alcoholics that always tell you how many days they’ve been sober? Hello, my name is Boozer and I’m an alcoholic, I’ve been sober for 489 days.
Well I’ve been sober for 9 days now and it really sucks!
Lent is here again and this year I’ve given up all alcoholic beverages, I didn’t realize how much I like my booze until now. I don’t drink much, I hardly ever get drunk but I do like to get “buzzed” I’d say twice a week. I normally have a few on little Friday, little Friday is a tradition started by my SIL and her husband (by the way I wonder if they’re still alive, I haven’t heard from them in a while) little Friday is actually Thursday night, just an excuse to drink during the week. Then I have a few during the weekend, sometimes on Big Friday (big Friday is actually Friday night) or on Saturday, I don’t really drink on Sunday’s….actually I drink a little when the Bears lose to drown my sorrow….and I drink a little when they win to celebrate during football season……..and baseball for the Sox and basketball for the Bulls.
Sometimes I drink on Wednesday, Wednesday is the middle of the week, hump day. I drink a little to help me get by for the rest of the week. On certain occasions I drink on Monday, Monday is the start of the week and after being off for two days I get home kind of tired so I have a beer or six to relax. I also might have a glass or two of wine on Tuesday because it’s little hump day. I really don’t drink on any other days then what I’ve just mentioned, but I do miss the numbness of a good buzz. I’m thinking about picking up pot during lent, It’s been a really long time since I’ve had me some
Mary jew ana, last time I took a hit must have been 15 years ago.
Last year I gave up pizza, coke, ice cream, fries and didn’t lose a single pound. I replaced all the fatty stuff with other fatty stuff, I think I wrote a post about it called “Gut Boy”.
If you guys have any suggestions on how to get numb without breaking the law I’d love to hear them. I heard licking frogs will get you high but that’s gross, I wouldn’t even know where to find any frogs anyway. I saw a South Park episode where the kids where getting high letting a cat pee on them, again that’s gross, no pussy (cat) near my face.
Maybe I should join AA for 30 days, I could get one of those sponsor people. I wonder if they would actually show up if I called them while having a burger at my local Appelbees?
Sponsor dude, I just can’t resist it anymore I must have a Corona.

Send in your home remedies please, Lent is still young!

Busy, busy , busy

2009-03-07T20:04:00.000-06:00

So, like I said before, I’ve been really busy working on the rental untis, I’m glad to report that I’m finally done, today was my last day! I had to go this morning to put some fresh cock on the bath tub and to give my new tenant the keys. I hope she’s not a pain in the ass, I’ve been lucky so far to have good tenants (expect for the one lady that accused me of being a jail warden because I wouldn’t let her out of her contract “I’m going to die here and it will be your fault” she said, I wish I had a blog back then, you all would have loved her.) We are calling the new tenant “Crazy Lady” why am I renting the apartment to someone I have baptized “crazy lady” you ask? Well, I guess I can blame it on the economy, everyone that called to ask me about the place wanted me to throw in the heating bills, gas is way to expensive for me to do that. Crazy Lady has been approved for section 8, section 8 is a government program that pays for your rent. How sweet is that! Where do I sing up! The government is going to be sending me a check every month to cover her rent, although with the way things are right now I’m a little worried, the government doesn’t have a pot to piss in anymore. Section 8 sent out an inspector to check out the place before approving her, I failed the first inspection, they looked at everything! I had to tighten this, paint that, fix this, replace that. I was meant to be a slum lord, that apartment is nicer then my house now, no not really.
I’m done with my projects and that’s great, now I’m going to spend my weekends helping Bee recover from her flood damage I helped dig a big hole in her basement today. A man’s work is never done.

Stuff

2009-02-15T09:54:00.002-06:00

So I’ve been busy lately and unable to spend much time posting, I have an empty apartment that needed some painting done so I’ve been busy with this all week.
What sucks now is that the empty bottom floor apartment is now occupied by the 2nd floor apartment people because they moved downstairs so now the 2nd floor is empty so I get to do it all over again next week. I’m at the point where I think I’m going to hire someone to paint for me, I need some cheep labor $5.99 an hour sound about right to me. I’ll even buy some tacos for lunch.

I did my taxes the other day and I think it’s time for another revolution! We started a war because we where being taxed on Tea, how did we let things get so bad?

Chris Brown slapped Rhianna around, he should be in jail! You hit a hot chick you should go straight to jail! No bail, no court date, nothing! You should go to jail!
Hot chicks are not to be mistreated!

My boss gave me tickets to a hockey game that I didn’t go to, should I lie when he asks me about the game or should I tell him the truth? I don’t want this to affect any possible tickets that might come my way.

The Mayor of Chicago has been on TV all week crying about how bad the economy is and hoping the Obama stimulus package is passed so he can get some money, the city has a huge deficit. Not one minute later there’s a story on how the Mayor is still trying to get the 2012 Olympics, the projected cost is about 8 Billion dlls...... Does that make any sense??????

I did my first post one year ago today!!!!

Dan The Joker

2009-02-04T19:35:00.001-06:00

So, I don’t have anything to say today but I’m trying to do at least 3 posts a week.

I need to come up with some kind of gimmick like Bee’s comic strip or Jean Knee’s Wordless Wednesday, or Tracy’s Dear Tracy.

I’m thinking about Dan’s Wednesday Joke. Let me know what you think of this one it’s one of my favorites, if you like it I might continue doing it.

Two sperms are swimming their asses off.

Are we there yet?

NO!

Are we there yet!

NO!

Are you sure we’re not lost?

Shut up already, I’ll tell you when we get to the egg!

Well why is it taking so long?

Will you shut up!

Well can you at least tell me where we are, we should have made it to the egg by now.

We’re barley entering the large intestine! Now SHUT UP !

JA JA JA JA ! This really cracks me up!

I decided not to do the joke thing since this is really the only one that I know.

I’m open for suggestions from The People…..unless you really want me to do the joke thing…..

The Greastest Post Ever

2009-01-29T18:52:00.004-06:00

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picture day

2009-01-27T19:54:00.003-06:00

So, I know it’s a little late but better late then never.
This is a picture of Nikki The Dog taking a shit. I was going to use this for my Healthy Ice Cream post but figured no one wanted to see Nikki The Dog taking a dump.
Was I right ??????????

Dumbass Dan

2009-01-25T11:33:00.005-06:00

So, I’m not sure if I mentioned before that The Wife got me an iPhone for Christmas.
It’s the greatest phone ever invented in the history of man kind. I’d post a picture of it but I haven’t figured out how to take a picture of my iPhone with my iPhone.
It has so many applications that can be downloaded, many of them are free, most of them are 99 cents.
I downloaded an IQ test, I’ve always wanted to have confirmation on how smart I am. I figured I’d land somewhere in the 140-150’s, Bill Gates has an IQ of 150, George Washington scored 118, The highest IQ for our presidents belongs to Thomas Jefferson who scored 138 which makes me wonder why Bill Gates isn’t the President? Guess the money isn’t good enough.

Anyway, this test was a lot harder then I thought it would be, you have to answer all the questions in 1 hour and you need a calculator, a dictionary, a thesaurus, pen and paper and the internet open to be able to answer some of the questions.
Here is an example:

Which number is the odd one out?

3647
2535
5869
6957
1425
4758

What two numbers should replace the question marks?
0,1,2,5,20,25,?,?

The name of which creature can be placed on the bottom row to complete seven three letter words?

D A S A M Y W
U R A G A O A
* * * * * * *

If
IQS: LNV
then
JRM: ???

So turns out that I’m a real dumbass, I scored a whopping 75, that’s just two points better then Mike Tyson. I’m two points away from biting someone’s ear off!
In my defense I should mention that I finished the test in about ten minutes, when I realized this test would actually require some serious concentration I just wanted to finish quickly to get my score. Had I taken the time and had a pencil and paper along with a calculator I’m sure I would have scored in the 150’s. I was also watching TV so my score doesn’t count, I'm going to re-take the test to prove to all of you that I’m not a dumbass!

1 hr. 3 minuts and 58 seconds later…….

This whole thing is stupid! How can a stupid test with stupid questions measure someone’s intelligence? It might be able to measure your knowledge but not your intelligence!
How does knowing the meaning of “laconic” relevant to anything! Intelligence can not be measured with a stupid test, it’s what you do in real life that matters.
I figured out how to take a picture of my phone with my phone, here is proof of my smartness!

Healthy Ice Cream

2009-01-19T10:54:00.004-06:00

So, Nikki the dog is really starting to piss me off. Every time I sit down to eat she sits there looking at me with her pathetic “give me some of your food” look. Eat your own food Nikki, your bowl is full. Let me enjoy my food, don’t just sit there looking like an Ethiopian staring at me, praying that I drop a piece of my steak. I know your food sucks and you’re probably sick of eating the same thing every day but that’s not my problem. It’s not my fault you’re a dog.

Now that I think about it…..I take it back, I do feel sorry for you Nikki the dog. I can’t imagine having to eat the same food everyday. Back when I was a kid my grandfather always had dogs, he never bought them dog food, his dogs always ate and still eat leftover scraps from everyone’s plates. Might not be so healthy but if someone came to me and said “you have two choice eat the same thing everyday and live to be 90…..or eat whatever you want and live to be 88”. I would choose to eat whatever I wanted, hands down!

However we must take the whole dog year equals seven human years thing into account. So if someone told me that if I ate the same thing everyday I would live to be 90…..or eat whatever I wanted and live to be 76 I would probably feel different.

Huuummmmm………nah, I would still feel the same, I would rather eat what I wanted and give up 14 years of my life. Anything can kill you so why sacrifice eating healthy? I could have the healthiest diet in the world and go out one day and die in a car crash so why bother?

I’m gonna go get some Ice Cream, and give some to Nikki the dog too.

Why can’t vegetables taste like Ice Cream?

That’s what the government should be spending money on, instead of space exploration and other stupid studies they should have scientists working on how to alter the taste of food while still preserving all the healthy stuff.

I wonder how many years I would live if I ate dog food that tasted like chicken and beef and flautas everyday.

My New Post

2009-01-11T15:55:00.000-06:00

So, what’s up People? Remember me? It’s Dan, The Peoples rarely Blogger. I just saw a comment that Tracy left for me, it says NEW POST NOW!!!! Esmeralda also commented that she needed a new post so this NEW post is for them.

It’s been 3 weeks since my last post. I can’t even remember the last thing I wrote about, I’m going to check real quick…………………….Oh yeah, I wrote about how much I hate strangers and how I helped a couple of people out during a snow storm but no one would help me.

I wrote “that strangers don’t give a shit about helping strangers unless I’m the stranger helping another stranger”….that was pretty funny of me, I crack myself up.

I also wrote about peeing in the ally, that was fun.

According to my last post having my car stuck in the snow really sucked, I was there for about an hour I shoveled around it, pushed, kicked the tires but nothing was working!

I’m now having flashbacks of me all wet and cold trying to get Maxine out, I hope I don’t get sick just thinking about it.

It’s snowed a couple of times since then and I think my tenants still hold me responsible for the snow, it’s not my fault they live in Chicago, I didn’t invent snow. It’s not my fault that the earth goes round and around and that our city happens to be kind of far away from the sun this time of year.

I just noticed that I left out “it” on my last post. I wrote “Why is that my tenants” I should have written “Why is IT that my tenants” I really need to better job proof reading.

I hope you all liked my new post.

I hate strangers

2008-12-24T18:17:00.000-06:00

So, I was driving to The School House (the house that I rent) yesterday to shovel the Got Dammed snow, Why is that my tenants expect me to shovel their snow? It’s not my fault they live in Chicago, did I invent snow? Is it my fault that the earth goes round and round and that our city happens to be kind of far from the sun during this time of year?
Anyway, on my way there I saw a lady suck in the snow, I got out of my car and shoveled and pushed her out. A few miles later there was a guy pushing his car to the side of the road because it wasn’t running. I got out of my car and helped him. I’m always helping strangers. I give bums money all the time. A dollar here a dollar there, I had one guy tell me it wasn’t enough and I gave him more!!!!!!!
I’m a pretty nice guy when it comes to helping strangers in need, a good Samaritan.
Why is it that strangers don’t ever seem to give a shit about me when I need help!
After I got to The School House, I shoveled all the snow (I had to pee, since I have no access to the house because it’s all rented out I peed in the alley. That was fun, I hadn’t done that in years) and was ready to go home. Turns out that now my car was stuck!
I shoveled around it, pushed, kicked the tires, nothing was working. Did anyone stop to help ME! NO! strangers don’t give a SHIT about helping others. Unless I’m the stranger helping the other stranger. I hate people all of them, I will never help anyone else ever again. I was stuck for almost an hour, soaking wet! I’m just getting over a man cold, I fear that I might be sick again!
Fuck you strangers! You can all do things without my help!
Push your own cars out of the snow!
Find someone else to give you money for gas or bus fair!

Merry Christmas!
Thank you Stephanie and her Brother for helping me get out….. they are not strangers.

Snow Sucks !!!!!

2008-12-16T20:28:00.004-06:00

So, just like everyone else I hate snow !

I hate everything about it, how it looks, how it smells how it tastes, I hate driving in it, I hate seeing it come down, I hate it with green eggs and ham, I hate shoveling it EVERYTHING !!!!!

This is a picture of my castle, we put up a lot more lights this year then we normally would. See, in my suburb they always give a prize to the prettiest house. Last years winner was a shitty little house with barley any lights so last year The Wife and I bought a bunch of stuff after new years at a huge discount. If we don’t win I’m going to get really pissed off, the prize better be good because I was up there freezing my ass off a couple of weeks ago. I wish I had put lights on the peak of the house, I did the peak of the garage but I was too much of a chicken to do the peak at the front of the house…..I mean my ladder wasn’t high enough, I need a bigger ladder so that I can get up there.

The second picture is of the Ginger Bread house my boss gave me for Christmas, wasn't that nice of him ?

Senator Dan

2008-12-09T20:51:00.004-06:00

So, I was saving up all my money, I was going to sell my house and cars in order to make a bid for Barack Obamas open senate seat. Too bad the governor of Illinois got arrested today by the FBI for putting it on sale. Oh well, guess I’ll have to keep my day job.

As you might remember for my Maxine’s Cherry post I’m not a big fan of Patrick, but some ass hole at The Wife’s job hit him pretty hard. This guy didn’t even bother to come back inside to tell her about it, everyone knew it was him. I'd rather someone spit in my face then mess with my car!!

Like Bee I got my Green tree yesterday, how green can a tree really be if they cut it down? Seems to me like an oxymoron. The tag said something about being a super Green Tree…….yeah Ass holes till you cut it down!
Is that not the biggest issue among the tree hugging community, the cutting of trees?
I’ve always gone for the real stuff, I hate fake trees they look like fake trees.

need more hair for my buck.

2008-12-06T12:12:00.000-06:00

So, I had to order some more Finepecia (generic Canadian version of Propecia) from Canada and I couldn’t believe how much these ass monkeys are charging me for it now.

I used to get a 3 month supply for 30 bucks and now they want 65 bucks. That’s more than twice the old price. I’d be more then happy to pay the price if I had noticed a difference since I started using it, but I really haven’t.

It’s been more then six months now and I look exactly the same, I have before and after pictures, the before looks like the after and the after like the before so it all the same.

I’ve thought about not using it anymore, I guess if I look the same maybe it is working after all, maybe I would be totally bald by now. I guess it’s still a good price compared to Propecia which costs 65 dlls for a 1 month supply.

I just wish I had an Afro by now.

I saw on Fox the other day that 24 is coming back to T.V. I’ve been a fan of the show since it came out but theirs a different President now?????

Come on, Jack has gone thru like five Presidents since the show started.

Their was the first guy, then the Black president (the guy from the Allstate commercials) who was a senator in the first season, then the other guy that had the crazy wife, then the Allstate commercials Presidents brother Wayne and now a woman President. That’s five in like 5 years, they should at least make Jack look a little older.

I can’t even think of 5 different Presidents.

Bush, Clinton, Bush, and Reagan. Off the top of my head I could not tell you who was President before Reagan. In a few days I’ll have five but Obama isn’t in charge yet.

Can't hardly wait

2008-12-03T19:56:00.000-06:00

So, my bosses vacation is finally over tomorrow !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’ve been so overwhelmed for the last two week, I haven’t been there long enough to be able to handle doing his job and mine. I’ve been working 11 ½ hours a day for the last two weeks so that I can keep up.

I can’t wait to see him (I mean this in a non homo sexual way) (not that there’s anything wrong with that) I almost want to hug him as soon as I see him (in a non gay way) and look him in those baby blue eyes and tell him how much I’ve missed him (in a non man to man love way) tell him how lonely I’ve been making all those decisions without having him by my side, watching my back (in a non ass wanting way) (not that there’s anything wrong with that) I’ll be able to sleep in an extra hour and be home for dinner early again!

Life is good.

turkey lover

2008-11-26T19:46:00.002-06:00

So, the Wife asked me to help out with the turkey because it was kind of heavy 19 lbs.

I made a horrible discovery, it’s obvious to me that when my poor turkey was alive someone made sweet sweet love to it and I have the turkey fuckers penis to prove it.

What a perv !!!!!!! Why would anyone fuck a turkey then leave their penis in there?

- - - - - -

I filled up Maxine’s tank with 35 bucks yesterday, gas is all the way down to $2.04 at my neighborhood gas station, why did I feel guilty about it?

I feel like I was ripping them off, gas was $4.99 a couple of months ago.

What’s the deal here, why is it so cheap now?

I think the government controls gas prices, got a war to pay for? They raise gas to $4.99.

Economy sucks! they lower gas to $2.04.

2008-11-16T17:16:00.001-06:00

So I heard the pregnant “man” is pregnant AGAIN!

I don’t know exactly why I despise this person but I do. You are not a man! You’re a woman with a beard who cut off her ta-tas (also known as boobs, jugs, tits, honkers, hooters, babaloos, bazookas, blinkers, bosom, cha-chas, chesticles, chumbawumbas, . funbags, gazongas, God’s milk bottles, headlights, knockers, milkmakers, milkshakes puppies, rack, ying-yangs and breasts) you don’t even look like a man. Take away the beard and you look just like your average ugly lesbian.

Poor kids, I feel so bad for them.

The Wife brought home the movie “Kung Fu Panda” last night. I usually hate all those stupid cartoon movies but this one was hilarious, if you haven’t seen it you should run out and get it.

I'm back again, this time for good, until my computer breaks down that is !

2008-11-12T19:17:00.003-06:00

So, it seems like my computer is working again so it seems like I should write a new post about something.

I went to a casino over the weekend, I didn’t win any money. Casinos don’t do much for me, I know the odds of winning are small so to me it’s like throwing away money.

The nearest Casino is actually in the state of Indiana, Chicago banned smoking in public places a few years ago. At first I didn’t really care and thought to myself “who cares if people smoke” but I have now learned to appreciate the no smoking law.

The Casino smelled like dog ass, people were smoking fags all over the place.

Little white fags and big dark brown cigars (what do they call cigars in England?)

I’ll never go to that Casino again, it was so ghetto.

The Wife and I each had 60 dlls to gamble with. I was playing electronic poker, 5 cents a hand. After playing for 5 minutes The Wife comes over to see how I was doing, she had gone burned her 60 bucks and was now trying to take over my machine.

“New blood, new blood” she said as she’s pushing me off my seat.

She ended up losing 40 of my dollars.

A couple of years ago we went to Vegas, after we lost our first 100 bucks we stopped gambling.

I need to learn how to play the card games, slots are way to boring. I want to play a game where I can win by using my brain. I saw the movie 21 the other day, it looked pretty easy. If any of you want to join my gambling team let me know, I’m taking applications now. There will be a one time non refundable 1,000 dollar initiation fee.

test

2008-11-09T08:08:00.001-06:00

this is a test.....

Voter Dan

2008-11-04T19:12:00.002-06:00

So, I got up extra early and voted for Barack. Hope he does a good job, hope he doesn’t get shot by some crazy skinhead.
I wasn’t sure if I was going to vote at all but The Wife dragged me to the polls this morning. I was stupid enough to vote for Bush (twice) so I feel kind of responsible for all the wrong that he has done.
I wanted to sit this one out to be able to say “well, you voted for him” but in the end I’m glad I voted. Chris Rock was the biggest influence in my final decision.
I just could vote for McCain, he’s just way too old and “mavricky” for me.
--

Does anyone know what happened to that girl from Small Wonder, I was watching “Terminator, The Sarah Conner Chronicles” yesterday, the terminator chick, who by the way is super hot reminded me of her.
That song was cool “She’s a small wonder”
--

I hope Obama wins, this is his home town. I’m worried about riots is he doesn’t.
Good thing I got riot insurance.

**posted by Bee because Dan's computer sucks cow ass.

Happy B-day to me!!!!!

2008-10-28T08:07:00.001-05:00

Happy B-day to me, Happy B-day to me, Happy B-day toooooo meeeee
Happy B-day to meeeeeeeeeeeeeee !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

32 !!!!!

And the winner is.........

2008-10-22T20:24:00.002-05:00

So, I finally made up my mind. I’m voting for Sarah Palin ! uuhhh
I mean I’m voting for John McCain, don’t really follow the whole politics thing so I decided to vote for the party with the hotter chicks.

Cindy McCain is a total GILF !

Sarah Palin is a total MILF ( soon to be GILF )

USA ! USA! USA! USA!

Barack’s wife is way too wholesome for me.

Meat and the new Prez.

2008-10-17T18:34:00.001-05:00

What’s the cutoff for eating leftovers?

I pulled some meat out of the fridge that was like 5 days old, The Wife who was on the way out was quick to tell me to get rid of it.
I was pretty hungry but since I wasn’t in the mood to argue I tossed it in the garbage, I waited for her to leave and took it back out, put it on a plate and nuked it.

As I was pulling my meat out of the microwave she came back in because she forgot her cell phone. I was totally busted and she was all grossed out, the meat was in a zip lock bag it’s not like it was exposed in the garbage.
By the way the meat was pretty dammed good still.

-----

So, I’m starting to think that I should make up my mind on who I’m voting for or if I’ll even bother to vote at all.

Obama will win hands down in Illinois so he sure doesn’t need my help.
There is no point voting for Mcain since he doesn’t stand a chance in my state, so why waste my time voting for either of them?

It’s not like the president is elected by the popular vote, if that was the case Jean Knee’s daddy (Al Gore) would have been the president.
Maybe we should throw away the whole “electoral vote” system and make the popular vote what counts.

The problem with that is no one’s going to give a shit about small rural states like West Virginia.(Je je je)

I see why the current system works but it makes me not want to vote.
What the fuck is up with all the early exit poll results!
It’s like 3 pm and they’ve already announced the winner, by the time people get out of work they already “know” who won so why bother voting?

I don’t think it really makes that much of a difference who wins anymore.
I’ll definitely make up my mind on who I’m voting for by Monday. I’ll let you all know.

Two are better then one

2008-10-13T18:20:00.002-05:00

So, I was visiting the Mothership the other day and crashed on the way home.
I’m so sorry Maxine, I’m sorry I got distracted; it kind of wasn’t my fault. The car in front of me came to a full stop while I was checking my mirror.
There’s some construction going on in the highway, they have the regular lanes closed and the ramp to get on is really short.
I slammed on the brakes but didn’t come to a full stop so I hit the guy in front of me.
No real damage to Maxine just a scratch, the other car’s bumper was falling off.
The Wife claims that because I drive with two feet I wasn’t able to react quickly enough.
Personally I think it’s better to drive with two feet, you have two pedals, you have two feet. One for the gas and one for the brake, some people think that in a split second you’re likely to react with the wrong foot. Hit the gas instead of the brake or the brake instead of the gas.
I totally disagree with that because the left part of your brain controls the right side of your body and the right side of your brain controls the left side of your body. So if you have to brake there is no way you would hit the gas or vice versa. I brake with my left foot so the right side of my brain is telling my left foot to brake.
If I drove with only one foot the left side of my brain would be telling my right foot to brake, but now my brain also has to make the distinction between the gas and the brake. The probability of hitting the wrong pedal is way higher like this, plus it takes longer to react due to the fact that you know have to hit the right pedal.
So all you one footed drivers out there need to start using your left foot too, if you get into an accident because you followed my advise I do apologize, although it’s not really my fault, it’s your dumb brains fault.

Back again

2008-10-12T13:19:00.002-05:00

Forgive me bloggers for I have sinned, it’s been 18 days since my last post but who’s counting?
My computer has been busted, I was too cheep to pay someone to get it fixed so I gave it to my brother who gave it to some guy at his work who left it abandoned on his office floor for a week, That guy then gave it to another guy who “fixed it” but didn’t really fix it. That guy then gave my “fixed” computer to my brother who gave it back to The Wife.
The Wife plugged it in only to find out the “fixed” computer was exactly the same as before.
The Wife then gave the not fixed computer to me, I then gave it to some guy who I had to pay 50 bucks to really fix it.
I challenge all for you out there to go two weeks without a computer, it’s really hard.
No e-mail, no getting directions, no blogging, no internet porn, no reading up on recent events, it really sucks ass!

After a few days I started to write down possible blooging topics on a little pocket notebook.

9-26
“guy at work is an ass hole”
I remember writing this down but I don’t remember what ass hole from work I was referring to and why he was an ass hole that day.

That was my one and only entrée.

The Wife and I (and my Mommy) when to a restaurant yesterday to celebrate brother Serge’s B-day. The food was good but they gave The Wife horrible service.
There was a huge variety on the menu, goat cheese, octopus, morsilla ( these are pig intestines filled with pig blood and vegetables) shrimp and much more.
The Wife ordered a chicken salad with fries. Could you believe that everyone was pretty much done eating and she was still waiting for her food.
Somehow it’s easier for these fuckers to make octopus and pig blood then chicken salad.
To make thing even worse, when they finally brought the chicken salad I told the waitress we were still missing an order of fries. She said “ we already brought the fires but the people at the other end of the table ate them, would you like another order?”
Did the people at the other end of the table ORDER THE FRIES ?!?!?!?!?!
You stupid fucken bitch !!!!!!!
I think that Arnold guy ate them, boy he really is a Dick although he denied it when we met for the first time. He said “Hi, I’m Arnold and I’m really not a Dick”

We later went to a blues bar, I wasn’t sure if I liked the blues until yesterday when I realized how much the blues really sucks. They had a guy singing that looked like an older Morgan Freeman, he looked like Morgan Freeman’s grandfather.
This guy could barley stand up much less sing I couldn’t understand a word he was saying other then “woman” blahsur whuehne WOMAN ! burrlove Woman.

On the way home I stopped by a Wendy’s and got The Wife a large order of fries.

Sponge Porn

2008-09-23T19:06:00.002-05:00

So, somehow I was watching Sponge Bob Square pants today for the first time ever. I have no kids so I’ve never had to endure the torture. Although if I did have them I would never let them watch such garbage as Sponge Bob, my kids would be watching the good cartoons like South Park and Beavis and Butthead, now that’s some funny shit.

What caught my attention more then anything else was a character named Squidwad.
Squidwad looks like my inverted left testicle (my right one is far more attractive) they even draw him with wrinkles and give him the “sesame seed” look at the top of his head.
His nose and eyes look like…….well, judge for yourself, what do they remind you of?

Not Fair

2008-09-11T21:33:00.001-05:00

So, can you fucken believe what I had waiting for me in the mail yesterday?
JURY DUTY !!!!!
Yeah, after spending most of last week in court I now have to go and serve jury duty.
Isn’t that against the law? I think it’s called Double Jeopardy.
I hope they don’t select me because I’m putting someone’s ass in jail.
I don’t care how innocent they might me.
I don’t even want to hear the facts of the case, GUILTY !

Went to dinner with The Wife yesterday the receipt looked like this.

1 taco dinner 7.99
Carne Asada 11.99
1 Margarita 5.00
2 Coronas 10.00

Total 34.98

15 % Tip 5.24
20 % Tip 6.99

Total Amount _________

I’d like to thank the people at “Panchos Pistolas” for telling me how much I should tip, how nice of them to work out the math for me. I felt like Mr. Pink.

After that we went to a Sox game and left in the 5th inning, I got to get my sleep man.

Wow, I’m watching the news. They’re showing all those Texans running from the hurricane, I think I just saw Ronda humming away…in her H2.
I hope Jean’s cock is safe.

System failure

2008-09-06T10:15:00.000-05:00

So… I’m done with the whole murder trial thing. It was a real pain in the ass, the first two days went something like this.
Check in.
Sit in a room for 2 hours, with a bunch of cops and lawyers.
Move to another room, sit for two hours with a bunch of cops and lawyers.
Move to a room near the court room, sit for two hours with a bunch of cops and lawyers.
Stand in front of a judge who tells you that by law you have to come in again the next day then go home.

I had an inside view of how the legal system works or should I say doesn’t work.
You have a room full of cops and detectives complaining, saying stuff like.
“I hope this goes to trial today, it’s the fourth time I come in for this shit”
Minutes after that someone would come in and tell them their case has been pushed back another month.

How do we let these criminals and grease ball lawyers get away with this!
They find any excuse to postpone a trial, I heard stuff like:

“The defendant is sick and can not be prosecuted today”
“The defendant would like to start a motion to suppress evidence”
“The defendant would like to bring in a new witness”
Most of these guys posted bail and are walking the streets.

It’s only when they’re in jail that it goes to trial right away.

I could feel the frustration of the law enforcement people in the room.
Waste of time and tax money.

We need to revamp the system, have deadlines and not allow so many postponements. The case I was involved in was 4 years old.

After I was done with my testimony the family of the victim were all hugging and thanking me.

I'm Back !!!!!!

2008-08-30T17:13:00.000-05:00

So, I’ve let The People down. The People who with anticipation and excitement click on “The People’s Blogger’s Blog” to read about my adventures.
I’m sure I’ve mentioned before that I still don’t have my own computer or office space at my new job and of course like most of you I did most of my blogging at my companies expense.
I’m happy to report that office space and a PC are in my near future so all The People will be able to read about my adventures more often.

This kind of sucks because I’ve had plenty of hilarious to me stuff to post about.
None of which I have any memory of anymore, but I clearly remember thinking about a subject and laughing hysterically about it.
My last post was about my inability to find suitable tenants for my apartment building, well I’m happy to report that the two empty units have been rented out, the new tenants are moving in on Sunday. My last post also included an awful joke about the war in Iraq and a stupid fish, I’m sad to report that the war in Iraq is still going on.

I probably shouldn’t admit this but I like the way things turned out.
Got new tenants, war is still going on.
If it had been the other way around I’d probably be kind of pissed off right about now.
No tenants, war is over.
I’d be glad that the war is over but super pissed that I have no tenants.
At the moment I’m happy that I have new tenants but less pissed off that the war is still going on then I would be if I had no tenants.

I hope that made sense to someone other then me.

I’m looking forward to my super long weekend, I don’t go back to work until Thursday.
Monday’s a holiday and Tuesday and Wednesday I’ll be in court, I hope the court thing doesn’t take up my whole day.

I think I should let you all know that my internet has been down at home since Wednesday, not sure why. So if you wrote a post and I was unable to comment on it please forgive me. I know what big cry cry’s one of you can be.

Landlording

2008-08-19T19:40:00.001-05:00

So, I’ll be having a couple of empty apartments Sep 1st. I’ve had a shit load of people call me and a few of them have made appointments to see them. Sometimes they don’t bother to show up and don’t even call to cancel.
I don’t live far from the building but it still pisses me off. I haven’t had much luck with the people that have come to see it. One lady asked me are you going to run a credit report? I have really bad credit and my fiancé has no credit.

I’ve had a number of people trying to talk me into lowering the rent.
I’m not selling a car here people!
One couple asked if having a Doberman dog would be ok.
One lady wants to run a daycare from one of the apartments.
Why would I want a bunch of little pain in the ass kids banging on the kitchen cabinets?

I’m a little disappointed in the way this post is going, not funny at all so I think I’ll just tell you a joke.

A fisherman caught a little gold fish, the gold fish told the fisherman.

Please, please let me go! I don’t want to die! I’m just a little gold fish, to young to die, please let me go. If you do I’ll grant you a wish.

How about three wishes?

Do I look like a Jean Knee? I’m not the blue guy from Aladdin, I’m just a little gold fish.

The fisherman is thinking “Wow, I can really make a difference here. I have an opportunity to make the world a better place” I wish, I wish for the war in Iraq to be over.

But I’m just a little gold fish; I don’t even know where Iraq is! Can’t you wish for something smaller? Something for yourself?

Ok, then make my wife more attractive, my friends always make fun of me because my wife is really ugly. Here’s a picture of her.

The fish wipes his eyes a couple of times and says.
Where was Iraq again?

Dominican Dan

2008-08-14T21:00:00.000-05:00

So, seems like I’m soon going to be put in charge of a Quality Assurance System at the job. I’ll have to set up quality checks at various points of production and I’ll have to take a trip to the Dominican Republic to see how the system works in a factory that has implemented the system.
I’ll fly out there on a Monday and fly back on a Friday, I don’t know much about the DR other then the fact that Sammy Sosa was born there. I hate Sammy Sosa.
I think The Wife has an old Sosa jersey, I think I should wear it so that I can blend in, maybe I’ll take my Cowboy hat. Hope they have good Ice Cream over there.

Starting tomorrow Cock fighting will be completely banned in all the US, Louisiana was the last state to allow it.

Am I the only one in the US hoping that Michael Phelps cramps up tonight and finishes last and drowns in the pool and that his mother then jumps in to try to save him and drowns too? I’m so sick of the coverage this guy is getting.

Who needs wisdom?

2008-08-10T19:23:00.001-05:00

So, I have problems with my teeth!!!!
There’s a gap in between my Wisdom tooth and the tooth next to my wisdom tooth that is driving me FUCKING CAZY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Every time I eat I get food suck in this gap and it’s impossible to get out. I try to floss but that only makes it worse because the floss pushes the food up and makes it harder to get. My gums bleed every time!
I’ll have a piece of burger stuck in there for a couple of days before it comes down on its own, when it does it makes my mouth smell like dog ass.
I try all day to get the food out; sometimes with my tongue so now my tongue is sore and has suffered little cuts from brushing up against my teeth.
Have any of you had your wisdom teeth pulled out?
Does it hurt?
I can’t live like this.
Will I become a dumbass if I have it removed?
I’ve been to the dentist litterly once in my life and it was a miserable experience. I decided one day to have my teeth cleaned; the dentist explained that they only do one half of your mouth during the first visit, the second half is done a week later. I had the first half done but I never went back to do the other half. It hurt so much! I must of had a crappy dentist. After all that pain I couldn’t even tell the difference between the two half’s. My dentist was Chinese, that day I lost all faith in anything Chinese. I stopped eating Chinese food and cat. I stopped practicing Kung Fu, I threw away all my Bruce Lee movies and my Kimono along with all my made in China clothes that didn’t fit.
I ‘m worried about these Olympics, one guy got killed already.

Spoiled Week

2008-08-04T19:51:00.002-05:00

So, my new job place shuts down every year for a week to do full maintenance on all the machines. This year the shutdown will be the week of September 1st.
What am I doing that week you ask?
Well, I had originally planed to sit on my ass playing Grand Theft Auto all day since The Wife has to work that week, but now I get the pleasure of being in court.
See, I got this letter today that says:
WE COMMAND THAT YOU SUMMON:
Dan the Peoples Blogger on Sep 2nd and 3rd
To appear to testify before the honorable judge bla, bla, bla

I really don’t want to go, they should ask nicely not WE COMMAND, that just seems kind of asshoeie to me.
I’m going to borrow that tomorrow at work, I’m gonna be like
“I COMMAND you to ship this out today!”
I wonder what kind of a response I’ll get from the workforce when I start COMMANDING them around all over the place!
I COMMAND you to feed that machine faster!
Makes me feel like Moses for some reason, I need one of those big sticks.
I already have the beard and the crazy hair.
Do you guys think I can push this case down an extra week.
I’m going to call the Judge and be like “I COMMAND you to reschedule!

Tourists Beware

2008-07-31T19:52:00.001-05:00

So, I was reading the other day about how Mexico is now ranked #1 among kidnappings.
Mexicans are kidnapping tourist for ransom, the greedy stupid ones will hold on to their victims and demand big bucks. The smart ones drive there victims to an ATM and make them withdraw 4 / 5 hundred bucks.
This really pisses me off!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why didn’t I think of that????!?!!!?!?!?!??!?!?
I could be worth millions (of Pesos) by now. Seems like an easy way to earn a buck.
Juarez seems like the perfect city for me to start my new business; I hear a lot of do goody college students like to go there to help the poor people of Mexico build houses.

Horse Heaven......Horse Hell

2008-07-26T11:18:00.004-05:00

So, I was flipping channels the other day and came across a story on “Real Sports with Brian Gumbel” it was about a horse named Storm Cat. Storm Cats father was Secreteriat a horse that won the triple crown, not sure exactly what that means but it sounds impressive. Well, Storm Cat’s race career wasn’t all that great so after he retired from racing his owners turned him into a male horse prostitute. The original stud fee was around $10,000.
A couple of years later Storm Cats kids were kicking all form of ass on the race track.
Because of this Storm Cats horse sperm was now in high demand, his fee reached the ridiculous amount of $ 500,000 per each successful pregnancy.
Storm Cats average day went as follows:
Wake up, get fed, run around a bit, have a morning sex session with a female horse, chill for a few hours and have an evening sex session with a different horse.
Things didn’t always go as planed, during an early sex session a female wasn’t in the mood (must have had a headache) and kicked him. Now these are million dollar horse balls that must be protected so what do the owners do?
They get another horse to have horse foreplay with the female to determine if she’s in the mood, so this poor bastard horse gets all excited and mounts the female. If she lets herself be mounted they take him down and bring in Storm Cat to have sex with her.

This is the worst case of animal cruelty I’ve EVER heard of.
Where the fuck are you PETA when you’re really needed !!!!!!

Please save this poor bastard horse from never ending blue balls.
They should at least have the sable boy finish the job every once in a while.
This is worse then anything Dante came up with.

Deep Thoughts

2008-07-24T18:05:00.001-05:00

So, I was thinking today about nature. Seems like everything in nature has a reason, we need the sun to stay warm, water to make beer and later to make pee to fight off aliens, trees to cut down for wood, I think trees also clean the air or something, dirt to plant trees to cut down for wood, the moon (not sure what the hell the moon does but I’m sure it’s there for a reason, (I’m sure Brian will give me an explanation) air, animals and fish to eat etc, etc
The human body itself blows my mind, eyes to see, lungs to breathe, ears. I mean everything about it is amazing. We need food for energy and take what we need and crap what we don’t, our brain sends all these signals to our hands and feet to move around …...it’s crazy.

This got me thinking about the earth and oil, we have pumped millions and millions of barrels of oil out of the earth and I was thinking to myself “What if all that oil is there for a reason?” what if it acts like coolant in your car. What if that’s the real cause of global warming?

I was at Walgreens and saw that the “pregnant man” is having problems with his wife.
I find that very funny for some reason, if they get a divorce he will no doubt loose custody of his children since the mom always gets the kids.

Pee and the 80's

2008-07-20T10:11:00.002-05:00

So, I went to a Sox game (baseball) on Friday with my brother Serge . For some reason I feel really safe with him around, like I can talk shit to all the opposing teams fans and know that if there’s any trouble he’ll have my back.
It was 80’s night so a lot of the staff and a few fans were walking around wearing all the ridiculously stupid looking eighties gear. I also saw people wearing mullet hair cuts.
Thru out the night 80’s music was being played thru the speakers of the stadium, this is when I came to realize how much eighties music really sucks ass. Here are a few songs I heard, they also had a live band playing some of this crap.
The “Take on me song” Take on me, take me on, take me on wawaduaooooo Sucks!
“Walk like an Egyptian” Sucks! They played songs from The Cure that I don’t know by name, they all suck. Early Madonna, sucks. That “ Don’t you forget about me song” from that crappy breakfast club movie sucks. I could go on and on. If you grew up in the eighties I feel your pain. They did play some early Michael Jackson that I don’t hate, the Mamase mamama mamama fu sa song isn’t bad, but I keep on waiting for Rihana’s voice and “Please don’t stop the music” after that.

I hate going to the bathroom at sporting events, you always miss out on the good stuff. My brother missed out on a 3 run hommer while peeing. I must have a very large bladder because when I’m drinking I can hold it in for a while before I have to go. I would say the average man pees 3 times before I have to go. I always unload before the game is over if I don’t by the time I get to the car I’ll be ready to explode.
What sucks is that I always seem to bet on the wrong horses. When you walk into the bathroom at a sporting event there’s like 10 lines of guys waiting to take a leek, I always seem to pick the line with the slowest peers. I’ve tried several different formulas, I first walk in and look at the size of the men (that sounded kind of gay) I pick the line with the thinner shorter men because I figure they’ll pee faster. Well, I’m always wrong, all the other lines are moving along much faster then mine. I’ve also tried picking the line with the biggest men, that doesn’t work either. I’ve also tried waiting for a toilet, the lines for the toilets are always shorter then the pee line but my luck always sucks! The other toilet lines are moving along but I have to be standing on the line where everyone is taking a shit. There’s no real way to tell which line would be the fastest. Next time I’m asking them “Excuse me Sir, how many beers did you drink since your last pee?”

Are there some kind of special pants I could get? I know someone must have already invented some kind of pants that attach to your “love muscle” with some kind of plastic lining or bag for pee storage. It would be good for sporting events and long road trips.

Biker Dan

2008-07-13T20:08:00.004-05:00

So, I was finally able to get my used bike of Craig’s List. It’s a Iron Horse something Mountain Bike. The Wife and I went biking today and I have a few tips for all you future bikers.

1) Look for loose change while biking, I collected a total of 10 cents while on the road today. If I’m lucky enough to find this amount every time I go out, the bike will pay for itself on my 1,000th trip.

2) While on the road don’t spit forward, you should lean your head down and spit towards the floor. The wind can be a real son of a bitch and send that spit back to your face.

3) Make sure the seat is the proper size, the previous owner of this bike was a tiny tiny woman who sold it because it was too big for her, she must have changed the original seat, that sucker is small.

4) Don’t get all excited and go to far, remember you still have to bike back home. Half way back home I wanted to throw up. I’m glad I didn’t cause my dumb ass would have probably thrown up forward against the wind.

5) Watch out for attacking birds, some guy in Chicago was attacked by a bird and fell off his bike, he’s dead now. The guy, not the bird. The bird is probably still flying around shitting on peoples cars. I hate birds! that’s all they’re good for, shitting on peoples cars and killing bikers.

6) Don't bike too much cause it's bad for the "huevos" if you think I'm full of crap just ask Lance Armstrong. Arm strong but weak balls.

When The Wife heard the news about the dead guy she asked me to buy a helmet. I don’t want to because I’ll look like an English cigarette it. Although I do want to get some stretchy biker shorts.

Random stuff and never ending thoughts.

2008-07-08T19:01:00.001-05:00

So, I’m making more of an effort to exercise more because The Wife is making me make more of an effort to exercise more. I’ve had leaner days, I’m okay with my current 20 pound over weighteness, but The Wife insists on leading healthier lives bla, bla, bla.
We went roller blading over the weekend, when I took my blades out of the shed they literally had spider webs all over them. A couple of days ago I got The Wife a bike from Craig’s list and today I’m getting one for myself.

Yesterday I took Nikki the dog out for a walk that ended up being more like a jog, at some point some guy with another dog walked by us and as is usual with dogs they started smelling each others dog butts. They kind of circled each other a couple of times so both are leashes got tangled. The other guy and I started going in circles to untangle them. The Wife who was not far from there quickly pointed out that I was dancing with another man, verrry funny Wife, she thinks she’s so funny sometimes.

I’m a little concerned about getting fit, what if once I’m fit I have all these chicks trying to get some Dan love? With all the watermelon I eat, forget it.

I’m happy to report that my house is now officially “green”, we have a recycle bin for all of our crap.
As I write this the piece of shit guy who is selling me my bike just cancelled on me for the third time!!!! What a retard!!!!

I went to see Hancock over the weekend, the best thing about the movie ( other then the always hot Charlize Theron ) was a trailer I saw for a movie called “The day the earth stood still” with Keanu Reeves it looks awesome, am I the only person in the world who thinks that Keanu is a great actor? Either that or he’s is very good at picking his movies.
I like most of his stuff.

Not that I need it or nothing.

2008-07-07T19:48:00.003-05:00

Awwwaahhhhh
Watermelon good !!!!!!

Humor-Blogs

Viagramelon

2008-07-05T20:39:00.002-05:00

So, this new study claims that watermelon has the same effects on a man as taking Viagra. I’ve eating lots and lots of watermelon in my day but I don’t remember it giving me any……..boners, I mean side effects, other then satisfying my tummy.
I’m going to my local produce store right now to get me some watermelon, I must verify these claims. Although I’ve never had to take Viagra so how would I know if it’s the same?
One thing I know for sure is that if I owned a store that sold watermelon I’d jack up the price and start charging 10 times what its worth.
I wonder if I could buy some stock in watermelon.

Click here to read the story.
http://apnews.myway.com/article/20080703/D91MBPC01.html

Humor-Blogs

Handy Dan

2008-07-03T08:37:00.003-05:00

So, I’m off today, got a four day weekend!
Although I probably shouldn’t count today because The Wife wants me to do some things around the house. A couple of my co-workers said that I made a big mistake by telling her I wasn’t working today.
“Do you think my wife knows I don’t have to work on Thursday? Hell no”
I’m going to get up like I’m coming to work, go to breakfast, give her enough time to leave the house and come back and relax.

The other guy is cheating on his wife and said he was taking his girlfriend to Navy Pier, for those of you that are not from Chicago Navy Pier is a tourist spot with boats and a giant stupid Ferris Wheel; never got the attraction to that place.
Are these guys out of their fucken minds!!!!!
Why wouldn’t I tell The Wife I have the day off? I truly feel sorry for them!

Here is my to do list:
I have to unclog the drain from our bathroom sink and fix an awning that is falling apart. Doesn’t sound that bad but I’ve never been able to fix anything quickly. I know that once I take off that elbow looking think under the sink I’m probably going to break it and have to run to the Home Depot to get a new one. Then as usual I’m going to buy the wrong size so I’ll have to go back again to return it. Once I unclog and install the new one I’m going to realize that the water is still going down kind of slow so I’ll take it apart again and put it back together. Once I do that I’ll realize that I have this massive water leak so I’ll have to take it apart and go to Home Depot to get some of that Teflon tape used in pluming. At some point I'll hit my head somewhere and loose the tool I’m using and spend an hour looking for it and find it in my back pocket.
Don’t get me started on the awning job.

I shouldn’t have told the wife I have the day off, I truly feel sorry for myself. I must have been out of my mind. I should have just done what my co-worker is doing now……..the one that came back home to relax, not the Navy Pier one.

Humor-Blogs

The grass is always greener on the other side

2008-06-25T19:50:00.002-05:00

So, I wonder what kind of fertilizer my next door neighbor uses ?

Nikki and my hairless arm

2008-06-21T20:44:00.003-05:00

So, someone knocks on my door Thursday night, it was kind of late around 10:30pm. It was this lady who I’ve never seen before that lives a couple of houses from me and says:
Hi, just wanted to let you know that your dog was running around outside. I picked her up and called the cops. They were going to take her to the animal shelter but then your neighbor said it was yours. I was knocking on the door and no one came out so I went around to the back, your gate was open so I let her back in and closed the door.
Are you sure it was her?
Yes, I’m positive. I sat on your front stairs for a little while waiting to see if anyone was home.

This happened the same day that my in-laws had to send their puppy to doggy heaven, her name was “Bella” she was a 1 ½ year old terrier. The Vet thinks she didn’t have all her shots.
My dog’s name is “Nikki” she’s a pug/terrier mix. I can’t imagine how upset The Wife would have been if she had run away or got run over by a car.
_ _ _

The Wife and I were outside cooking, we do this very often and I'm usually the one that man’s the grill, she was taking care of it today. While she was inside getting other stuff I got up and opened the top of the grill to turn the meat around, I noticed the meat wasn’t cooking. All the flames were off, so what did my dumbass do?
I pushed the button that creates the spark that lights the grill, only problem is that the gas had been on for like 7 minutes and since the lid was down all the gas was trapped and when I pushed the button……”BOOOOMMMM!!!!”
I felt this strong gush of hot air go up my left arm and to my face. It didn’t really hurt but all the hair on my left arm was completely burned off. I’m a pretty hairy guy so now my left arm is all smooth, I was thinking about shaving my right arm to even things out.
I had a disturbing thought, what if the The Wife did it on purpose? I do have life insurance. Although my earning potential for the next thirty years is way more that the policy. I’m glad I was wearing my sunglasses.

Innocence Lost

2008-06-15T19:49:00.002-05:00

So, this new movie called “The Happening” is out I really want to see it so anyone of you who would like to accompany me to it will get some free Nachos.
It’s from the same guy that did “the sixth sense” I think his name is M Night Schamalakalaka.

The Wife had to pick me up from work on Friday because I locked myself out of the locker room, my keys, wallet and cell phone were in there. I had to go to work on Saturday to pick up all my stuff, my boss who also uses that locker room was coming in on Saturday too. When I got there I asked him for his keys, when I walked into the locker room I noticed that all of the calendars (you know all those calendars of women in “artistic posses”) were all on PG pages. I thought to myself “who the hell changed all the calendars around” you see I’ve taken the time to go thru all 12 months of each one and chose the best most artistic picture.
I got my stuff and rearranged all the calendars back to the pages I had them at. Before I left I walked thu the plant a couple of times just to see what everyone was up to then I went back to the locker room to get my dirty clothes, I heard a toilet flush then out of one of the stalls walks out this little ass kid, eight or nine years old. His name I forget but it was my bosses son. After he left the locker room I quickly flipped all the calendars around again.
Hey, the kid will remember this day for the rest of his life.

A legend is born

2008-06-07T11:30:00.005-05:00

So there’s this guy at work named Sal, he’s a big dude about 6’3 with a serious bodybuilder body. He’s a Formen of a department and in my opinion a very good one. I think all of his crew is intimidated by his size so they are well behaved.
Well Thursday he and my new partner in crime Ted were arm wrestling in the office, of course Sal beat the crap out of him but not before letting Ted think he had a chance, he toyed with him for a little bit.
Ted is a 23 year old collage student, very intelligent guy who’s been working there for a couple of years. He has great ideas that have never really been implemented because people didn’t really care about what he said, but now he has someone that thinks like him to back him up.

After the arm wrestling match ended I kind of started to walk away because I knew Sal would challenge me next. I think I was there all of two days when he told me he could bench 500 lbs. sure enough he said.

Hey Dan, you want to go next?

I really didn’t but I couldn’t say no, I’ve put my time in the gym at one point in my life so I surly would at least give him a fight for 2 or 3 seconds.
I immediately noticed that the table we were going to use was backed up against the wall, so the person standing on the left would have to push towards the wall and would have no leverage while the person standing on the right would be able to lean his body and have all the leverage in the world.

Ok, I told him, you stand on that side. Of course I pointed to the left side.
So we started our match, I also know that you should always keep your elbow as close to your chest as you can, the more you open your arm the weaker you will be. We were locked in the starting position, he couldn’t move me and I couldn’t move him. I was impressed he was able to hold on for so long I made him carry all 210 lbs of me (that’s what I weigh fully dressed with steal toe shoes, I’m not fat I just got a little gut) after like 30 seconds he let go and I was victorious !!!

He’s not that stupid so he immediately demanded a re-match but this time he wanted me to stand on the left.

I told him no, I’m too tired to go again. Do you want to beat me knowing that I’m tired?
Hey, well I was already tired too because I arm wrestled Ted first so that was my second match.
Now for sure I won’t give you a re-match because when I beat you again you’re going to say that you were tired because that was your third match.
Left hand then, left hand, but you stand on that side this time.
He easily beat me.
Ok, let’s do the right hand again! I’ll beat you really easy, if you stand on the left.
No, lets just leave it like it is, I won with the right, and you won with the left.
Yeah but you cheated!
Didn’t you do the same thing with the left? I have no problems admitting that I lost with the left; you should take your loss like a man.
Ok, lets to it on another table where no one will have an advantage.
I told you I was tired already, lets do it tomorrow, I’ll be rested, do you want to beat me when I’m tired or do you want to beat me when I’m strong and rested?
Ok, but tomorrow I’ll be stronger too.

Here is the funny part; I WILL NEVER give this guy a re-match. If I do he will no doubt beat me, if I don’t then I will be the guy who beat Sal in arm wrestling forever. I’ll have this over him for the next 20 years.
I broke a blood vessel in my eye last week while coughing; my right eye has looked like its bleeding since then.
Friday I told him that I needed my eye to clear up before a re-match because I didn’t want to break another blood vessel. I’ll have an excuse for the next twenty years.
I of course told a few people that I beat him and it has now spread to the entire plant.
I think the poor guy is loosing sleep over it.

It’s really heating up here now, yesterday we got to 90. Doesn’t sound that bad but when you work in a place that needs to be heated to dry leather it feels much hotter.
I need to go out and buy me some cotton breathable pants, yesterday I took jeans to work and they were killing me! All that sweat has no where to go the skin at the top of my legs near the ball area is rubbing raw when I walk and it hurts like hell. I did a self examination with a mirror yesterday and that whole end of leg/ball area is all red. I’ll post pictures if you would like me to. I still had to try to walk normal at work but when I got home yesterday I was walking like a prison bitch.
Or I can make some holes in the proper area on my jeans and boxers, maybe I can put a little fan there too, kind of like those hats that came out in the 80’s that had a little fan and a hole by the forehead. Does anybody remember those hats?
Don't forget to let me know if you would like me to post pictures of the rubbed raw area.

Still Alive

2008-06-04T21:16:00.002-05:00

So, I've been kind of busy lately. No time or PC at work and get home with just enough time to read my regular posts.
Just wanted you all to know that I'm still alive, if I had died I'm sure Bee would have posted about it already.
Ok, got to go. The Wife want's to lay on me.

Cowboy Dan

2008-05-25T13:04:00.005-05:00

So, The Wife is making me move to Texas in 10 years, she hates the cold winters and says that if I want to go visit the family in Mexico it would be a manageable 10-15 hour drive depending on how close to the border we are. I’m not crazy about the idea although I definitely think I would make a good Cowboy, here are a few reasons why.

1) I’ve seen all the Young Gun’s movies at least twice.
Emilio Estevez played “Billy the kid” and was a badass in the movies, I have no doubt that I could beat the crap out of Emilio Estevez any day of the week.

2) I haven’t seen “Brokeback Mountain” no self respecting Cowboy would, I think it’s actually illegal to be gay in Texas, not there’s anything wrong with that. No problems there since I’m such a manly man.

3) I don’t like county music but I do think Carrie Underwood is hawt and that Dolly Parton still has nice jugs.

4) I’ve shoot me a gun before, brother Serg took me to the gun range a few weeks ago so I know how to handle a “piece”. Better not fuck with Cowboy Dan cause he’ll bust a cap in your ass!

5) I think I danced the electric slide at a club once although it might have been the “Macarena” so I guess it really doesn’t count. It also could have been the Cha-Cha Slide.

6) I don’t shave or cut my hair very often, I usually have the scrubby beard, mad scientist look. Although my hair is not an issue since I’ll be wearing my cowboy hat all the time.
If you’re a man and you have your eyebrows done and get manicures you might as well have a vajayjay. What’s up with the man earrings?

7) I rode me a horse when my brother got married in a Mexican Hacienda it was more then a horse, more like an enormous BEAST horse, never mind the fact the horse went all crazy and took me up a rocky mountain, the son of a bitch horse was running under trees that had low branches so I had to cover my head with my arms, when the son of a bitch horse finally came to a stop my arms and hands were bruised and bloody.

8) I already own me a cowboy hat, see picture below of me and the son of a bitch horse.

9) My grandfather owns a pick-up truck and some goats.

10) At one of my old jobs we had a customer that bought leather from us to make cowboy chaps, I used to talk to the owner all the time so I’d get a good deal on them.

I’m a little worried about one thing though, if its so hawt down there I won’t be wearing my Wrangler Jeans a whole lot. As Nancy pointed out I’m in shorts and flip flops all summer. Would I stick out too much in shorts and flip flops and a cowboy hat? Shorts, flips flops, cowboy hat and cowboy chaps, the new look of the modern cowboy.
Here I am with the son of a bitch horse beast.

I hope Cowboys like Ice Cream.

Watchiminifu

2008-05-21T21:16:00.001-05:00

So, one of my favorite shows is starting tomorrow on FOX. It’s “So you think you can dance” before any of you ( Bee ) starts making gay jokes let me tell you that the girls in the show are hawt and sexy so I have no shame to admit that I like this show.

First Mariah now Jessica Alba, what is going on? All I need is to find out that Shakira is getting married or knocked up too, as they say they always come in threes. Or do they say that about dead people? I guess it’s all the same. I need to make a new top 3 list.

Went to visit sister Nancy to get fed and to visit her and her family and to get fed, Bee was like an hour late! She was in charge of bringing the Coca Cola so I had to settle for Squirt. I later proceeded to strangle her and kick her in the …leg. Brother in law Andy said that cows are now living in the Matrix…..yea, ok dude.

Not much to report on the job front except for the fact that we caught a crap load of people cheating on their piece work, employees get paid by the piece so they’ve been reporting more pieces made then they actually did. Funny thing is that it’s probably been going on for years and no one thought to verify if their numbers were correct.
When I told one of the supervisors that I was going to start checking he said.
“Everyone is going to get pissed” yea so????

I have a terrible man cold, I’m tempted to call in sick tomorrow, I would if I had been there a little longer. My attendance at work has always been excellent, I can recall missing one day in the last 12 years. I’m looking forward to the three day weekend coming up.

I’m trying to get this guy fired because I want his office, he’s been there for like 30 years and is past retirement age. As far as I can tell he does nothing important, he sits on his ass all day shuffling papers on his desk.

I still have a Voodo curse on Bee, for those of you that don’t know about it I cursed her to give birth to a couple of kids before she hits forty. I have this little doll in my basement and I rolled up a napkin and stuffed it in her belly to make her look pregnant.

The wife still wants to move to Texas even after I told her there was a lady down there that keeps frozen corpses in her kitchen. I’ll be writing a post on why I think I would make a good cowboy.

I’m starting to wonder if my Canadian Finepecia (Propecia) is working at all, I’m still balding.

The title comes from one of my cousins in Mexico who according to him spoke English and would say that to my brother and I all the time. Watchiminifu, I think he was trying to say “What you mean you fool” he would even sing it “ And a Watchiminifu”

Mo Money

2008-05-18T09:43:00.000-05:00

So, I still don’t have my own computer at work yet and it’s starting to piss me off.
There’s one community computer in the office but there’s no privacy, I’m also worried about all the germs that are supposedly on the keyboard. I think it was Brian who said it has more germs then a toilet and he would rather eat off a toilet then a keyboard. I prefer a plate.
I don’t know how much longer I can continue blogging for free, I should be getting paid for it like I normally did.
I find it hard sometimes to sit down and write something after I get home from work, I’m usually starving so I sit down to eat, after that I get kind of lazy.
If I don’t get one soon I think I’m going to start one of those blogs were you can only read if you are invited to it, so all of you will be invited to read after you give me your credit card numbers. I think $5.99 a month if a fair price, $71.88 a year. Hurry act know and get me for $50 dlls a year, operators are standing by.

I usually bath Maxine myself but the pipe that connects to my outside hose broke so I had to take her to a car wash. Can you believe they charge $14 bucks for a fricken car wash!
That’s insane, I bath her in like 20 minutes, although they also cleaned her from inside really well. No one cleans a car better then I do, If I put a sign outside my house and charge $14 dlls a car it could be a good weekend side job. I don’t want to spend my whole weekend washing cars but if I do like 4 hrs. / 8 cars on a Saturday morning that would be $ 112 dlls a week, if I do it for 20 Saturdays during the nice weather spring, summer, fall months then I’m looking at like $2,300 extra dlls.
This plus the blogging subscription fee would be extra income to go towards my retirement fund, since I have no intentions of working a day past forty I need to get this started right away.
By the way, The Wife wants to retire in Texas because she can’t stand the cold so I need Brian to do a blog about how much Texas sucks.

Bee
By the time you mail the bones out Polka Dot will be in the freezer next to Cupcake.

Stuff

2008-05-14T19:22:00.000-05:00

So, I picked today to start laying the smackdown. I told the guy that does the UPS that if he didn’t have any packages to ship out he should help out with the packing.
He got all pissy and started acting like a beeyotch.
After about 10 minutes of arguing he did what I asked him to do, good for him because my right leg was already starting to get in the nut kicking position. I need to start practicing my Kung Fu.
I’m worried about Maxine, once I start pissing everyone off I wouldn’t put it past some of these guys to key her. The owner said I could park in the garage, I didn’t even know we had a garage. The garage has an old door with a lock so I would have to get out of Maxine, open the door, drive in and then close the door. A huge pain in the ass but worth the extra trouble.

Why the hell is “The Price is Right” on so late today and what the hell happened to Bob?
He looks like Drew Carey.
I started re-watching all the X Files episodes, yesterday The Wife and I saw that one with an alien, can’t wait for the new movie to come out.
My boss told me today just before I left that he is very happy with what I’m doing.
“You’re all I was hoping you would be and then some” he said.
Do you guys think its too early to ask for a raise?

I see old people

2008-05-09T20:21:00.002-05:00

So, I’ve run into my first bump on the road in my new job. The shipping department is highly inefficient; we should be able to ship way more then we do. Overtime is being worked in order to catch up with our promised delivery dates.
Here is the problem:
The average age of this department is about 98. Ok, I’m exaggerating, the average age of this department is 97. Ok, I’m exaggerating again, sorry.
The average age of this department is 96, ok that’s not funny anymore.

Seriously now, the average age of this department is 95. I’m seriously amusing myself.
Ok really now, the average age is 94 GOTCHA AGAIN. I can’t believe you keep on falling for it!!!!

Ok, it’s seriously not funny at all anymore, not that it was to begin with. The average age is about 60 (I bet you a million dollars that you thought I was going to say 94)

The Foreman is about 65, one of the packers has been there for 45 years and is at least 66.
The guy in charge of all the UPS shipments is also around 62. The other two guys working there are in there mid forties and are young enough and capable of doing more but they seem to be working at the same pace as the old guys. (BOV don’t do the math, I know the average is not 60)

The owner said something to me like “Oh, this is Jim, he’s the most senior man in the company. My great grandfather hired him”
My new boss is a really nice guy, tooooo nice. I can’t believe he keeps all these guys around because he either feels loyalty or sorry for them.
I kind of think my boss is just waiting for them to retire, I’m not that patient. I was hired to improve the overall productivity in the plat and my first assignment is the shipping department. How am I supposed to accomplish this with all these old guys?
If I suggest they should be forced to retire I’ll come out looking like an ahole.
Maybe that’s part of what he wants me to do, maybe he feels guilty about it and would rather someone else handle this for him, to make things more complicated all three of these guys happen to be black, so not only will I come off looking like an ahole but also like a racist, so I’ll be a racist ahole. I can see that on my business cards, Dan Cordova, racist ahole.
I need some help here people, how should I approach this one?
Did any of you see the Danica Patrick accident? Funny stuff, everyone knows women can’t drive. Just kidding.
By the way, I’m posting comments and posts later then usual because I’m still trying to impress my new company, I’m not comfortable enough to blog at work yet.

Oh, my eyes

2008-05-06T19:21:00.000-05:00

So, I’m happy to report that only the “huevo” test was done and that I’m still a butt virgin, hope I never go to prison. The new job has been good so far, with my 11 years experience in this field I’m going to make an immediate impact. A lot of the staff is a little on the old side and have no computer skills what so ever, I would put myself in that category also but compared to these guys I’m fricken Bill Gates and Steve Jobs rolled into one. I still haven’t been formally introduced yet, turns out we have a meeting every Thursday so I’ll be introduced then.
I have my own locker/toilet/shower room which is great, actually I have to share this room with 2 of the formen. I’m glad I don’t have to use the same bathrooms as the workers, there’re three toilets in the room. I was given a key to this room today and when it was time to have a bowl movement (I will no longer use the term “make stinky” or “run the chocolate factory” because I guess some of you (The Wife and Nancy) find it gross) I sat on the toilet and noticed there was a magazine rack next to me. I grabbed a magazine and was surprised to see that it was nothing but hard core porn. I grabbed the next one and the next one and they were all porn. I was so surprised. I even forgot what I originally entered the room for, I got up and moved to the next stall and again porn on top of porn, I checked the next stall and found the same literature there to.
No, I did not go to the bathroom more then my usual 46 times during my work day.

My new hours will be 7-4:30, I have never started a job so late. For the first nine years at the other leather place I started at 5am then at 6am, at the bone place I started at 5:30 and for a few months when we were really busy I started at 4:30am. I got up today at 5:30 this is actually late for me. The wife and I decided to start working out in the morning before going to work, she also starts at 7am.
I hope I can stick with it, I’ve got about 15 lbs. of fat on my gut that I haven’t been able to lose. I’m going to order some diet pills from Canada.

I'm affraid

2008-05-04T18:12:00.002-05:00

So today is my last day of vacation, I start my new job tomorrow. The Wife asked me a little while ago if I was nervous and I told her no. Truth is that I am a little nervous, not because I’m nervous about meeting new people or the whole trying to fit in thing, I’m not starting this job expecting to make any friends. The owner said I had the authority to kick ass and take names, I’d like to think I was hired to kick ass and chew gum.
The current work force stands around 140 people, contrary to the bone company the work force is mostly male. I assume the owner is going to formally introduce me tomorrow, I have my speech all worked out already, would you like to hear it? Here it goes:

“I’m very happy to be here, to be a part of the team and I look forward to working with all of you”

I like to keep things short and sweet.

This is not the reason I’m nervous though, the thought of standing in front of a bunch of people I don’t know and giving them my speech does not scare me.
What scares me is the freaken physical I’ll be taking tomorrow.
When I was hired I was told that I had to go take a physical and drug test, I was told they would call me last week to go take it but they never did. So I assume that I’ll be taking this physical on Monday. I’m hoping and prying that all I’ll have to do is pee in a cup.
I hope the doctor doesn’t ask me to get naked, I hate getting naked for doctors!!!!!
I've been blessed so far with great health but I have had one pervert doctor play with my “huevos” before and making me cough. What the fuck is up with that? Freaken Perv!!!
The thought of this make me want to throw up, what if the Dr. wants to check my ass too?
I’m only 31, far to young to be submitted to the ass test but since I’ll be standing there all exposed already I wouldn’t put it past the Dr. to want to take a closer look at my stink hole.

I wish I had thought about this before I accepted the position, if I had I would have negotiated higher pay.

The moment you've all been waiting for.

2008-05-02T10:09:00.003-05:00

So, the moment you’ve all been waiting for is here. I give you “The Pergola”

Rain, Rain go away, come back next week !!!

2008-04-28T09:18:00.002-05:00

So I’m off this week. I’m taking a week off before I start my new job. Seems like I picked the worst week weather wise to take off. There's nothing but rain in the forecast, I have Sox tickets (baseball) for today but its raining and cold, it’s like 45 degrees.
I had planned to build the Pergola his week but now I my not be able to, sorry guys I know how much you're all dying to see it.
Maybe this would be a good time to finish writing my movie, it’s about a bunch of people who start killing a bunch of people, lots of violence and guns.
This reminds me that last week I went with by brother to go shoot me a gun. I’d never shoot one before, my brother owns two of them so we went to go shoot. It was pretty fun, kind of like throwing darts but with bullets. I had pictures to post but I’m too stupid to figure out how to do it, my computer knowledge is limited.
In Illinois you need to register to get a gun, you fill out an application, wait a couple of weeks for the back ground check and you’re done. Seems too easy, you have to do allot more then that to get a drivers license. I think we need to come up with a test before giving someone a gun. I know there are allot of responsible gun owner around but I’m sure there’s allot of dumb asses that own guns too.
Most crime in the US is committed with illegally obtained guns, so maybe it doesn’t matter. Criminals will get a hold of them one way or another, I wonder what the percentage of murders were committed with registered legal guns.
My brother was allot better then me at target practice, most of his shots were on the chest or head. Most of my shots didn’t even make a hole on the target thing….. that’s because I was aiming for the dudes legs. Had it been a full figured target thing all my holes would have been on the knees and the nuts.

Last Day

2008-04-25T06:49:00.003-05:00

So today is my last day at the dog bone place, on the way here I was trying to come up with a list of things that I’m going to miss about this place and it was quite difficult so I decided to make a list of the things that I will not miss.

The smell, it smells like cow, dog and monkey ass all at once. During the summer some of the material starts to spoil and we have to put lime on it to get rid of the smell and to prevent it from spoiling.

My bosses wife, enough said! You all know exactly how I feel about her. Can you believe that just a month ago she told one of the workers that I was irresponsible because last year during the summer I came in about 5 minutes late. I had a few people starting at 4am in the morning to set things up for everyone else who were starting at 5am ( this is when we were really busy ) In 15 months that I worked here I never missed a single day, I came in to work with “man colds” and all. I was 5 min. late ONE time and I’m irresponsible!!!!!?????
I seem to remember when I was hired that my starting time was 6am so I was actually
1 hr 55 min early you fucken piece of shit bitch hoe !!!!!!!!
The bitches mother (her mom works here) also has a set of keys but that day she conveniently forgot her keys, what a bunch of crap. The old lady didn’t open the door just so she could tell her daughter that I was late, she wanted to make me look bad.

The drive, I currently drive 30 miles each way thru the very heart of downtown Chicago. My next job is only 8 miles from my house, I won’t even have to get on the highway.
I’m going to save a crap load on gas (petrol for all my British reader) Maxine’s got like 25,000 miles on her already.

The hours, I put in way too many hours. I had to work a few Saturday’s and even some Sunday’s.

The heat, the dog bones dry in ovens so I have to often go in the ovens to check how they’re coming out and if they’re dry. I think that’s part of the reason I’m losing my hair.
Sergio where the hell is my Mexican shampoo????????

I actually did come up with something I’ll miss, the “Chick Fights” about 80% of the workforce was female and we had a couple of chick fights, I love chick fights!

I’m kind of pissed off because Jessica Alba lost her title of Sexiest Woman Alive to Megan Fox, I guess once Jessica recovers from her Fetal Disease and loses those Fetus pounds she’ll be back on top. Megan Fox is definitely worthy of holding the title till then.

Kia problems

2008-04-23T06:11:00.001-05:00

So, I got a call yesterday from the girl that bought the wife’s old car, the Kia.
She claims that she drove it for fifteen minutes and that the check engine light, oil and battery light all came on and she was not longer able to drive the car. This girl is 18 years old, she looked about 16. First thought was she must be retarded. We just spent $450 dlls fixing all that was wrong with it, I told her the best I could do was to give her the receipt of the work done, she can then take it back to the same shop and ask them to look at it. Maybe they didn’t install something right. I then called the shop owner and explained what was happening, he said he would take a look at the car and if it was something they missed or a defective part he would fix it.
A few minutes later I get a call from her mother saying stuff like.
I once sold a car with a blown engine for $200 dlls, I told the buyer all the problems that the car had. My daughter is just a kid that saved all her money to buy the car and now it doesn’t work, why would you do that to a kid?
She should have never bought the car behind my back!!
I knew the car was worthless and sold it to her for a good price, I didn’t give a shit about her daughter breaking her piggy bank, stupid kid. She just learned a valuable lesson. I’m kidding, I’m kidding!!!
Turns out the girl did this behind the mothers back, when she picked up the car she was with her father. I told the lady that if she’s 18 she can for sure own a car.
Yea, but she didn’t even give you her right name, she used mine and signed mine. Her father doesn’t live with us anymore, hasn’t for years.
You certainly can not hold me responsible for that, she was with her father. Be mad at him not me. I spoke to the shop owner, take the car in and he’ll look at it for you.

I’m having these phone conversations while at the Vet. I had to take my dog Nikki in because some stupid big dog tried to eat her. Nikki is about 10 lbs. the other dog was a huge Saint Benard. The wife was pissed off because I stepped outside when I should have stayed with her and Nikki who was bleeding and needed to be held down so that the Vet could tend to the wound. The Wife was all scratched up.
The Wife and I agreed that if they take the Kia in and it turns out the mechanics missed something and fix it we would give them their money back if they want it. I would never screw (financially) an 18 year old girl.

I finally got a call from my new possible employer, he wants me to come in on Friday to hear his offer. YES !!!!!!

Patrick

2008-04-21T06:17:00.002-05:00

So the wife and I got Patrick over the weekend. Last Wednesday The Wife called and told me the KIA was shaking and that she didn’t think she would make it home. I told her to get off the highway and wait for me to get to her. I drove the Kia to the mechanic and somewhere in the middle of dinner we decided it was time to get Patrick.
I’m still pissed at the fact that Patrick and Maxine are going to have car sex but oh well, it was time.
I hate car sales people, we picked out the car she wanted but they didn’t have it in the color The Wife wanted so they had to bring one in from some storage location. The next day we went to pick it up, when they took us to see him we were surprised to see it was the wrong color !!!
So the manager is trying to get us to buy the wrong color car for a little discount.
“If I save you a little money would you become color blind?” he asked.
The Wife has been driving the same car for over ten years, she was having none of it. She knew exactly what she wanted. Unfortunately the color she wanted was no where to be found, no cars in that color were available in the entire Midwest. They finally found one that was being shipped to New Jersey, the manager had to make a deal with the New Jersey manager. The Chicago guy had to give up two trucks that were coming to him in order to get Patrick, it's funny how the manager acted like he was doing us a big favor.
I told The Wife he did what he had to do to make a sale.
They let us borrow the wrong color car until Patrick arrived.
We were calling the wrong color car “Fake Patrick”
I didn’t park fake Patrick in the garage because I don’t want Maxine to turn into a slut. Fake Patrick first then the real Patrick….I don’t think so.
Just in case you were wondering, no, I haven’t gotten a call from my new possible employer and at the end of the month I’ll be jobless.
No worries though, the new boss gave me his word and that’s good enough for me.
If he doesn’t call me this week then I’ll go into panic mode.
After getting the Kia fixed for a mere $450 dlls we sold her the next day,
Craig’s list is awesome.
I saw a girl get shit on by a flying bird over the weekend, that was pretty funny.

A family divided

2008-04-17T07:09:00.000-05:00

So, It’s been Bee’s tradition over the last few years to host a Halloween Party. Last year I hosted it (check Bee’s post from last year to see me wearing my Mariachi suit) yesterday I decided to take Bee’s Halloween party away from her. It will be at my house from now until forever.
See, my birthday is Oct. 28 so it makes more sense for me to host it, I haven’t told Bee yet, I wonder if she’ll get mad. What if she gets mad and decides to host one anyway and tears apart the family. Sister Nancy would go to hers, Sergio would come to mine, my Mom, Natalia and Sofia would come to mine, Rick…hummm not sure.
Of course you’re all invited; you have plenty of notice.
I’m sure Brian, Tracy and Jean would come to mine.
Give it up Bee, you lost! Join me! Lets join our evil forces, together we could throw one hell of a party! (the wife doesn’t want me to use the word HELL anymore, she wants me to say H-E double hockey sticks)

The wife only likes to watch chick movies and little kid movies, I usually don’t mind but seems like lately that’s all I’ve been watching, I’ve had enough for a while. I like twisted, bloody movies that are full of violence and some nudity. It doesn’t have to be soft porn but I do appreciate a boob shoot here and there.
Over the weekend she was trying to get me to watch “The last Mimzy”
I told her:
“ NO, that sounds like a little kid movie”
No its not
Well, is the main character a little kid?
No, it’s a stuffed animal.
I rest my case.

After the Pope was done with his speech yesterday President Bush (who I voted for, sorry for that) told the Pope “Thank your Holiness, awesome speech”
Awesome speech?????????

I QUIT !!!!!!!

2008-04-15T06:05:00.001-05:00

So I quit my job yesterday. No I don’t have a new one yet but I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE !
I called my possible new employer on Friday and he said “we are moving forward with you but we’re still working out the numbers” That was good enough for me. I don’t even need to hear the offer yet, no matter what it is I would take it.
I don’t think they would low ball me because I told them what I needed to make in order to join them.
Was it a mistake? Should I have waited a few more days?
I don’t want to work past this month, next month we'll be in the new location and I want nothing to do with that. Since there’s only two weeks left to this month I gave him notice. I decided not to trash his wife or offer to kick her in the nuts, no point. Why end it bad. Last week was the straw that broke the camels back. We were getting a large dumpster delivered for our garbage, I had everything planned, I knew exactly where I wanted to put it to make it easy for us to load. The bitch of course called her husband and told him she didn’t think I should put it there, my boss then called me and told me to move it. If I can’t decide where to put a fucken garbage can I have no business being here. Later that day it began to rain and the workers had to load it in the rain, had I been able to put the dumpster where I wanted it no one would have gotten wet.

The Pope is coming to the USA, a couple of months ago the wife have me a book for monthaversary. It’s about the most important things that happened over the last 1,000 years. So if I want to know what happened in the year 1,520 I look at my book.
I started reading it in order, I didn’t realize that all the old Popes were real ass holes.
They killed a bunch of people and were so power hungry it just blew my mind.
They were like the kings of the world.
I wonder if the Pope still uses the Popemobil?

My time has come!!! Wife please do not read this post

2008-04-11T06:01:00.001-05:00

So, as you all might know by now my brother in law Andy was invited to a bachelor party and over the course of the weeks leading up to the party I was unsuccessfully trying to get myself invited. As the word unsuccessfully indicated I was not successful.
I was a little sad, then mad then a little sadder then madder, eventually I got over my sadness and madness and continued to live my life. I can’t let something like this ruin the rest of my days on earth!
But there was hope on the horizon, light at the end of the tunnel. I started to hear words like “engagement ring, proposal, hand in marriage, backpacking and Rome” my little ears got pointier and pointier trying to listen in, looks like my time has come!
Turns out that someone in my circle just got engaged on a backpacking trip to Rome!
I’m so happy for myself! I will not doubt be invited to this bachelor party!
Feel free to congratulate me now, I knew the tied would change if I just be patient.
ANDY YOU ARE NOT INVITED!!!!!
I’m so happy, oh so happy….
I am a little concerned though because I’m not sure yet if the bachelor is the bachelor party type, I will make it my mission over the next couple of months to guide him in the right direction, after all I am a little older then he is, not necessarily wiser but a little more experienced in the whole marriage thing.
I’ll give vast advise on the marriage thing and sneak in bachelor party comments. Here is an example:

So, in order to get out of doing the dishes make sure you do a crappy job. Leave a couple of pieces of rice and a bean stuck to the plates not to much cause she’ll know you’re faking, one bean is enough. Break one of her favorite plates if you have too. What nationality would you like the strippers to be? Then when you’re done don’t dry off all the water, leave some soap residue on the cups.

Pretend like you have no idea where anything is. If she tells you to sweep tell her she needs to stop hiding the broom. Use the broom to sweep outside then bring it inside to sweep the floors, how does a trip to Vegas sound? Women seem to keep the brooms separate, they use one for the outside and one for the inside. After you ruin a few brooms and get the floors full of mud you should be good.

Summer is coming so tell her it’s your job to maintain the outside of the house and hers to maintain the inside. What better then to cut a little grass then pull out an old rabbit eared antenna TV and watch a baseball game with a beer in your hand, would you like me to make all the party arrangements?

Make sure you establish a weekly allowance, seems like a bad idea at first but its actually a good one. Are you into midget strippers? Try to calculate all the money you’ll need for things she would not want you to buy like…uh, porn and add another 20 bucks to that just in case. Make sure to find a good spot for your porn, every married man has a super secret hiding place. I would recommend a fake section of wall that you can remove, or under something really heavy that doesn’t get moved by her.

Enough of examples for now, I should charge for marital advise.
I’m so happy, oh so happy.
I’m also happy for the newly engaged couple for finding true love and all that other stuff too.
Wife, when is our next dinner or movie night with them?
How about Saturday?
I know I told you not to read but I know you did. I meant nothing of what you just read, must be those Canadian drugs kicking in.

Right or Left !!!!

2008-04-09T06:27:00.001-05:00

So, I went over to the Brits blog and he’s talking about being directionally challenged when it comes to driving. I suffer from the same illness. I wonder if there’s a drug for it, if not they should invent one.
Before the Wife and I started dating I used to be able to get around everywhere without a problem. I’d look get or lookup directions and be where I needed to be, of course every now and then I’d have to double back on the road because I was going the wrong way,
no big deal.
Once we started to go out she made me realize how bad I was at this, or so she thinks.
Every turn I made was always questioned.
Why did you turn on Oak Park? You should have turned on Oketo? Oak Park does this curvy thing that takes you further east.
For years I’ve been turning on Oak Park because I believed it was the best way to get home. Sure I might save an extra 30 seconds of my life but what do they say about the road less traveled (what do they say? I can’t remember)
Soon it got kind of ridiculous, after a movie on the way home she would actually ask me “where are you going”
Uhhh, home.
Home? You should have made a left on River Road instead of taking North Ave. all the way to Harlem.
What?!! What the hell is the difference? Both ways get us home. One bock away from my house she would be telling me to turn right on Schubert (I live on Schubert Ave.) most times she doesn’t talk, she just points her thumb in the wanted direction, like a hitchhiker.
It got so bad that in order to avoid any further arguments I just let her do all the directing.
Anywhere we go I tell her to just tell me “Left, Right or Straight”
Sometimes she’ll say “turn south or north” I’ll be like, uhhh?
Just tell me left or right!
The other day we drove 40 miles to pick up a $3 stool she bought form someone on Craig’s list, we ended up getting lost and I got blamed for it. I’m turning where you tell me to turn so YOU got lost not me. My job is to drive, I’m like your steering wheel, if I get lost when driving alone would it be fair to blame Maxine?
Sometimes she wont say anything even though she knows we’re going the wrong way, when I ask her why she didn’t say anything she says “I knew we were going wrong but you get mad if I tell you”
Uuhhh? I wonder just how far she would let me go? The Canadian or Mexican boarder?
First time I brought her to work she couldn’t believe I was able to find the place. She was so proud of me it was insulting.
Did you leave 5 hrs before the interview?

What Miracle ?

2008-04-07T05:41:00.000-05:00

So, this pregnant man story is really starting to piss me off. I know every birth is a miracle of its own, every sunrise bla, bla , bla
On the news they said “First man ever is pregnant” Oprah said the same thing leading up to him being on the show. Now I understand it’s better to say Pregnant Man because of the shock value. You say this and people will stay on the channel and watch the show to see what the hell is going on, I was one of those who clicked on the Yahoo homepage thinking? Oh SHIT! The human race is over! Because if I were God this, along with cloning are things that would make me flood the earth again.
Once I saw the story and realized that it was a woman who a few years ago cut off her boobs and started taking testosterone in order to grow a beard and thicken her voice I said to myself “What’s the big deal, its still a woman”
That’s going to be one fucked up kid!
What pisses me off is not the fact that she’s pregnant, what do I care? She has the right to have a baby just like anyone else. What pisses me off is all the idiots they showed on TV saying things like:
I can’t believe it, it’s a miracle!
I won’t believe it until I see an ultrasound.

Sure enough they show her having an ultrasound just to convince everyone that she’s knocked up. So a chick with a beard is having a baby, big deal.
By the way if that’s a man, it’s the gayest man I’ve ever seen in my life.
Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

The Interview

2008-04-04T06:15:00.001-05:00

So, I had my second interview with my possible new employer. It lasted 3 hours!!!
That has to be a record for interviews, I meet with the owner the first time, this time I met with the second in command but after about an hour the owner came in and that was another hour, then they got this other guy involved and that was another hour.
I’m like 99.9 % sure I’ll get an offer by next week, I’m almost hoping the bitch pisses me off today.
Not sure if I mentioned before how much I hate my bosses wife but incase I haven’t now you know.
Not sure if I mentioned that my bosses mother in law also works here and acts as a spy for the bitch.
In the latest drama the Grandma (that’s what I call the bitches mom, she’s 65) told everybody in the new location that they’re no longer going to take a break at 1pm.
We currently have a break at 8:30am and 1:00pm, it’s by law in the state of Illinois that in an 8 hour shift you have to give two ten minute breaks and a 1/2 hour lunch.
Everybody over there called me all pissed off and told me what was happening. I told the owner about it and asked him to fix it because I’ve been down that road before and somehow it always blows up in my face.
He later called me and said “I don’t know where you’re getting your information, Grandma says she never tried to take away the 1pm break”
Grandma of course is a liar.
I expect the bitch to come in today all pissed off because of this.
I can’t wait!
Should I leave?
Should I just take it with a smile?
I guess it would be foolish of me to walk away without having a real offer yet.

Fighting the Jean's...or is it Genes or neither

2008-04-02T05:59:00.001-05:00

So, you’re about to read my new post. I try to do at least 3 posts a week. One on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. I think I only did two last week so does that mean I need to do four this week?
Ok, so are you ready to start reading my new post? Here it goes.
I started taking Propecia about a month ago, at the rate I’m going I’ll lose all my hair by the time I’m 35. I know I’ll still look hawt if I were bald but that just doesn’t seem very appealing to me. Propecia is not covered by insurance so I had to pay like 75 bucks for a month supply, the generic Canadian version is 30 bucks for a 3 month supply. Sounds like a great deal but I’m a little worried about buying drugs online. What if instead of Propecia they send me sugar pills, I’ll be fat, bald and most likely depressed. Then I’ll have to take anti-depression pills that will be too expensive so I’ll get the online Canadian version but instead of depression pills they’ll send me Viagra or something, so now I’ll have all these mixed emotions depressed with a boner so I guess a little happy but fatter and still bald. What the Fuck! I’m getting depressed just thinking about it.
Propecia has to be taken once a day for the rest of my life, I usually take it just before bed time (I wonder if this is contributing to all the weird dreams I’ve been having) last night I accedently dropped one into the toilet. I was thinking five second rule, what if I pick it up and wash it a little then take it? It has a protective coating.
Another thing I find interesting is that it says on the bottle that woman who are pregnant should never handle it. What would happen if they did? Hairy baby? Wolf baby?
Would the kid be born with a mullet?
Somewhere down the line I think I’m getting a hair transplant, maybe when I’m in my forties and going thru a mid life crisis.
Like most drugs it also says that it can affect your sex drive, so since I decided to take it am I choosing hair over sex? I THINK NOT!
Most drugs say that to avoid law suits….I hope. I wonder what would happen if I lose my sex drive and then buy Viagra but instead they send me anti-depression pills?
I’ll have hair, be happy but sad cause I can’t get a boner.
This drug think is giving me a headache, seems a lot easier to just go bald.
But what if once I’m bald I get depressed? What if I order anti-depression pills and the send me Propecia. That’s it!!!! That’s the solution!!!!
I’ll order anti depression pills and they’ll send me Propecia, so I’ll have hair and be happy…….but what if they don’t send me Propecia and send me Viagra???????
Bald is beautiful

( I had to spell beautiful like six times before word had any clue what the hell I was trying to write, that’s sad, I'm depressed, I should order some anti depression pills online from Canada) But what if they send me……………………………………..

My new job

2008-03-30T17:36:00.001-05:00

So, I started my new job, happy to no longer have to deal with the bosses wife but at the same time a little sad. Did I fail? Sad because I did meet a lot of good people who I’ll most likely never see again. Oh well, life goes on.

Most of the work force at the new place received me well, however there’s a few guys who I know are going to give me a hard time, the who are you to be telling me what to do type. The I’ve been here for fifteen years and I’ll be dammed if some new guy is going to tell me how to do my job type. No big deal, I’ve dealt with these people before. I’ll just have to lay the smack down on their monkey asses, they better know their roll and shut their mouths! ( those of you who were wrestling fans in the late nineties will recognize those sayings ) I’ll call these people Jabronies.

One of the Jabronies had to surrender his office to me, this guy was not happy. I guess I understand but he’s pissed off at the wrong guy here, you got a problem with it go speak to the owner. I was surprised and happy when I saw my old boss their (the one who’s father died) he was also going to work for this company as a part time commission sales guy. Looks like plenty of Sox and Cubs tickets will be coming my way after all. My old boss sure built me up to my new boss “He’s worth every penny, he won’t let you down”
“He’s worth his weight in gold and has a nice ass”. Just kidding about the nice ass part, I just felt the need to mention that I have a nice ass….or so the wife tells me.

After a few days most everyone now considers me a part of the team and see the value that I bring to the company, along with my nice ass. All except for the Jobroni that lost his office, he has a couple of guys on his side. They think he’s getting screwed, how can they do this to him? He’s been here for twelve years! Why give his office to the new guy!
I’m not too worried about them because I know that as time goes by they will get to like me and admire my ass as well.
A couple of more days go by and their attitude has only gotten worse, I start to wonder if I’ll be able to win them over, maybe my ass isn’t that firm anymore, I should do some squats when I get home. Maybe they’ll hate me longer then I expected.
One day as I was walking thru the top floor (there are 5 floors) I get cornered by the 3 Jabronies, they threaten me and tell me I’m not wanted there. One of them starts to poor gasoline on the floor, the other lights a match and drops it. I’m locked inside, no way out!
All this over a stupid office, I start to look everywhere for an exit, I find a chair and break a window, most of the building is in flames now but somehow I manage to escape. The wife calls me “Are you ok?” News of the fire is all over the TV.
As I’m walking towards paramedics I see two of my former co-workers.
I should have never taken this job.

This is about the time my alarm went off. Is this a sign? What does it mean?
Does anyone think that dreams can help make real life decisions?
The wife said that it’s because I feel guilty about leaving my job.
My second interview is next week.

Part 2, The Conclusion

2008-03-28T08:42:00.000-05:00

So, where did I leave you? Oh yeah, Ramon’s been asking me for her home phone. Of course I told him I couldn’t give it to him. Since there is always two sides to every story I got Ale’s side next.
She says that after the wife(not my wife, Ramon’s wife) called her she hasn’t picked up the phone anymore. Seems like Ramon is now blaming her for everything, he left messages calling her a Puta, this is the worst insult for a woman, it means whore but in Spanish it’s much much wose. He saying things like “You ruined my marriage PUTA”.
Now Ale is extremely pissed off and saying things like “He got busted and trying to blame it all on me, he should man up and deal with it, I don’t know why he’s playing the victim”

Seems like Ramon told his wife there’s this girl at work who won’t leave him alone, his wife isn’t stupid and knows he’s full of shit but now he’s has to stick to his story so what does he do?
He and his wife take a drive to Ale’s house, he knows that her husband works nights and he’s home with the kids in the morning while she’s at work. Ramon and his wife go to the husband and tell him that Ale is causing problems for their marriage.
What a Punk.
I understand that he’s trying to save his marriage and that he had to stick to the story but once he was in front of the girls house he should have come clean. She called your bluff, you lose.
So now the husband is all pissed off and calls her here at work, she of course is all hysterical and crying, during lunch one of her friends came to me and told me what was going on, as they were going back to work Ale asked if I could talk to her husband and tell him nothing happened. Now I have no idea why she would want me to get involved, as she’s asking me I think to myself “Is she crazy?? why would I want to get involved in this crap???!!!”…… So I grab the phone and tell the husband nothing happened, this guy is having problems with his wife and is looking for someone to blame. The husband asked me why didn’t she tell him there was some guy harassing her at work, I would have gone over there and beat the shit out of him he said. I told him that maybe she didn’t want to cause any problems. He then asked me for his last name and address, of course I told him no.
So now Ale and her husband have major problems, after work they call Ramon and his wife, the four of them are on speaker. Ale’s husband is furious and asked if they did it, they both deny ever bumping pelvises. Ale’s husband then tells Ramon he’s coming after him, I’m going to beat the shit out of you he said.
Later that day Ramon called me and asked that I don’t give Ale his address. He says he’s getting a restraining order and that his marriage is over.

I can’t help but feel sorry for Ramon, he just kept on digging his own grave. He’s about to lose everything for a few phone calls. I wish he would of at least gotten laid.
All that being said if I switch jobs again and I need someone I can trust he’ll be the first one I call. He’s my right hand man at work, what do I care about his personal life.

Caught in the middle Part 1

2008-03-26T15:03:00.000-05:00

So, I have some drama at work. I have a work friend who worked with me in the tannery, when that closed down he and I worked for my brother while I was “between jobs”, we were doing house demolition, drywall and all that remodeling stuff. He’s a very hard working guy (that’s why I recommended him to my brother) I’ve always thought very highly of him, you know that saying, “if you’re in a war and stuck in a cubbie hole who would you want by your side? Well other then my brothers he’s on the short list. Actually, now that I’ve given it some thought I don’t want my brothers either, I’d rather have someone like Batman and the Hulk. Sorry Serge but Batman would kick some major ass.
Ok, back to my story. When I got hired at my current place I gave him a job, so in a way I’ve looked after this guy.
His name is Ramon, Ramon is married with 2 kids. He’s been hitting on a girl that works here for quite some time, a different girl from here gave him her number and he’s been calling her. Now, its not harassment, the girl also seemed to like him too, by the way she is also married with a couple of kids. Often they would hang out during breaks and lunch, every now and then he would give me updates on his pursuit. I’m have to admit I would come up to him and ask “So, what’s going on there, did you do her yet?”
I also made fun of him and told him he had no game. I was just busting his balls, that’s all guy talk.
One day he didn’t show up for work so I called him and he said:
I can’t work there anymore, I have to start looking for a job as a truck driver.
He’d been going to driving school to obtain a CDL license so once he got it it made sense to look for a driving job.
No problem I told him.
Well. It turns out that his wife saw a strange number all over their cell phone bill and she got suspicious. She called using his cell phone and to her surprise it was Ale.
The wife asked her what business did she have with her husband and she said:
“I have nothing to do with your husband, he’s the one calling me”
Now Ramon’s wife asked him for a divorce !!!!!!!!!!

I think she’s being too dramatic, the wife (my wife) said she should dump him.
The wife (my wife) says that he cheated on her just by doing that. I totally disagree, I don’t think she should dump him over this. I don’t consider a few phone calls cheating.
Now Ramon called me and he wants me to give him Ale’s home phone because she no longer picks up her cell.
So I gave him her home phone and …….I’m just kidding, I didn’t give him her home phone.
That’s all the time I got for today but this story began on Monday and its gotten so much better.
To be continued….

Nut kicker

2008-03-21T15:42:00.001-05:00

So, I got a call yesterday from the company that I interviewed with about a month ago. At first I didn’t think I would switch jobs but now I can’t wait! They want me to come in first week in April for a second interview, the owner is going on vacation.
The hatred I feel for my bosses wife is more than I can stand. Just the mere sight of her makes my blood boil.
I’d like to thank all the people who volunteered to beat her up for me, you guys all had my back and I’d like you to know that if anything were to happen to any of you I’d be there for you too.
Bee, if you’re having problems with one of the Bats let me know and I’ll take care of them. I don’t care how old and batty they are I’ll kick them in the nuts!
Brian, you didn’t offer to beat her up for me but I’m thinking it was because you figured it wasn’t necessary since so many other people had already volunteered. Either way if there is someone calling you a geek or a trekkie (wait that was me ) I’ll kick them in the nuts!
Jean Knee, is Mr. Cockadodo getting out of line? Let me know and I’ll kick him in the nuts.
Tracy, got some stinky real estate agent you want me to kick in the nuts?
Marisol, don’t know much about you but I’ll be happy to kick someone in the nuts for you.
Stephanie, I hear you’re having problems with your boss, give me his address and I’ll hunt him down and kick him in the nuts!
The wife, you want me to kick someone in the nuts for you, other then me?
I’m in a nut kicking mood today so you better be nice.

I was thinking of what to tell my boss if I were to get an offer, what reason should I give or should I just tell him the truth?
Should I say something like:
“Listen, I like the job but I want to kick your wife in the nuts”
Or should I make up a story, I can tell him I’m moving to Mexico, or that I’m suddenly allergic to the chemicals used at the factory. I’ve never quit a job in my adult life so I’m not to sure how to handle the situation.
Should I give notice or quit as soon as I get an offer? What would be proper notice? 2 weeks? One month?

I think I’m going with something like:
“Sorry, but you of all people should understand just how annoying your wife is. I can’t take it anymore. I must put an end to the Chinese water torture, would you like me to kick her in the nuts for you?”
I feel bad for all the workers, once I’m gone they will continue to be abused. You know before I got there they weren’t allowed to have water by their work stations because according to her the more they drink the more they’ll have to pee. Most of the workers are people with limited options and job opportunities so they have to put up with her shit,

My bosses wife is a stupid bitch

2008-03-19T07:01:00.002-05:00

So, its been a week since my last post and I would like to apologize to the people for taking so long.
It is for you, the people that I do this blog, the people complained about going to my blog and seeing the title “Maxin’s Cherry” over and over again. Sorry people, I’ve been kind of distracted and busy at work so I haven’t had much time. Amanda is having final exams and is in need of the computer/desk so I haven’t been able to do it from home.

Ok, now that that’s out of the way let me begin.
This is a disclaimer to all the people who find foul language offensive.
If you are offended by the following words please do not continue reading:
Bitch, Fucken Bitch, Slut, Hoe, Piece of Shit Bitch, Stupid fucken bitch.

Now for those of you who are still here I’m about to vent for a while, yea, yea I know you all have your own problems bla, bla, bla I know you usually come here to laugh at me but today is not funny post day.
My bosses wife is a Fucken stupid bitch slut, piece of shit hoe. I hate her so much I would like to ki…….ck her ass.
She is the most annoying person I will ever meet in all my lives. She insults my intelligence, work ethic, honesty, trustworthiness, integrity and decision making every time she’s here.
She always overstates the obvious, she will ask me question and then later ask all the employees the same just to confirm that I’m not lying. She will contradict orders I give without consulting me. Why are you doing A instead of B, when I do B then it becomes, why are you doing B instead of A? I pick my battles with her but I’ve had enough of her shit!
My company has two locations, yesterday I called the foremen of the other location to check how many hours they had worked. I know they are only supposed to work 40hrs. a week but since I’ve been here we always call just to confirm my assistant usually calls but she wasn’t here yesterday. Someone could have been late or left early one day, called in sick, or whatever. Unfortunately she picks up the phone so I tell her, “ I was just calling to get the hours from last week”
Well don’t you know?
No, I don’t, that’s why I’m calling.
Well you’re the manager, you’re supposed to know how many hours they work.
Yes, I agree with you and that is exactly the purpose of this phone call, so that I do know.
So you don’t know!??!
No, I don’t can I talk to the foreman?
Well, no one is working overtime so they all have 40hrs.
Ok, 40 it is.

I have to put up with this kind of stuff several times a day, its not like I can go tell her to fuck herself after all she is the owners wife. We are currently moving to a different location, a truck is going back and forth with the equipment. Monday she was present while we were loading the truck. We had just begun to load when she came over and was like, “ put that on the truck, and that, and that” she then follows the truck to where it's being unloaded and announces to all the people working there.
“If it wasn’t for me, none of this stuff would have made it on the truck, Dan doesn’t bother loading anything on the truck, he would have sent it half full if I hadn’t been there” so now I got all the people calling me telling me what’s she’s saying.
How stupid does she think I am?
She’ll say things behind my back like “Dan isn’t one third of what our last manager was”
This is insulting to me, I’ve made so many improvements! Seems like she needs to see everyone running like a chicken with its head cut off to be happy.
I should mention that I’m like the 10th person to have this position, according to all the workers all the previous managers have quit because they all hated her. That’s too bad for my boss because he’s a really cool guy. I’d trade her for all the bats in a heartbeat.
By the way Bee, thanks for putting the “I’m fuking Matt Damon” song in my head. I was singing it the whole day yesterday. One guy asked me “Your fucking what?”
I’m fucking cold, its cold in here.

Maxine's Cherry

2008-03-12T05:58:00.001-05:00

So, the wife is due for a new car. She’s had hers for over ten years and since I got mine last year it’s her turn. We’re not getting it until next year but we’re currently doing our research. Yesterday we went to a Nissan dealer to check out the new 2 door Altima.
It’s very nice and sporty, just what she’s looking for. Of course the typical pushy salesman hounded us and the term “what do I need to do to earn your business today” was used about 2,450,545 times. The Altima seems to be her car of choice; she even named him “Patrick” already.
Patrick was the main topic of conversation the rest of the night, we discussed price, gas mileage, financing and all other things related to buying a car. Eventually the garage space topic came up and we talked about how we’d have both cars in the garage.
The wife then said, “Patrick is going to bust Maxine’s cherry”
I said “No he’s not”
Yeah he is, she said.

Suddenly I’m not liking this Patrick idea anymore!!!! The thought of Maxine having car sex with Patrick is really pissing me off!!!
I have these images of him screwing Maxine that I have not been able to get out of my head, it’s driving me crazy. Is there some kind of chastity belt thing for cars? If not I’m going to invent one.
I’m pretty sure Maxine is still a virgin because she currently shares a garage with the wife’s Kia, Maxine is a Cadillac and there’s no way she would put out for a freaking Kia. But I am worried about this Patrick, the new car smell, fancy new tires and shiny rims. Ahhhh I can’t….no….don’t….the horror !!!!! Dam you Patrick!!! Dam the day you were built!!!!
That’s it!!!
Patrick is going to be parked on the street!
On the rare occasions when I let Patrick sleep in the garage, I’m going to leave the light on and come in without warning. I’ll walk on my tippy toes if I have to.

Is this going to happen anyway?
Despite all my efforts is she going to eventually put out?
Maybe I should just resign myself that it’s going to happen. Maybe I should just pop her cherry myself so I can at least have that over him. I can look him straight in the headlights and say “I was her first”.
Yeah, that’s the perfect solution, when I get home today I’m going to give her a good wash. Park her in the garage, light a candle or two, pop some sensuous music in her CD player, Fiona Apple’s “Give me the first taste” is one of my favorite get layed songs and then remove her gas cap and get busy.
JA-JA-JA how’d you like that Patrick? I’m tapping that muffler too.
I wonder if that would improve my gas mileage? If it does I could become an instant millionaire due to my high testosterone levels. I should buy some advertising space on my own blog, $5.99 a quart.

Bad Taste Post

2008-03-10T06:55:00.002-05:00

So, I got an e-mail on Saturday about my former bosses father dying. He was about 96 years old and been in a nursing home for the last couple of years. He also worked with me and up until 92 he drove himself to work everyday. That’s pretty impressive.
My old boss is a huge sports fan, he has season tickets to the Cubs, Sox and Blackhawks.
While I was working with him he always gave me tickets, almost once a week. Since I left my old job we kind of lost contact with each other so tickets have been fewer and farther between.
Now is it wrong form me to want to attend this funeral so that I may sneak in sports comments like. “Sorry your dad is dead, he was blessed with a long life, if you have any extra tickets this year give me a call”
How about these.
“Need some help with the casket? Got any extra tickets?
“He’s in a better place now, death is inevitable, what do you think about the new Cubs player?”
“Nice reception, the casket is beautiful, sooooo, huuuhhh, you going to any baseball games this year?”
“Hey were you planning on taking your dad to any games this year? Can I take his spot?”
If you guys have any better ways to bring up sports and tickets let me know.

I heard on the radio this morning that a hair stylist got shot yesterday for a bad hair cut.
That’s not funny at all…..ok, it’s a little funny. She got shot in the back while trying to run, she’s not dead. How is this woman ever going to work again, would you want to get your hair cut by the stylist that got shot for giving a bad haircut? She needs to find a new job. How can someone suck so bad at their job to provoke someone to shoot at them.

Careful what you ask for

2008-03-07T05:34:00.001-06:00

So a couple of days ago the wife was doing some work around the house, dishes, cooking or something, you know the normal wife stuff. I could tell that she was upset over something but I have no idea what so I ask her.
Why are you upset?
She goes on a rant about cleaning and cooking and how a woman’s work is never done bla, bla, bla, while I get to sit around watching TV bla, bla, bla. She gets home tired from work too bla, bla, bla.

You see, me and the wife have had a pretty good deal since we first moved in together.
I do all the man stuff that needs to be done inside and outside the house. She never has to clean snow, take out the garbage, clean Nikki’s shit, mow the lawn, fix stuff around the house, build pergolas (yea, I just had to bring that up again !!! my blog would be nothing without my beautiful pergola) See, that is my responsibility, I wouldn’t want her doing any of these things. Lately it seems like she’s been trying to sneak new stuff in, I mop the floors every now and then and help her put away my clothes, shit the other day I even helped her match my socks. If I have to continue doing this I’m buying 20 new pair that are exactly the same and throwing away all the old ones. I even started bringing all the dishes to the sink because according to her if I see her doing dishes I should at least gather all the dirty ones around the house and bring them to her.

Since she seemed to be very upset and felt that her load was way bigger than mine I in my infinite retardation told her. If you want my help with something else just ask me, don’t assume I’m just going to put my shoes in the closed out if the kindness of my heart, in fact just put down in writing what you want me to help you with and I’ll do it. I should have known there was something fishy going on when she all of the sudden got over her bad mood.
Here is the list that was given to me last night.

1) Remove sheet and pillow cases from our bed and replace with clean ones.
2) Pick up all dirty laundry and take down to the basement.
3) Hang up and put away all clean laundry.
4) Dust all the dressers.
5) Take any dishes to the kitchen.
6) Sweep the floors.
7) Scrub bedroom toilet with Ajax.
8) Scrub bathtub with Ajax.
9) Scrub sink with Ajax.
10) Wipe all the wood surfaces with wood polish.
11) Empty bathroom trash.
12) Mop floors every other week
.
You can start feeling sorry for me now! Are you kidding me wife, are you kidding me. I think I’m moving back to my mommy’s.
I was expecting something like put your shoes away and pick up Nikki’s toys. What she gave me is like a whole Saturday worth of stuff, might even bleed into Sunday!
After giving me this enormous list she proceeded to turn off the lights, then using both our cell phones like glow sticks she did some kind of victory woman dance.
If anyone would like to assist me with my new job please feel free to stop by.
Is this fair? I need the people to weigh in on this one.
This is my eleventh post, no cheating you can’t be 7th, 8th, 9th, 10th and 11th.

I'm not posting today

2008-03-05T08:38:00.002-06:00

So I wanted to do a post today but couldn’t really come up with anything good. Is it normal for such a young handsome blogger to have writers block so early in his career?
Is my blog destined for failure? I mean I’v done like 8 post and the well is all dried up already.
I thought of writing about my experience at the local Walmart while picking up the Pergola but I said to myself “ the pergola again?” nah, I’m sure all the people who visit this blog are sick of reading about it.
It was a little funny how I went to pick up a Pergola and walk out of there with NO Pergola and a couple of chaises. After the wife gave the lady at the counter her info she asked “You’re here to pick up 2 chaises and a pergola?”
I quickly replied
No, just a Pergola.
Well, I have a couple of chaises too.
Turns out the I WAS also picking up a couple of chaises that I knew nothing about. By the way a chaise is a chair, kind of like the ones they have by the pools. The Pergola was still on the truck so I have to go back later.
I didn't write about this because it’s just not that funny.
I was also going to write about how happy I am the Bret Favre retired, but if you’re not a Bears fan why would you care?
So I decided not to post today due to writers block, since I had already set a side 30 min. of my day and now had nothing to do, I clicked on a few of the other blogs to see what they had to say.
I was impressed by how much work it seems people put into their blogs. It must take them at least 2 or 3 hours to finish a post. I don’t have that kind of time.
I don't have time to take and upload pictures and all that fancy stuff.
So I’m afraid to announce that I will no longer post.
Yeah, sorry guys but I can’t handle the pressure of making you laugh, I’ll just stick to posting comments on your blogs.
I know you are all very disappointed but don’t worry, I will live on thru my lovely sister Bee, she lives on.
You know what, I changed my mind, I’ll continue posting but I’ll just skip today.
Forgot to mention that I have a spare bedroom and I’m going to offer it to
“ Blanket “ because Michel Jackson is loosing his house.

random thoughts

2008-03-03T16:40:00.002-06:00

So, we ran out of checks last week and the wife ordered some new ones. Our old checks had a logo of the Chicago White Sox baseball team they were grey and black.
The new checks arrived and I ask her to give me a couple, I always like to keep a couple of them in my wallet just in case I ever need one.
She hands me these pink things with a rainbow and some pretty little stars on them, some of them have a smiley sun or moon.
These can’t be my checks!?!?!
Why was the design changed without my approval?
I’m not the bill payer in the house, and most of our stuff is now done by online banking but still, pink with rainbows?!?!
I mean, these things have my name on them. I have a reputation to uphold here. I’ve got my own friken dictatorship, how are my subordinates going to have any kind of respect for a man with pink checks?
That’s a sure way to get assassinated. As the ruler of Vertanovia I must order me some new ones.

Today is a great day, the “ Pergola” has arrived at my local Walmart so I’m picking the thing up after work. Now I have to build the thing, I hate building things, reading something like” Insert screw F into washer A and place it in hole P” makes me want to kill myself. BEE I need to borrow Andy for a few hours. By the way I’m sooo, sooo, tried and sore right now. I made a mistake and understaffed for today so I had to step in a do some of the heavy lifting, man those guys really bust there ass for a mere $7.50 an hour. I can barley lift my right arm.
I was pulling 50 lbs rawhides all day, doesn’t sound that heavy but after a couple of hours trust me it is. It doesn’t help that they’re wet and also smell like dog ass. I actually feel sorry for those guys….nah, no I don’t. It’s not my fault they don’t speak English. I’m kidding, I’m kidding. I really do feel sorry for them.

The wife cooked some fish on Friday, the food was good but the house still smells like fucken fish! No more fish cooking in my house. As I was spelling fucken Word highlighted fucken like a misspelled word. Isn’t fuck a recognized word by now?
I heard a comedian once ( don’t know the name so I can’t give credit ) do an act about how fuck was the greatest word in the English language.
It can be used as a verb, a noun, an adverb, pronoun etc.
That single word can be used to express surprise, happiness, sadness, terror etc.
The bit was halarious; I do it no justice by writing it down.

Went to see a movie called Penelope last night, its about a girl that has a pig nose due to a curse. As you might imagine it was not my turn to pick. I’m thinking about becoming a movie reviewer, tons of other people do it so why not me. I can do a thumb up or down type of thing too.
I would keep it short and sweet.

tagged by Bee

2008-03-01T10:24:00.005-06:00

Bee said she would kick me out of the cool crowd if I didn’t answer these questions.

1. What is your occupation?
dog bones
2. What color are your socks right now?
skin color, not wearing any socks or underwear.
3. What are you listening to right now?"
nothing. The sound of my keyboard.
4. What was the last thing that you ate?
orange chicken
5. Can you drive a stick shift?
no, do they still make those things ?
6. If you were a crayon, what color would you be?who came up with these questions ?
I’d be I don’t know. Never thought about being a crayon.
7. Last person you spoke to on the phone?
The wife.
8. Do you like the person who sent this to you?
Yes,
9. Favorite drink?
Coke, which I gave up for lent.
10. What is your favorite sport to watch?
Football ( American football )
11. Have you ever dyed your hair?
yes, I played Jesus in a play once when I was about 7 and the people running the show thought it would be better if I died my hair blondish. Guess they didn’t know Jesus was a jew, who retarded is that.
12. Pets?
Yes “ Nikki “ my doggie, she’s a Pug / Terrier mix.
13. Favorite food?
Mom’s red chicken.
14. Last movie you watched?
Bourn Ultimatum.
15. Favorite Day of the year?
I guess Christmas, qt with family and gifts.
16. What do you do to vent anger?
Punch holes in walls, and throw stuff around. Although I should mention that it takes allot to get me mad.
17. What was your favorite toy as a child?
Never really had any…oh wait I did have some Sompers. They were like little trucks that ran on batteries.
18. What is your favorite, fall or spring?
Spring, cause I know summer is close.
19. Hugs or kisses?
I’m with Bee on this one, high fives and hand shakes.
20. What kind of pie?
Strawberry cheese cake.
21. Do you want your friends to email you back?
sure
22. Who is most likely to respond?
respond to what ?
23. Who is least likely to respond?
response to what ?
24. Living arrangements?
House
25. When was the last time you cried?
Maxine hit a pothole and one of her rims was damaged.
26. What is on the floor of your closet?
shoes
27. Who is the friend you have had the longest that you are tagging?
I’m not passing the tag along.
28. The friend you have known the shortest amount of time that you are tagging?
read above.
29. Favorite smell?
huh ?
30. What inspires you?
Bee, you are such a tree hugger for sending me this.
31. What are you afraid of?
Going bald.
32. Plain, cheese or spicy hamburgers?
Cheese
33. Favorite car?
Maxine, Black Cadillac STS.
34. Favorite cat breed?
hate cats !!! but I guess that dude from the Thundercats, I think his name was Leono.
35. Number of keys on your key ring?
16
36. How many years at your current job?
one
37. Favorite day of the week?
Saturday.
38. How many provinces have you lived in?
Is that English for town ? then 4.
39. How many countries have you been to?
2.

There Bee hope you're happy, whoever came up with this idea will suffer under my rule.

Advertise Here

2008-02-29T05:59:00.001-06:00

So, I’m visiting the Bee Hive yesterday and she tells me that people actually make money by blogging. I know some real famous people make money but she told me that everyday people like me could also make money by selling advertising space on the side bar of your blog.
I’m pretty new to blogging but I’m all for making a buck whenever possible.
So, I want to give all of you, my loyal readers first crack to purchase space on my blog.
Take advantage now while the price is still cheap. After today I’m going to all the major companies like Microsoft, Sony, all the Phone companies.
In fact, I’m not that picky at all. I’ll sell space to anyone who’s willing to pay me for it.
Why didn’t I think of this sooner !!!!!!!
I don’t care what your selling or buying, I’ll be your conduit, thru me you can reach at least 6-10 people with plenty of disposable ( or is that disposed of ) income to buy your stuff.
Had your house on the market for a few months now ? Forget Realtor or Remax !
Advertise here ! I’ll sell you prime space next to one of my funny jokes for only $5.99.
That’s right ladies and gents. You get to buy a one inch square space on my blog.
Bee, you want to sell some of that left over crap from last summers yard sale?
Jean Knee, you want to sell some of those creepy eyed looking cat things?
Brian, how about you? want to sell some English stuff you don’t use anymore.
Tracy, looking for someone to help you paint your house green?
Serge, need to rent those empty apartment?
Nancy, need a new job? Post your resume here!
You must act now…wait hold on my phone is ringing, that was Fox ! They want to run some adds for their shows !!!
You guys better hurry before a sign a deal with them.
Remember, I have no morals, I’ll whore my blog space out to anyone.
Looking for love ? Post your picture here. Have a job opening?
Speaking of job, I mentioned in my first post about a job interview I was going to. I know you’ve all been wondering but probably felt it would be inappropriate to ask if I got the job, well I don’t think so since they haven’t called me yet. I think I’m just to good for them.
Although it doesn’t really matter anymore since I’m about to make a fortune blogging.
Look, see that, look over to the right of your screen…see that? THAT SPACE COULD BE YOURS !!!!!!!
I expect every one of you to tell everyone you know about this one in a life time opportunity.

somebody's watching me

2008-02-27T06:20:00.001-06:00

So the Wife convinced me yesterday into letting her buy a “pergola” something about how she was now entitled to spend an equal amount of money as I did when I bought the Playstation 3 , first thing that came to my head after she asked was “What, the fuck is a pergola”. Well I’m sure you ladies know exactly what that is but let me explain to those of you who don’t have your very own built in vajayjay.
It’s a hollow square looking structure with a tarp over it, the tarp is to provide shade. Kind of like a big square umbrella…..shade only cost me, us $ 500.
Yesterday while at the in-laws watching all the Hildog-Obama coverage she goes online to purchase our oversized umbrella. Within a couple of minuets before she was even done with the transaction my phone rings.
“ Hello, can I speak with Ms. Cordova ?’
Sure, who is this ?
It’s Chase Bank.
At this point I’m wondering why they would call her on my cell. What did they want I ask her.
“Oh, they just wanted to know if that was actually me trying to make that purchase.

Is that scary or what? How did they do that so quickly?
I think what bothers me more then anything is the fact that they called me.
I’m never using my debit again, they might call my wife on me !!!!
Hello, Ms. Cordova, just wanted to confirm that was you trying to buy online porn. Busted!!!! Not that I ever buy porn online, I was just trying to make a point. Actually its said that every man has his own super secret porn stash hidden somewhere in the house. I for one….lets move on here, that’s a whole different post, we’re getting off the track.
By the way the pergola makes me thing of that song “ Its time for the perculator”
So for the rest of the day I was singing “ It’s time for the Pergola, beeeeep, It’s time for the Pergola, beeeeep” I actually do the beeeep’s.
Later in the day after the purchase was made I was informed that the pergola doesn’t count in the “ I get to spend equal amount “ category since this is for the family.
Yeah, she made me realize how much I always wanted my own Pergola….beeeep.

Gut Boy

2008-02-24T20:21:00.003-06:00

So, I gave up the following for Lent: Pizza, Pop, Ice cream, Burgers, Fries and Beer.
First time I’ve given anything up, I did it kind of as a diet. I’ve been trying to lose some weight for a while now, I’m not a big porker but I could stand to lose about 20 lbs around the gut area. All my excess fat is stored there, all in the gut, the rest of my body is somewhat still tone.
When I first started dating my wife I was a lean exercising machine ( about 175 lbs, 8 % body fat ) who knew love was so fattening.
I have a room in my basement set up as a gym, plenty of free weights, a bench, elliptical machine and a stationary bike. You would think this should be enough to stay lean, but it isn’t. That has become the most unused room( by me ) in the house. Actually I take that back, there’s also a bathroom down there that I visit regularly since I’m not allowed to use the upstairs bathrooms to make stinky. The chocolate factory can only operate downstairs.
I do work out on Monday’s, I always tell myself “I’m starting off the week strong” so I work out on Monday’s but that’s usually my first and last workout of the week. I skip Tuesday, Wednesday’s I go to my Moms house after work and Thursday’s I say to myself “ this week is almost over, no point now, I’ll start for sure next week.
I have been able to stay away from all the bad stuff I gave up on, except of course for that one time I had rum and coke by mistake. By the way I do think that I cheated, my brother and his wife gave up meat so does that mean they can put a big steak in a tortilla and call it a taco ? I don’t think so.
Here is my problem, I haven’t lost a single pound !!!!
I’ve found substitutes for all I gave up.
Beer has now been replaced by Mike’s hard Lemon Aid and Parrot Bay Wine coolers.
Ice Cream, which I often have a bowl with a little milk before bed has been replaced by Peanut Butter cookies.
Burgers a fries have been replaced by burritos, you know those big huge ones with that giant flower tortilla.
Pop is been replaced by more coffee and artificially flavored fruit drinks.
So instead of getting rid of old bad eating habits I’m gaining new ones, what the hell is going to happen when lent is over and all the stuff I gave up on is fair game??
I see myself going to bed now with a huge Ice Cream bowl with peanut butter cookies floating in the milk.
When the wife doesn’t cook am I going to eat a burrito as an appetizer before the burgers and fries ?
Seems to me like I should make better use of my home gym. I’ll keep you all up to date with my weigh-ins, I got a new scale yesterday it says 198 lbs. Weight was taken like I came into this world….
The title came from the wife, one night I was telling her that she needs to motivate me to work out, I told her “you need to call me fat ass, say something like come on fat ass lets go work out”
She said
No sweetie that sounds too mean, I’ll just call you gut boy.

Maxine

2008-02-21T07:51:00.003-06:00

So I got a new car last year, first one in my life.
First car that didn’t first belong to my older brother and first car I bought without having to vacuum the ashes out of the tray.
First car I didn’t find French fries under the seat along with nickels, pennies and dimes
(Actually finding loose change was a good thing)
AAAAHHHH that new car smell, still has it by the way. I can’t believe out of all the scents available for cars no one has come up with a new car smell sent, I would buy it.
Nobody better steal my idea !!!!!!!

So I didn’t realize that back when I bought Maxine I was also surrendering my right to ever spend a single penny other then gas and food.
“Sweetie I need some new jeans these are full of holes”
“ Well, let me see hummm, we did get that new car so maybe after it’s paid for”
“ Can I get a snickers candy bar?”
“ That’s not in the budget at the moment”.

I’ve been working her over for months to get the new Playstation 3; I’ve used every excuse I could, Birthdays, Anniversaries, Christmases, Thanksgivings, MLK day, Easter, Canadian Easter Day.

I abused every holiday possible “ Sweetie it’s Good Friday, can I get the PS3?
It’s Cinco de Mayo, can I get it?
Mother’s Day just around the corner……NO !
Summer Solstice day?
Independence day? First Manned Moon Landing day? ( July 20th)
Panama Canal Opened Day ? Yom Kippur ? Daylight Saving’s Day ended Day ? Pearl Harbor?
Scratch the last one I’m sure Vets (not the animal doctors ) wouldn’t like that one.
Makes me think of a joke.
How many Vietnam Vets does it take to screw in a light bulb?
You wouldn’t know, you weren’t there man.

That one might be funny only to me. Anyway, I’m proud to announce that she has finally cracked !!!!! Much to the delight of my brother Serge, I finally got the new PS3?
This time I understand that I have given up my right to buy underwear.

By the way, I should mention that I beat the crap out of Serge in our first online game of Madden !!!!!
I din't become a good sppeller overnight, I did this on Word then copied and pasted it here.

I need a remedy

2008-02-18T05:52:00.004-06:00

Home remedies kill me.
Last week one of the ladies working here cuts her hand, no big deal small tiny little cut, a ban-aid will take care of it.
The next day I notice her in the middle of a circle of people, one lady comes up to me and says "Why didn't you send her to the clinic?! Don't you see how swallen her hand is !!!"
I walk over to her and in fact her hand is about the size of a boxers glove.
What happened ?

It just got like this overnight

I see that, but what did you do ?

Well, I heard once that if you cut yourself you should take a screw, boil it in water and then clean the wound with the water. Once the water was boiling I put my hand in it.

I sent her to the clinic.
I should mention this ladie is about 65.
I had no idea a screw had all these magical medical uses. Next time my head hurts I'm grabbing my drill screwing one to my temple.

My Grandma once grabbed a fly by the wings and rubbed the flies butt on an irritated part of her face, just below the eye. Did it help ? Noooooo, it got much worse. I'd like to meet the asshole that told my poor Grandma to rub a flies butt on herself. I wonder if they were just messing with her.

Dude at work told me to put cow shit on my head to avoid going bald.
What ??!!

Yeah, thats what I did.

Yeah but, but.....you're bald.

I know I am, but If I hadn't done my cow shit treatments I would have gone bald in my twenties.

I rather have fly ass on my head then cow shit that's for sure.
I also saw a bunch of guys on the tellie lined up to let a donkey lick their heads.

Gradma again, sorry " Polita " but you're full of them.
My Grandfather once poured boiling water on my head ( wait I just realized he might be the one to blame for my baldness, I will address this issue with him next time I go to Mexico !!!! ) Gradma rubs a bunch of beans all over my head. When I got to the hodpital the Dr. asked for a tortilla to make a bean taco.

Do you have any good ones ?
Wait I almost forgot, I have a sister ( who I will not name BEEcuase I don't want to get in trouble) who used to put egg whites on her head before going to bed.
Unable to do spell check again !!!!

V Day

2008-02-15T06:06:00.004-06:00

On my way home cell phone goes off.
" I'm gonna get my eyebrows done"
I'm in the bathroom shaving when my wife gets home. I'm in full v-day mode.
" Nice eyebrows, they did a good job"
I get that look, the look woman give when there mad, she replies to me.
" I didn't get them done, too long of a wait" Strike one
" Why is my robe on the floor"
I reply
"Gravity" Strike two, the day is not going as planned.
We're meeting my sister in law and her fiance for dinner, we're always very punctual but today we're running 45 min. behind schedule.
She complements me saying, I like it when you are fresh shaven.
" Yeah, I'm not going to have time to shave tomorrow before the interview ( job ) so I shaved today. ( for those new to this blog, I don't shave very often )
What am I saying ? everyone is new since this is really my first....devirginazation.
The wife replies " Oh, so you didn't shave for me on V Day " strike three.
We get to the restaurant and order a dish recommended by the in-laws, we order a dish that is supposed to be enough for two people, it wasn't. I paid 35 bucks for a shish kabob. Drinks arrive, Captain Morgan with Coke, it's verrry good. As soon as we're ready to order refills my wife points out " that had coke !!"
There goes one of my Lent sacrifices, I gave up all kinds of Coke. strike four.
I try to convince her that once the coke met the rum it is no longer coke.
If you were to give up milk and have a piece of cake is that wrong ? You need milk to make a cake but you should be able to enjoy some nice cake, right ?
After dinner we get to the comedy club, before the funny people came out we had to sit thru a dildo presentation. Yeah some chick came on stage and was trying to sell everyone a bunch of dildos.
I came here to laugh, not to buy fake dick's.
First funny guy sucked all form of ass.
Second guy was kinda funny, he went on a rant about hating those shoes that all of the sudden turn into skates. I really hate those too, I was walking the mall one day heading towards the pretzel line when some 14 year old punk zooms in front of me with his special skate tennis shoes. I wanted to push him into a train.
I've become a teenage hater in my old age.

Out of time, got to go to that interview.

I'm a great speller or don't know how to do a spell check on this thing, Bee you have to give me a crash course on Sunday.

More Later

2008-02-14T11:52:00.002-06:00